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Well it has been an interesting few months now. Pain, doctors, injections new meds and even worse no horse riding. My tummy started to swell and I now look 9 months pregnant. Everyone seemed to think it was fluid and that once it was drained I would feel more comfortable. I had an ultra sound scan, then went to see Dr McHottie. No it was not fluid it was the disease so I was asked if I would go into a hospice to get the pain relief sorted and a week of respite. Thank you St Kentigerns in St Asaph for looking after me so well, and the view outside my room was ideal, horses, birds and a badger, saw them all out of that window it was great. The staff were fab as was the food (what I could manage anyway).
I did ask for a prognosis from Dr McHottie but again silence, is he afraid to tell me? If so why? Oh well when I went into the hospice I asked the doctor there a lovely lady called Dinah. She asked me if I was sure I wanted to know so of course I said yes, it turns out I have weeks rather than months. Hmmm I have a special event to look forward to that it seems I won't make....gutted. Without the horse riding I was getting a bit low. Yesterday saw me back in the saddle and all of a sudden life looks grand again and I am determined to fight towards my special event, SO THERE.
I have been to see Carl and Storm at Pennant Park and great news...work has started on the indoor school I could not be more thrilled, Carl sent flowers to Kassidy's in Holywell for their collecting and support. There is a raffle for the school being held at Temptations in Flint so we took flowers there too. Chris and Si from Kassidy's came to our house last night and brought an enormous bouquet of gorgeous flowers and two dishes of his delicious spag bol , oh yummy. I cannot get over how wonderful our friends are and believe me I feel honoured to be able to call them friends. Life has shown me just how amazing some people really are and I just want to keep going, can you blame me, a wonderful husband, daughter, son, nieces, nephews and my friends I am just the luckiest person EVER. Cancer throws some rough deals up for people and no one persons symptoms are the same, I have tried to be honest with mine and tell it like it is. It is not easy BUT I do believe by keeping your hand in with life that is going on all around and finding something fun to focus on, positivity will make it so much easier and nicer for those around you, it builds happier memories for them because do not forget they are suffering too. They have to carry on when we are no longer here and that must be a bitter pill to swallow and moping just makes it worse for them, try to think of those close to you as well as yourself.
What a horrid week last week (about two weeks after the wedding), I had to have my dear old faithful friend Oscar down. I stayed with him giving him kisses and love, it broke my heart and the house seemed so empty and hollow. He was such a loyal and faithful friend, goodbye Oscar for now my old boy and see you when my time comes.
On a brighter note the fund raising seems to be going steady now so with any luck we will get our equipment for RDA cert at some point in the near future fingers crossed. I am donating any profit from my book Hello my name is Cancer to the cause as well. Kassidys our tea room in Holywell have been exceptionally kind and have raised quite a bit, God bless them one and all.
My riding is improving a fair bit now and with this cancer being slow growing I might just make it to where I would like to be with it all, so that also is great news for me personally. I have such fun when riding all my cares float away and all that is there is the horse underneath.....bliss. Oh and my daughter and her husband are as happy as can be so that also is fab news let us pray there will be even more news on that front....a perfect life. Back to horses again and I have the chance of doing a stable management course but it is a dilema. I want to do it but my health and speed are not really up to it well at least that is what my head is telling me, I wish this opportunity had arisen years ago I would never have hesitated at all, in fact I would have snatched their hand off..
Well I still have not come off the cloud I was on on the wedding day, the best day in many years since our wedding and the birth of our daughter. Anyway at the moment the cancer is rearing its ugly head at the moment, it won't let me walk far or stand for any time, so maybe it is time to give it a slap on the wrists by taking the chemo tablets. Being the coward I am, the thought of feeling or being sick scares me, I still cry for mum when I am sick and I don't care if anyone laughs at me for it, we all have our weeknesses so blooming there, and ya boo sucks. Can't wait for the honeymoon pictures now, it seems they are being spoilt rotten and enjoying themselves no end as I sit here jealously wishing for a holiday in the heat of some exotic and romantic place. No really I am glad they are enjoying it and being spoilt, they more than deserve to. This couple, both of them work very hard and because of their generous, thoughtful, considerate, forgiving, loving and trusting natures they are so popular, that was supported by the amount and sheer numbers of work colleagues and friends who wanted to wish them both well, I am so very proud of them.
Our Saffi the Degu has now chewed through her fourth ball and escaped through the one she completed this morning, so here we go again, shut the front room door, . only this time I left the little monkey alone as I had the rats on the sofa I watched her running under tables, chairs and then saunter here there and every where as she realised I wasn't chasing her. She finally settled on top of a bottle of sand and studied me. Still no move to chase her, she must have wondered what was going on. She eventually climbed the rats cage, dropped down into one of her babies balls and waited til I lifted her up to the cage. In future that is the way to go, let her capture herself and she can have the freedom of the frontroom and kitchen. I think the babies can stay in the balls for now until they start copying mum. Just goes to show that they are far more intelligent than we give them credit, all the times I have panicked when she was loose and all I needed to do was trust her to get back when she wanted to. The other day I passed them some kitchen roll to tear up, the results were hilarious, one baby wanted it to go up top in the cage and Saffi wanted it down in the house on ground level, I have not laughed so much in a very long time, the kitchen roll was getting snagged causing a near riot between all three degus, what entertainment. All my pets and their natures and characters bring light, laughter and such fun I could not be without them, I adore them all, even Amy the rat is calming down a bit and not biting much now in fact she looks forward to free time as much as the others do and now she only tests the skin not bite, she really is becoming a sweetie....give her time...she stuck her nose right down my ear the other day, I thought it sweet.. .
Oh what a superb day yesterday, it could not have been more perfect, the sun shone and the happy excitement was building for the most glorious of days ever. After having hair dos done and make up on, it was time for my daughter the bride to be dressed. WOW she looked so stunning, my baby girl getting married AND I MADE IT! The whole day was one of fairy tales indeed and we have a son anyone would be proud of, everyone knows how proud of my daughter I am, honestly her husband is just the kind of person anyone would want for thier very loved princess of a daughter. To say I am happy is a vast under statement, how could I be so very lucky for so long? My husband has been the best, my daughter the best, my son the best, my parents the best, sisters, brother nieces, nephew all my family in fact. I could not believe the church being full to bursting, the wedding breakfast and the night do, so many people, my two children must be exceedingly popular. I really was so proud of Yvonne and Ugo and my darling husband. The saying ' My cup runneth over' has never been more true in my case, it is unbelievable. I wish everyone could experience this amount of luck and love, it is mind blowing.
Well my book is now up for sale and the profits go to getting equipment for the diabled riding at Pennant Park Riding Centre. I honestly didn't think this would happen either but it has. The book is to give those with cancer or any problem really a perspective from a terminal persons point of view and hopefully help someone somewhere to see that the picture is not all black. Or at least give someone the hope of finding the joy in living while ever we are alive at least. I do understand the pain and suffering others maybe going through is an individual thing and no one but they truly know how things are for them, like all problems they are unique to the individual and I cannot claim to know what they are going through it is impossible for anyone to do that, I just would like anyone suffering to know they are not alone in the suffering. I saw my daughter married yesterday but will be around for any grandchildren? I would hate to miss out on such a glorious event like that, so that in its self is a suffering to me because I want to be there every step of the way for my daughter and her husband. Having lost my parents I still suffer over their passing because I loved them so much. Suffering takes all sorts of forms not one is better or worse than another....IT IS JUST DIFFERENT....and not less suffering for being different. I wish all that are suffering happiness and love to relieve their problems.
I have had the stent put in and I no longer look like Marge Simpson....hooray and in time for next Saturday when our daughter gets married too! Gosh I have been so lucky that so many good things have happened, the diagnosis was not the best news I could have heard but just look at the care, my family, the wedding and I have been blessed. Thiking about things I realised I was born in 56 and I am 56yo I was born under the sign of cancer and I've got cancer how very odd. I am happy though I have made it over a year, had excellent care, my daughtersmarriage is to a great man and my husband is pretty darned good too and then my sisters, nieces and nephew, horses and riding that I am still able to do, so all in all I am lucky and happy.
Great news I am due to have my operation to have the stent put in on Tuesday, what a relief, I will not be yellow or orange for my daughters wedding in less than two weeks. I may not be able to go riding this week on Friday though...groan, I will miss it very much but at last I might feel so much better in myself. I stroked a snake a young boa, wow it was so gorgeous and felt just like silk, and I really was tempted to take it home, I just don't think the girls would be very happy. Another week and I can take the male Degu babies out safely and take them to the shop, Saffi might get some peace. I had a great two hour hack on Friday, lots of cantering on a new horse called Monty, he was lovely to ride, he liked his mouth being left alone which suited me, I could just feel him through the reins without interfering with it so we got on quite well, he had nice paces but the saddle was a bit too frim for me, I had a sore bottom next day. It is fun riding different horses when I am not on a dressage lesson.
Here's hoping after the operation the tummy aches and diving to the toilet will stop and I can feel reasonably normal again. The wedding day promises to be a very long day so I need all the wellness I can muster for that, I am NOT going to squelch my beautiful daughter and lovely Ugos' wedding come what may. I love the two of them so very much and I am very proud of the kind of people they are. I am very, very lucky.
My book is almost ready to publish all that remains is to ensure the price does not go silly just because it has photos in. I want it to be a reasonable price so I can donate to the Pennant Park Wishes fund.
Well I am so happy to report that some very good friends have supported the funding for Pennant Park wishes which is so kind of them, we will have an Riding for the Disabled closer to home and hopefully one that does not require going on a waiting list and is off every school holiday. If you do not ride for six weeks how is anyone going to train for the paralympics? If a school is serious about training the disabled a constant programme is needed which is why Pennant Park is so very important. The instructors are so good at training people and horses and really care as well as being passionate about what they do. The horses are all happy and healthy and the customers are delighted to find this school and become regulars.
Health has been a little squiffy, i have been jaundiced for a couple of weeks now, have had an ultra sound scan to see if I am SUITABLE for a stent, great stuff, meanwhile I get stomach aches, diahorea, and feel tired a lot, I just wish they would ruddy well get on with it, being poorly annoys me there is too much to stuff into my life for goodness sake, my dressage, my daughters wedding...imagine going to her wedding coloured ORANGE ...really! 'snot good enough. The baby Degus are hilarious and am enjoying them no end. They are used to crawling all over my hand when I put it in very gently and leave it there. They are three weeks old today, I will be very sad to see the males go but they have to so that is that, still at least Saffi can keep her daughters for company which should help her and them.
Whoopee good news, the fund raising for Riding for the Disabled fund for Pennant Park has kicked off at last, I am thrilled to bits this area needs it and it might just happen before anything happens to me. I saw the oncologist on Thursday and they are going to put a stent in to drain my liver. I wish I knew what is going on in my body. Has the cancer spread? How long have I got before my health takes a real nose dive? If I had some idea I could real get a crack on with the riding while I am still able. Will they start to persuade me to take chemo tablets? I think I would rather know these things so I can plan around it all, never mind at least thanks to my husband we have the fund raising off the ground, not by a big amount but it is gratefully received and twenty thousand pounds target is not an unobtainable amount I'm sure we will make it.
Well no wonder I cannot stay away from the loo, and no wonder I look terrible. yesterday I thought it may have been the light, today I knew for sure............I look yellow, popped to the doctor and I have yellow jaundice. I did not know this but it is part of having pancreatic cancer, and a stent may be put in to drain the bile duct, great another procedure, still it is only through a tube this time if they can do it. So far it is diarrhoea has been the worst part and tummy ache that comes with it of course. Anyway I will find out on Thursday as I go to see my oncologist, so we will see what he has to say. I may just feel tons better if they do the procedure, heres hoping anyway. Our baby Degus are getting cuter by the minute, climbing the cage bars, falling into mums food dishes, getting flung from her wheel when she wants to have a gallop, such fun watching these tiny creatures, boy can they make a real noise, clamouring for mum, I have never seen such sweet little things before, absolutely gorgeous, it is going to be so hard to part with them.
Well what a morning this morning, unbelievable. Got up, took two rats out to play and I kept hearing strange sounds but could not work out from where, took the next two rats out, very strange noises, so looked in Saffi s cage let her out into her ball and spied the nest she had made moving, my god she has had babies! One baby came out of the nest and was a tiny replica of mum, gorgeous. We adopted her just over a month ago and it seems they have a 90 day gestation period so no one knew or suspected anything, when she started to look like a football a few days ago I thought I was a bad owner letting her get fat. What a delightful surprise and she is proving to be a very good mum. It is also a relief to see her happy, fit and chirpy and back to a normal size again. Degus are clever and such gentle and sweet characters, so loveable. Saffi is of course the best ever love her to bits from a very thrilled grandma.
Now I am feeling fed up and annoyed, my tummy ahes nearly all the time and I have NO patience being ill or feeling off colour. There is life out there, there are horses out there, dressage to be learned and practice, why can't I be fit enough or afford a good dressage horse? Is it silly to dream of the next para-olympics? Am I over reaching? Day dreaming? I just wish I had stayed with horses from my younger days. I rode a good horse last saturday that responded to the aides and to FEEL where it goes right is incredible, now that is the kind of horse I would give my eye teeth for, one whose basic traing has been started correctly. As lovely and giving as riding school horses are, it is very unusual to come across ones with good dressage basics.
It is sad at the moment as the RDA is not back until September, still I had a two hour hack at Pennant Park. Due to feeling too poorly for my last lesson and no RDA my dressage training seems to have come to a halt, right must get a lesson booked a.s.a.p. As I watched Zara Philips on her dressage phase of the three day eventing I would have given my right arm to have a horse like that to ride. Yes I did spot a couple of flaws during transitions, still the performance was still pleasing to watch and having ridden horses and ponies of riding schools that can make dressage something of a challenge some much more than others, how nice would it be to ride a dressage trained horse, unspoilt by novice riders? Wow do I ever spend a lot of my time daydreaming or what? Never mind I am sure I read somewhere that daydreamers are healthier and happier, can't vouch for the former but certainly can the latter.
I can eat without feeling sick....YIPEE and guess what? I am back on the chocolate, I ate my dinner, my sweet and then managed two fingers of fudge as well, I have been eating a pack of six fingers of fudge straight after my meals for days now, what a little piggy. That 10lb I carelessly lost ......... I may just find it again now. My book may be published within a few weeks now, even if it is not the best ever written at least the photos of the animals should be great. The rats stole a whole Wagon Wheel from my husband before he fully unwrapped it, by gum they are so fast and strong when they want something, little tinkers. The Degu has learned that if she gets up enough speed to smash her exercise ball against doors or walls she can crack it open to escape so I spend a lot of the time crawling on my hands and knees calling Saffi with one of her treats in my hands. She is so cheeky though, she just saunters in front of me to go under the table, she knows she can beat me in a speed contest, crafty little monkey. Honestly rats and Degus are fabulous pets, one rat sees us as just bigger rats that need her constant washing, so licks us non stop. Saffi must feel we are just big Degus because she just grooms us at every opportunity. These creatures give us so much fun, laughter and affection I don't see how anyone could dislike or be scared of them, like all animals they respond to being handled and cared for with love, respect and being well cared for.
I know it has been a while again, to be honest not much has happened, here are the up dates so far and one very tragic piece of news. I have been prescribed something called Megace which has taken the sick feeling away when faced with food, so that is very good. For the first time in a year I am able to eat a meal, a sweet and then chocolate if I am in the mood, great stuff, thank you Dr. Garcia. Last weighed myself at 7st 7lb but am hoping to put some on now I am eating a bit better.
The very sad and tragic news is that someone we regard as part of our family has lost thier daughter-in-law, she was such a lovely girl only 38 with a husband and two young children. It came as an awful shock as she had come through a marrow transplant and seemed to be getting better. It was not the cancer that took her, it seems she had a heart attack. I cannot tell you what a bombshell this news has been. So young, so lovely, kind and a good mother and wife, how big a gap she will have left for all those who loved and knew her, my heart bleeds for them. Her husband and children oh God it just seems so unfair and cruel to a lovely young family. I hope my prayers will be heard.
Well after a healing session yesterday I feel much happier, to be honest I never like going to see the oncologist, don't get me wrong they are very nice people and kind, it just depresses me. It brings it home, the fact I have cancer and no idea how long I have. All I want to do is keep on doing what I enjoy doing, trouble with that is I need to see the oncologists for updates and to let them know how I am. This last visit was handy because I have no feelings of hunger and food makes me feel sick, I was given some more tablets to make me hungry I suppose it will take a while to work so I have to be patient. I went riding yesterday boy it was hard work with that little horse, she loved drifting into the middle of the arena for some reason. Still made me work on my aides, and it is always good to try different horses with very different personalities, but I came back feeling shattered. I really enjoyed it and I now know what to work on, getting my leg yields right and how to pass the whip from one hand to the other correctly (I hate those flipping things, and only really carry them for show), I prefer to get my aides right and get the horse to go willingly but I do not have the strength sometimes, I mean really 7st 9lb versus half a ton, no contest. So if just by carrying a whip makes a difference I am in no position to argue really. Some horses go nicely and some have ideas of what they want to do they are just like us in being thier own horse.
Boy did I get a nasty shock on Thursday when I saw the oncolgist, he asked if I had been weighed, so I was taken off to the scales, oh lord I wish I hadn't I know I'm down a bit but I now know I weigh 7 st 9lbs. I have not been that small since my teens and ealy teens at that. So everyone jumps in with eat this and that between meals eat this and that often, I wish they could feel how I feel when faced with food they may just hesitate a bit before wading in with the advice. Still I supose I had better try I need to be around for my daughter and future son in laws wedding. She is marrying a great young man and he is like a son to us, which is fantastic. There is of course the energy for riding too, if I want to keep it going I had at least better try my best. Ho hum it is hard been trying it for two days now and I can honestly say it is not easy at all, however I'm going to keep trying....wish me luck!
Well I am over the blues now so glad I hate these sessions when there is no earthly reason for it, it just happens out of the blue. Bernie one of my rats just loves to lick me and it tickles and makes me laugh, Saffie the little degu licks and nibbles which is grooming and is a sign of bonding. Well I put Saffi in her exercise ball this morning and off she went at 100 mph and clattered around the hall. For some reason everything wen quiet and it took a few minutes to realise why, then my husband spotted her and pointed, so I had to go on hands and knees calling her name. Like any puppy over she came so I could encircle her with my arms and slowly but surely scoop her up. I can say with all honesty that degus are so sweet, gentle and ideal pets, just like my rats but even more gentle. I wish I had discovered this a long time ago, I did have a hamster once but no rats or degus. Still we have them now and they are fantastic fun, I love them to bits.
Woke up this morning very down in the dumps, it took very little for me to burst into tears, I do not understand it, I should be very happy what is the matter with me? Bernie one of my lovely rats, sat on her haunches licking my tears and my lips as if to say I'm loved. Ok so I may be fantasising here but she did sit licking me bless her, no matter the reason why (salt water may be) it was still very sweet of her and my lips (salt there?), I just know my pets are very sweet natured and I love them. I must admit I never knew rats licked like puppies until now. My 200 mph Degu Saffi has been very sweet but once in the ball very funny a bounce on her back legs sends her shooting off like a bullet almost tipping her heels over head.. I would love to have my own horse again I miss it very badly and a ride today would have been perfect medicine to cure the weepies. Well to cheer myself up I am going to see if I can find a show jacket on tinter web that might just do the job or look for a huge cage for Saffi so I can beg for another Degu to keep Saffi happy. Cheerio for now, I will come back in a happier frame of mind I am sure.
Hahahahheeee oh I didn't tell you this story did I? There is a lady who goes into a coffe shop that we go to quite often, usually she is accompanied by another lady and they have a baby in a pram. Well it is very rare to see a baby all dressed in hand knitted wear not only the clothes but blankets and things, while it is lovely to see such crafts have not died out I could not help but wonder if the baby had not knitted the baby as well. So every time I see the lady I involuntary say 'oh its knitted baby lady'. I promise I do not mean it in any nasty way, its just the rareity of seeing such an amount of hand knitting in one pram.
The Degu Saffi has taken to the rats old excercise ball (that they would not entertain) like a duck to water, it is hilarious to watch and listen to, she squeeks before setting off. Once she gets the ball going she is the equivalent of The Stig 200 miles an hour and God help you if you are walking in the hall way, you are likely to get mown down. Her cornering needs brushing up though judging by the bangs, crashes and whallops. By jiminy she does poop a lot, how does something so small produce so much in a ten minute session? I thoroughly cleaned her cage, by the end of the day you would never have believed I had, I've known cleaner horses, dogs, cats and rats. She is very adorable though and fits in very well bless her.
Well what a turn up, who would have thought it? The dressage I mentioned yesterday? Well I got a first in my class and have the red rosette and my test sheet as well, which is great because I know what to work on. This is possibly the biggest surprise of my life so now I am addicted to dressage this must not be my first and last I must do one again at some stage. I did have a good pony and one I am used to so I guess I was lucky really,for a firt time ever in a competition, thanks to the pony and my instructors at The Special Riding Centre near Wrexham, I got my first. I did start off nervous but once George got moving I soon settled down now for those who are putting off your dreams please do not try to keep doing that you never know how good things can turn out and you may just surprise yourself, give them a go. I know I need a lot of work to go into big serious stuff but I am going to try to do it for the sake of my dreams.
Life can be quite good, and good things can happen more than bad things, take heart tomorrow may be the best yet. I know I have had a longish time now where I have felt quite well, which is amazing in its self. I have been having so much fun it is hard to believe there is anything wrong with me at all. My diet isn't fantastic but it is not too bad at least I can face food again. I have gone down to a size ten now but heyho no matter. I am going to keep going with horses and one day ride western style. I just want my book to do well so that it can help adults with terminal illness acheive a dream come true, we shall just have to see, even if it helped someone to cope with any illness it will not have been a waste. One person is no less important than anyone else..
Ok so I have been missing for a while but hey ho here I am again. Two weeks ago I was told I was entered into a fun dressage test, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, HOW? Oh no I'll NEVER be able to do it, one weeks practice? You are joking right? No you'll be fine, oh haha thinks I, so off I go hunting high and low for a white shirt, guess what? I only fit into a fifteen year old shirt! Crazy huh. Well I have learned the test now what horse will I ride? The horse they gave me last week was a nightmare it had one no two paces dead slow or stop, for some reason it did not like the right hand side of the arena either, no way I will not ride him in a test however fun it is, it can't be fun when you get no responses to your aids at all .Aside from this no problem. Anyway at Carls I am working hard at my canter and having great fun. Oh someone thanked me for expressing my view on personal problems because it made them feel better, I really was a bit blown away by that, it is only how I see it and as I said to someone once I can only be me, I am so glad they feel better but it is more likely they recognised their own worth in the world. I may have said this a thousand times but I don't care, 'if you do no harm to others you are worth your place in life and should be proud of it' Love is like skimming stones spread the ripples as far and wide as possible, doesn't it make life more pleasant and worthwhile?
I love this life, A young lady who we have contact with in America, we actually met in Chester last weekend and from e-mails you are always a little bit reserved just in case, but no such need she was a purely delightful person and I am so glad to have met her. She was as we thought she was an absolute sweetheart. It got me to thinking of others We have contact with all over the world, Ilil who is helping me to turn this into a book, James who I have trusted in from the start, Victoria, Pauline, Larry and many others who have been so very kind to me, I would dearly love to meet. I know many people in our own area who have and still are absolute loves, there is Lis a very dear and kind friend who ran me to hospital a lot, Katie, Julie and Julia, Chris and Si, Sheryl, Carl and Storm and little Eden. It is hard to say just how many lovely, nice, kind and generous people we have and have not met that the list would fill a chapter on its own. I have an overwhelming wish to meet those we only have contact via the computer with.
I did a very naughty thing as well, I am going to get into so much trouble for this but, this was an irrisistable situation. I went into Pets At Home and in the very far cage was a Degu all by itself and it was up for adoption, oh she was gorgeous. So knowing there was a neglected cage at home just begging to be used again, I called a member of staff over. The story went that she came in with a lot of males so she had to be seperated, poor little mite. So after some advice from the staff, I got the appropriate stuff for her while the staff were trying to box her for me. Well what fun we have had with this amusing, intelligent little girl Saffi. She comes to call just like a puppy, when she is in the roller ball she is so fast she almost tips over her own head, she has NEVER bitten in fact she licks our fingers, she snuggles like the rats do in my over large dressing gown. I am so glad I adopted her she is so entertaining and loveable, I adore her. One thing I do not understand is I was told they are demanding, I just do not for the life of me see it, she is great fun. Still that has to be the last one in the menagerie.........um.......well unless I lose one because my poor litle rats are not as long lived....oh God I cannot bear the thought of that I love my girls too much to think like that, pressing on, the menagerie is big enough now.
Feeling very well and happy today and I have been eating rather well too. The fact that I managed such a long hack (to me it was anyway 2 hrs), I did sleep from 7-7 but still I am glad I had the energy and made it. I hope this keeps up for our daughters wedding and be able to last into the evening. Usually I go to bed at 7 in the evening but I hope to last a few more hours than thatI did a very naughty thing as well, I am going to get into so much trouble for this but, this was an irrisistable situation. I went into Pets At Home and in the very far cage was a Degu all by itself and it was up for adoption, oh she was gorgeous. So knowing there was a neglected cage at home just begging to be used again, I called a member of staff over. The story went that she came in with a lot of males so she had to be seperated, poor little mite. So after some advice from the staff, I got the appropriate stuff for her while the staff were trying to box her for me. Well what fun we have had with this amusing, intelligent little girl Saffi. She comes to call just like a puppy, when she is in the roller ball she is so fast she almost tips over her own head, she has NEVER bitten in fact she licks our fingers, she snuggles like the rats do in my over large dressing gown. I am so glad I adopted her she is so entertaining and loveable, I adore her. One thing I do not understand is I was told they are demanding, I just do not for the life of me see it, she is great fun. Still that has to be the last one in the menagerie.........um.......well unless I lose one because my poor litle rats are not as long lived....oh God I cannot bear the thought of that I love my girls too much to think like that, pressing on, the menagerie is big enough now.
I went to Pennant Park Riding Centre yesterday and had a two hour hack, lots of walking, trotting and cantering, I loved every moment of it, my cantering has come on so well I feel up to galloping now. It really blew the cobwebs away and made me feel like a real rider, capable and competnt. I yearn to ride every day. I am glad I took up the riding again, what I would have been missing out on it would have been almost criminal not to have taken it up again. It is keeping me going and fighting every inch of the way, I am so happy to be around horses. One thing I have learned and it is very important near horses and that is the ability to remain totally calm whatever the situation. I am not bragging or boasting but it is a vital part of keeping the horse calm and I am so glad I posess this calmness. Maybe I realise that if the news of my diagnosis I kept calm there can be nothing else this life can do to me to take it from me. I obseved a young lady who must have been rather scared as the ponys head was almost pulled into its chest while at the same time she was kicking, must have bewildered the poor pony, she was instructed to leave the ponys mouth alone thank goodness. The more agitated a person is the more a horse will play up, but the poor animal is only fretting because of the riders fears, in other words they reflect your own mood.
I wish I had a horse of my own with a reliable livery I would ride five days a week, that I have come so far with my riding is testament to Pennant Park Riding Centre and Carls expert tuition. Every now and then life throws up a hero, well Carl is mine, I trust him and his instructions are clear and easy to follow, he inspires confidence. his horses are obedient and willing. It is such a pity I cannot ride there 5 days a week, oh well I enoy myself there every single time and every single moment and I realise just how lucky I am, I have a lot to be grateful for, I am sure there will be more two hour hacks up and coming to look forward to, so bring them on I am more than ready and willing. Who knows I may get brave enough to do some jumping? I would like before I die a riding holiday even for just a week, a week full of riding how fabulous would that be? I heard there is a shire horse riding place WOW my favourite heavy horse and the ability to ride them would be a privilge indeed.
I heard a little story that made me both sad and very cross. Someone out there had proclaimed they had the right to wear something by choice, no problem there, another person quite politely responded with their view, again no problem, the response to a polite view was met with very rude comments, how could such a rude persons views be respected with an attitude like that, I ask you? As with any subject on earth as a supposedly intelligent species, if you cannot have a well constructed and thought out debate or discussion, to me they are totally unevolved from the caveman era and are not part of a civilised species at all. Polite responses do not deserve the rudeness of these un evolved species. It is not cleve, it is not big and only highlights what is lacking in the rude species. I also put those who are sexist, racist, ageist, ability ist or disabilityist, religeousist in this because people are free to be who they are without fear and prejudice and we should learn to bring out the best in each other, so long as people do not bring harm to others we are intelligent enough to allow freedom of spirit and discuss issues that arise and in a polite and friendly manner. Maybe that is why I reach out to animals so much, I find them far more accepting, polite and easier to get on with, they have no predjudices. There are of course many lovely people out there and I applaud them for being as lovely as they are, I just find ignorant and rude ones intolerable to deal with.
I remember standing by a deep tank in Florida in which were some kind of eels, like a plank I got close to the tank and stood there talking to them, do you know that they actually came out of the cave to come close to the glass? My daughter called it eel charming (instead of going bright red and running off). It is that kind of thing that can bring me joy, I did with a Degu in a cage yesterday, again the Degu came over, I love that they choose to come over and see me. My little rats that I love let me know that they want to come out of their cage and interact with me, otherwise they would not come out at all. It is so funny to watch them take tissues out pockets and run off with them, or climb inside my dressing gown going up and down my sleeves or climb up my neck to snuffle in my ear.
Last visit to see the Oncologist kind of depressed everyone, we realise that maybe it was my fault for starting the visit by mentioning my 'blips' or not good days where I cannot face food or not sleeping or in pain, but, they don't last too long and are only what I call blips. Anyway it has not been the best of weeks health wise, lack of hunger, tired and hurting. I am much better now though and another blip over with.. What set the depression off was the mention of thinking about chemotherapy tablets. They could make me sick, lose my hair, leave me open to every infection going again, and just lower my quality of life, I am not ready to go down that path yet, only when I really cannot get rid of the blips will I think about it. It did bring home AGAIN my mortality.
So in my little head I have been seriously thinking about riding horses from one end of the country to the other to raise funds for Pancreatic Cancer Research. I have spoken to a couple of people and I have also e-mailed someone who may be able to help, fantastic. Am I being fair to my family though? How long will it take me away from them when they need my time and memory building for their comfort when I go? I keep thinking about my husband and daughter and that there are other people in similar circumstances. Research and funding for it may well help find a way to slow or cure this disease and if it helped one person and their family, it has to be important enough. Every life is valuable and precious and I cannot help every person on the planet, we all have problems no one persons problems are not less or worse they are just different and I do wish I could help every one on the planet. Someone somewhere will have a loving family who face the same as my husband and daughter and that is very hard and I can try to help at least by fund raising. Like I say am I being totally selfish to desperately want to do this? I was told I was the healthiest pancreatic patient an oncologist had seen, so that must mean I am the luckiest and that others must be feeling absolutely horrible and my heart goes out to them. What would be nice is if someone joined me to raise funds for other illnesses.
I feel kind of unusual today, very weird, it is like I am here on this earth going about my business as usual but not really here, ethreal, calm, quiet, warm, comforted, loved but strangely as if I am partly somewhere else. I would like to do, before anything does happen to me, and that is spread love, happiness and care for others all over the world because life is the most precious gift to us. So if anyone reading my ramblings would like to help in this paticular case please go ahead smile every morning you are alive and however bad you may feel it will get better life is not all down hill we do have happy sunny moments. If you smile, do a good deed or lots of them you will feel even better and it will spread and who knows we do have the ability to live side by side and happily too, without the destructive forces of hate and violence, meanness, jealousy and possesiveness. It takes real strength to live as a gentle person and spreading good things as widely as possible but we can do it.
How funny that a week later the feeling sickly and tired disappears and becomes a "blip" and I feel great, wierd or what? The sun is shining and it is quite warm, I am eating ok and feel as if nothing is wrong with me. Well better not let the "blips" spoil the good times I reckon because I feel so much luckier than other people who visit my oncologists and seem to make the doctors low, sad very sad, I want to cheer them up, make them sit up, keep surprising them with the facts that I still go horse riding, still go out every day, still facing life and giving it what for. One of my neighbours saw me at a time when I was so very poorly seems to think I have been made better, I wish I had been but it just goes to show I must look pretty healthy, great stuff eh? Just the ticket, I hope it lasts for a very long time and I will fight to the last. Poor Robin Gibb and a man of great inspiration to fight not only against cancer but for what is right too. R.I.P Robin Gibb and a big thank you from me and I am sure many others too. It is a great life to be enjoyed to its fullest so long as we do not harm others in the process, make a space for something to enjoy and it makes it all worthwhile. I remember the days of working, husband working, keeping the home clean and tidy or trying too, visiting elderly poorly parents, shopping and cooking, washing and ironing, there never seemed to be time to draw breath never mind going riding. Nightmare absolutely terrible way to live, but then I did not see then what I see now, cancer has made me see just how much I lost out on making life as good as it could be, that is why I advocate hobby time and having some pleasure in life before it becomes too late, nobody should be a slave to working all the time, that is a recipe.for ulcers, stress and depression, trust me, been there , never again. I am looking forward to my riding on wednesday and thursday, as I did rather well despite feeling grotty last time. I did not flop forward on the transition from canter to trot, YIPEE. Now all I need to do is to keep in balance and relax a little more. It is such FUN this riding and Pennant Park has taught me so much so well in a pretty short space of time, I am proud to be a customer of Carls', what a teacher he is and a very nice person, lucky lucky lucky that is me.
Well yesterday I felt awful, sickly all the time, tired and just generally ready for the knacker's yard, a very bad day and as hard as I tried to smile my way through it by the end I just did not have the strength to do it. I had met up with my eldest sister Muriel and our older brother Terry. I could not put it off as I have not seen my brother for so long and it was so good to see him. I had to go to bed before seven at night but by then I could not have cared less, I slept all night and only woke to my beloved husband bringing my cup of tea in, oh he is such a love and support.
Today I felt a little better and managed to eat something for a change, Alpen and two bananas. That is getting on my nerves, not feeling hungry at all EVER, result no energy it really is frustrating beyond anything I've ever experienced. Riding last week saw me doing the transitions from canter to trot and slumping like a sack of coal it was very embarrassing to say the least. This week saw me doing the best riding I've done in years, the day after feeling so grotty, can you believe this? What a ridiculous disease I have, I just do not understand it one jot. For anyone with pancreatic cancer, expect the unexpected. Try to keep eating, try to keep going, try to smile when you feel like death warmed up, just try to keep your favourite hobbies on the go and set goals to in them something to strive for, God knows we deserve to for ourselves as well as our loved ones. Horses and being able to ride is something that got into my blood from a young age and I really believe it is keeping me going and even if I am tired the horse can walk and still make me feel better, they seem to have something therapeutic about them, please try to live whatever life you have HAPPILY, it makes a difference honestly it does.
I have my head full of wedding dresses and dreaming about how beautiful my daughter will look, in one word STUNNING! I am so excited about this wedding I really am not on this planet at all. We did our musical ride yesterday for the RDA and I messed up on the first practise run before I finally got my head together and nailed it only for some one else to slip up oh well we all nailed it in the end, I must say there is a lady there who uses a wheelchair who makes it all such fun. She has a very sunny, smiley nature and we are always laughing and having great fun, I like this lady a great deal. No matter what my issues are I find life throwing great happiness at me all the time, a fabulous life that I intend to keep living. Now I have found riding places with lovely people and kind, generous horses. Horses are so magnificent, beautiful and forgiving it is no less than an honour to spend any time in their company.
My two rats are doing well and provide endless entertainment, they are so comical. One is a sneaky thief where food is concerned and I watch her run off with her food, hide it and come back and steal the other ones food and hide that. The one who is stolen from has sussed where the theif has her stash hidden and promptly runs off to find it. Penny is the sneaky thief and Amy is the bossy one who can't be fooled any more. Penny is the most sociable out of the two and now comes out of the cage vountarily, Amy is coming on very slowly but making progress non the less. My cat surprisingly for a hunter has taken to being scared of them, ever since fearless Penny tried to climb up his leg, that was hilarious, a little rat with no fear a big pussy cat terrified and me worrying the pussy cat would eat Penny. Oscar the cat is a funny little old soul these days and has become very clingy to me, bless his little heart. I love my pets so very much, they cheer me up no end with their antics and characters. I don't think I could have a life that did not contain animals of some description. The ask nothing other than a clean bed, fresh water, good food and to be loved, hardly the earth is it? What I get in return is beyond measure. Being kind to animals is not hard and though I do not humanise them they certainly are individuals in their own right.
We went to see the oncologist on thursday, to me it was a bit of a blow to discover the cancer had grown to the size it was when I was first diagnosed. Today (friday) I feel really down in the dumps and I felt so sick when I got home from shopping I am having a hard time trying to keep my chin up. The other thing is every so often I realise my daughter is getting married and I break out with an enormous grin, so crying one minute and laughing the next, people must think I am bonkers, they are not far off the mark to be honest. My joy at my daughters impending wedding is awesome, I really hope that my God will allow me to stay around for grandchildren, these two would make excellent parents and my grandchildren would be the honey on my toast, sugar in my coffee, cream on my strawberries, ok I'm not keen on cream but you get the gist of it, I WOULD BE OVER MOON and they would be the TOPS of all TOPPING. I know I am greedy, I have a great husband, daughter, nieces, nephew sisters but would like to cuddle Yvonne and Ugos children.
Even I can get down with this disease, not knowing how long I can keep this well and fit, how long I will suffer degeneration before dieing. Will I last long enough? is a question I keep asking God and my parents (deceased). It scares me a little too, I just think seeing the oncologist is depressing, its in the lymph nodes or it has grown just upsets me now and I don't think I want to know anymore, then again if nobody told me anything I would be very angry. I keep trying to be the best I can and usually the downs do not last long at all, this time it feels harder to do, may be because I realise just how much I stand to lose out on. For any one else suffering these feelings with a terminal disease you are most definately not on your own. I guess I am lucky having such a great family and to be still riding horses which I would hate to lose out on too. May be after next weeks riding I will feel more optomistic. I have to pull out of this because I do not want my daughter to get wind of this at all. We are going shopping for her wedding dress a week tomorrow and I am taking a camera with me to make the joy of the day last forever. Her best friend Siobhan is coming with us and she is a lovely, lovely girl with a nice husband and an adorable baby. I have the deposit ready in my hot little hands and am prepared to wear the streets of Chester down. Actually writing this has started to help my mood a little so thank you to those brave enough to read it. God bless you.
Well, well, well go away for a weekend and our beautiful daughters' boyfriend proposes to her, both daughter and mother (me) are in tears, the two males are stumped into silence trying to work out if they were tears of joy or not. They need not have worried daughter has accepted making me cry even more with the sheer joy of it all. They are two lovely people who deserve to be together and may they be blest with all the happiness in the world. I cannot wait to go dress shopping for my baby and her big day. I hope I don't end up a Mumzilla, I'm just so excited. Ugo is such a sweetheart and I can rest assured Yvonne will always be loved and cared for and that is my biggest concern, I just need someone to watch over my husband and all will be in place to allow me to go with the flow of what my life holds.
If my illness gets the better of me now I have less to stress about, of course I will fight as much as possible, I hope to be a proper Grandma to how ever many grandchildren are planned. I want to be the crazy one still doing things outside the 'norm' when I am a Grandma. I will admit I do not feel quite as well as I used to and it is very difficult to explain how and how am I going to say anything to the oncologist when they are in the room with me, without distressing them. I suppose I'd better buck up, suck it up and let the thrill of the wedding overwhelm everything. IT IS FABULOUS NEWS ISN'T IT?
I would like those who are diagnosed with cancer to please take heart, if you are not in crippling pain due to surgery or drugs, please find a passion for doing something and throw yourself into it. By that I mean a hobby that you love and you are able to cope with. i realise I am lucky I have the strength to ride horses but I swear if I didn't I would be less well than I am right now. My passion keeps me wanting to do more and is a lifeline for me to fight all the way for my loved ones. I have no chance of an operation or any cure really it is just a question of time now, but everyday I wake up I am alive and have the chance of riding or a riding lesson and do not want to leave until I acheive my goal of competing one day, please fight all you can you are not alone and any life we have has to have some fun in it, we more than most should enjoy any time we have to the full so long as it does not hurt others. The sense of acheiving a goal should lead to another and another and give a sense of fulfilment and pride in our abilities, so I say go for it, you may surprise yourself and others around you as well as inspire someone else. Cancer is not the end of living your life to the fullest within your abilities, we are in a sense freer than most to enjoy life, we need not restrict ourselves to being the disease but being our true selves.
How's this for confidence then? I really want to go for my prelim in dressage now and am concentrating hard on my position. I have been cantering lately and I feel improvements every time I ride. Total bliss when I am riding now it is such an energy, confidence giving experience I wish I could ride more often. As for the cancer, well I have to say my morphine has increased to 100mg twice a day and my appetite is non existent. I never feel hungry, just bloated and tight around my tummy. I force myself to eat though because my family would be devestated if I only relied on hunger. It is hard to force it though and it is very hard to face food most of the time, I do wish they could understand just how difficult it is. I know I have lost weight but it comes with the territory doesn't it? To me cancer is just a word I keep hearing in my head on the odd ocassion but if I miss or forget my morphine tablets boy do I every feel lousy and even though I had an operation to stop the pain I now feel in pain without my tablets. I had a CT scan not long ago so I am awaiting the results so we shall see what is going on and what stage I am at. I always have the get up and go for horses though.
I love Pennant Park Riding Centre, the horses and ponies are well cared for and behave really well, the instructor is so encouraging the only problem is i cant be there on a daily basis, so professional but friendly. The stunning scenery while out hacking is mesmerising, I feel so safe because the horses only do what is asked of them. The young couple whose place it is are caring people and are so refreshing to talk to, like minded love of all animals, right on the button for me. My lessons are great and I feel I am making progress. We had a ladies day last week half an hour lesson and a two hour hack fantastic, we came back to lovely sandwiches, scones, strawberries and cream lots of little goodies what a lovely day indeed. Thank heaven for this lovely yard and the owners everything I dreamed of having myself but am glad that they have it and I feel so happy there.
I will admit that I am having some odd feelings now and then, light headedness, feeling full all the time, whether these are linked to the cancer or not I don't know, I just hope they wear off its unnerving to say the least. I hope I don't get them tomorrow as I have baked cakes (rather a lot) and have got a lot of soft drinks to sell for sport relief, fingers crossed for selling it all.
I have had such an amazing time with my riding lessons or should I say dressage lessons. At both places the people are very friendly and professional. I am learning lots of things new to me and it is great if I get anything wrong I am told in a nice way not patronised and encouraged by having it explained in a way that makes me feel I CAN do it. The young man at one place hits the perfect note for a teacher. At the other I am improving at a rate of knots. Gosh I have missed riding and learning. We went to see my oncologist the other day, I now know why I cannot have an operation, the cancer is also in the lymph nodes near the pancreas as well as the pancreas itself. One great thing I was told is that I am the fittest pancreatic patient she has EVER seen, so how cool is that? The Bonner - Wilson genes must be the toughest genes in existence, I know just how tough because a) mum (Wilson) had rhuematoid arthritis in every bone in her body yet still kept going, b) dad (Bonner) had emphysema and also kept going with a smile. If I was half the person of either mum or dad I would be really exceptional, I was lucky I had the operation to take my pain away by a surgeon with terrific skills. A splanchendectomy op is not very common and only three surgeons in this country can do it, God bless Mr Smith for that. Well I am jammy that 7 months on from the diagnosis I am still up and at 'em and unable to wait for my next ride with the vow I will sit tall and NOT slump with round shoulders again (hopefully)
Well I have been assessed by RDA (riding for the disabled), no I am not being led around on a lead rope. I will be learning dressage and I am quite excited by the thought of it all. I really am enjoying getting back into the saddle and meeting all the new horses and new people. At the moment it is a saturday and I have the most awful tummy and cannot stray away from the bathroom. I hope the pains and er problems have gone by the morning. Poor husband has had a boring day already and we are going to see our daughter tomorrow and I cannot let all three of us down. I do not understand this problem and why it happens more frequently, it is a blooming nuisance. If I could ride every day I would, there is something so energising making me grin from ear to ear every time I am in the saddle and it lasts for a long time too, I love life, love my family and love horses I do not want to leave this life for a very long time (hope God heard that one). Whatever will be will be and I suppose I can only thank the power that gave me life for what I have had and any more that is to come.
I am not going to stick dates on until or if I become very ill, because I am naughty and should be updating this regularly. Truth to tell I am ok so nothing to report there. I am riding again and finding the pure pleasure of escapism and fun and even extra energy afterwards, I feel alive after riding, so alive absolute bliss. I don't look like a sack of potatoes I have been told so that made me happy and if I can aim for small competitions at some stage I would be really happy. I have a lot to brush up on before reaching that stage so I am going to try to persuade hubby I may need more than one hour a week (oops if he reads this he just might come through and find any number of reasons I shouldn't (he has time to think them up rather than say it out loud unexpectedly), sometimes I just don't think things through do I? Oh well I can only try. I realise now just how much I did love my riding and I got quite a way along when I was young, now I am brushing up I may take longer to get there. I think we absorb information when we were young without all the hang ups we have as adults.
I am learning on a little horse called Faith and to be fair she is a school master and that makes life easier. Even in high wind if you ask for a collected walk or trot that is exactly what you get, fabulous. I am not going to give this up unless I become to ill, but I feel fine and will last forever. Oh I didn't mention my two new companions did I? I have two rats both grey and white and hilarious. I named them after characters in the Big Bang Theory, Penny (Leonards girlfriend) and Amy (Sheldons girlfriend). My husband decided to have Amy and I decided to have Penny, no surprise that Amy is quiet, neat, clean and just a little nervous, while my Penny is destructive, messy, greedy and a terrorist, she will stare any one down and NEVER dare put your hands near the bars of her cage, drawing human blood is entertaining for her. We do have them both out, then your hands are safe and Penny is quite happy to explore it is great fun, one day Amy will enjoy it I am sure. These two rats are very loveable and very different personalities, it is amazing to watch the characteristics of them both. I love all animals and it is their individuality that holds me spell bound, God bless all creatures everywhere.
9th February 2012
Well Tango has been sold, heart breaking but realistically considering my illness and it being fatal and all that it was for the best. Now I go horse riding and this way I get a lot of pleasure and pay someone else to do the hard work and if anything happens to me they just keep going and are not reliant on me alone, cool. First ride today and I rode a horse called Faith, quite a solid reliable girl and did as she was asked. What stunned me was how good the instructor was and how it all started to fall back into place, big discovery folks......MY HEAD IS NOT A RUST BUCKET yippee! Oh I went home with a huge smile and felt ten foot tall, I enjoyed every minute of the riding and instruction. I hope next time if my poor long suffering husband will agree I may get some photos and video of me riding, I will see then if I am such a sack of potatoes.
31 January 2012
Well I feel lost and sad, it does not take much to remind me Tango will not be mine, we go shopping and the first thing to hit me are the fruit and veg isles in the supermarkets. This is of course makes me automatically go towards bags of carrots, apples and pears, oh, no, I will not be visiting her. Now I hate having cancer and feel like screaming it is not fair. What reminds me of how selfish I am is reading about children with the disease, it really should not happen to children, now that genuinely should not happen and is very unfair. I asked my doctor how long I have and still have no idea, having said that I still want to be near horses so I am going to see if I can ride for half an hour for as often as I can before I really lose it, I can not afford to waste any time now. I suppose not having chemo will give my immune system to build up to stop getting infections, that was not nice going in and out of hospital all the time because of picking up the infections, that was dreadful. It is sad to think that two of my best friends have been lost to me, one because of the livery and the other due to my health. Well I rest easier in the knowledge that it was for the horses sake, Pilgrim had been treated badly before and if you can not trust staff then it is not good to take a risk with a previously abused horse, I loved him too much to leave him there. I can not take the agony of being able to groom and entertain Tango like I should do, also it would not be fair for me to leave this earth and leave the family to deal with her in their grief, so there is no real alternative, this is the only sensible solution. So it is goodbye to my darling Tango and I wish her well, go with my love and we will meet up again and we will both be fit enough to gallop across the sky together, I may get to meet Pilgrim too.
27th January 2012
Well my oncologist said no more chemo it would kill me quicker than the cancer, so prospects not good then I take it. My lungs were affected by the chemo and that is why I can't have it. So today I took the descion to sell my beloved Tango....heartbreaking... I keep crying.... but for her sake she has to have an owner who can care for her, give her the chance to have babies she would be an excellent brood mare. She generous, kind, loving and just so adorable, I defy anyone not to fall in love with her. Anyway there are photos of my beautiful girl in the album here, I so want her to find a loving home before anything happens to me maybe with someone who believes in using Monty Roberts methods, kindness to this girl pays dividends. As for her history I know she came third in two races and I have not traced her blood lines but she is Weatherbys registered. Her tendons are not up to her being ridden again but she is a good brood mare and is free from any sexual diseases, so can be bred from safely. Oh my poor baby, my tears are probably more for me, I hate to have to do this it is worse than having cancer. I could not really careless what happens to me but anything happening to my family and believe me she is part of my family,breaks my heart , the problem here is that I cannot look after her to the best of my ability because I am not fit and healthy enough to do so and she cannot do it for herself. Why oh why did this have to happen? I feel anger because I am such a failure and always have been, right from my earliest memories. I feel as if I failed my parents, sisters, brother, husband, daughter, nieces, Oscar, Pilgrim and now Tango, it is just too much. I on the other hand have been a very lucky person to have had all these people in my life, I have been loved and cared for by each and everyone and that has and is glorious, not many people are so lucky, even people of position and status and wealth have been so lucky.
25th January 2012
OOOps didn't tell you about our exciting saturday did I? Well we got Tango in it was freezing and windy, so naturally she was rather jumpy, as all horses are when it is windy- I was asked why as though people think I know nothing grrrrrr because horses do not hear too well or not at all when it is windy- but I needed to change her under rug quite desperately. So almost off with the top rug when something must have touched her and she exploded into action breaking the clip on her lead rope and galloping off. Talk about speedy, I had to go behind her to make sure she didn't get through the gate and she never kicked me or tried bless her, luckily she headed straight for her field and we were able to catch her again and undress and redress her. Well that was fun and at least she and I had our private time when I took her back to her field and gave her lots of love and comfort before leaving.
Today is the 25th and I had to see my oncologist, he is a lovely man, honest and kind, very good with his patients. I was told that I was not going back on the chemo so I suppose that is a relief. Oncologist is going to keep an eye on my condition and I will have scans periodically and see how I am. I must admit I feel tired by 4-4.30 in the afternoon but that is not a problem I have an excuse for a power nap. My back aches a little sometimes but again that is nothing really my stomach rolls as if I have the runs but I have been given something for that so really I am doing very well, looking at me no one would believe I had anything wrong at all. I asked my oncologist how long I had to live, that was very unfair of me, he could not tell of course and I think he would have told me if he knew, like I say that was bad of me and I feel I should apologise for asking but I would be a liar if I said it did not pray on my mind from time to time. Most of my time though is spent enjoying my loved ones human and animal, they make my life so valuable and precious to me I am hanging on in there for ever. To love and to be loved is the most valuable gift in this life, without it we are not really living. This generation seems to take delight in finding any excuse to hurt others in any way they can, I cannot help but ask why? Are they so bereft of any emotion? Do they not know love, respect or human decency? I pity these poor souls, this behaviour does not encourage or attract love into their own lives. I keep getting the message on Twitter about someone saying bad things about me, I never open them because I do not care what is said about me, what does matter is I do not hurt others.
20th January 2012
Well no more guess work and crossing fingers YIPEE I can go riding again, gosh I am so excited hope it happens soon, at least I know I will be safe and will learn in a comfortable environment. Now the plan is to get brushed up with my dressage and get comfortable with all the paces again or endurance.
19th January 2012
Well here I go again another day another infection but so far no hospital....HOORAY.....I cried like a baby last night because of falling ill seemingly every 2 minutes. My darling husband is right though it is a little hitch that some people would have gladly put up with just to stay alive, looking at things from that angle he is so very right and I feel very guilty for being such a wuss. For anyone with cancer please try to find a good thing to focus on, while we live there is optomism as well as hope, so many new treatments keep coming to the public attention, you or I or all of us hopefully could fall blooming lucky tomorrow.
Meanwhile try if you are able to find something you would really like to do a hobby of some sort or volunteer in an area you are passionate about or study and try and go for it while we live we are able to enjoy something surely. As everyone knows my passion is horses and my old girl is the love of my life the softy that she is. I hope to go riding for the disabled soon so I may get to ride after all, its on my bucket list folks so I will do it somehow, it may not be western as I had hoped but riding is riding and I just can't wait.........try to make your dreams come true, I pray for your success.
I love my husband very much too as well as my daughter. This may sound odd but I get really sleepy by 8 o'clock at night or sometimes earlier and I sleep late too right up until 9 o'clock so I guess that is why I look and feel ok the rest of the day.....there isn't much of the day left really now is there? What a lazy bones! I am going to admit to having back ache and it is in the area of my kidneys, I know I have been off the chemo for a month because of my bodies reaction to it and I wonder if it is related, guess I will find out soon enough. I still feel fit and well aside from the back ache and that isn't intolerable, so I can't wait to get riding again, if I can't learn western then I will have to learn to do dressage.
11th January 2012
What a lovely morning, a good to be alive morning. Tango came over straight away so we grazed and ambled our way over to the yard. I love taking my time, talking to her letting her nibble on the way. In the yard lots of carrots, a few apples and the familiar scrunching down the ear, so lovely to stand there resting cheek to cheek talking or just day dreaming oh how I love my gentle mare, what a babe she is. Well now we get to move the neck piece of her rugs and see just what a mucky madam she is and honestly she has lumps of mud in her mane the size of boulders, so I stand there breaking them up in my fingers to try to get rid of them, otherwise she would have no mane left. Funny old girl, there isn't a bad bone in her body she is a proper little love bug. How anyone could harm a hair on their heads beats me, given half a chance those that hurt animals would have a dose of what they dished out. The love I feel for Tango is every bit as strong as the love I feel for any member of my family and that is how it should be. I loved my parents, love my husband, my daughter and my cat who is a big part of our family (in fact he rules the roost the older he gets, he is 17 now). Tango is 16 y.o and so she deserves to be spoiled and though I won't be bullied (I doubt that will ever happen with her) I do like to spoil her. I am teaching her to finish chewing one mouthful before reaching for another, she isn't barging or getting naughty having to wait so this lesson could go well, I trust her totally. I hope we can do some schooling on a halter soon, I want to go the Monty Roberts way and use the dually halter, that way she teaches herself without me having to do anything I dislike doing. The dually gets uncomfortable if the horse does not stay with the handler, rather like wearing shoes on the wrong feet, it does not hurt so that puts my mind at rest. What a shame she cannot be ridden, I am sure we would have had yet more fun together, still I am glad we have the love and trust, that is luck enough for me, to love a horse and have her trust and love me is what I have always wanted, lucky me, beautiful Tango.
4th January 2012
When I was diagnosed as having inoperable pancreatic cancer I expected to feel terrible all the time, that could not be further from the truth. I admit at the begining before the splanchenectomy the oramorph needed to control the pain was disgusting but then the pain was really bad. Now luckily the pain has gone and I feel so well
it is hard to believe there is anything wrong at all. I have had to have a month off from chemo because of the rare side affect I developed made breathing painful. I have enjoyed not going to the hospital in all honesty I found it a nuisance but a necessary one. When I see my oncologist I may be put back on a lower dose....we shall see. It does not really leave a lot to report in my diary, I lead a pretty boring life to most people, I would love to ride western, love to ride period to be honest, people want my doctor to sign forms and write letters which all cost a small fortune all because of insurance and the sue culture. I would not give a hoot if I fell off I took the risk in the first place so why not take that as given? Are we seen as no brained idiots that cannot see any risk in the things we CHOOSE to do? All areas of life seem to be governed by 'someone might sue' children cannot play conkers without H&S going hysterical, stupid people given the wrong ladder to climb... er.... well Mr dopey, could you not tell that that type of ladder would have slid down without someone else holding it? Good grief I despair at the stupidity of it really I do, there is such a thing as going too far.
Gosh am I an opinionated so and so, sorry but you think about the way we are treated these days, do you not feel it just a little patronising? Anyway short life not enough time to get done what I would love to get done so I got to thinking, what if an already set up charity would take this idea on? My idea of therapy with horses. Then if anything happens to me it would not affect the rescue of horses or the good work for those suffering mental distress. I think I will write to the nearest one and see what the response is....wish me luck.
Aside from all this my love for Tango is strong and so emotional, every time I go to see her she shows me another affectionate move, what a sweetie. My old cat too has become really clingy, stop stroking him at my peril. how honoured I am that two animals demonstrate trust in me, if I put human emotions to one side trust is certain. However I dispute those theories that say animals do not have the emotions of humans. Watch elephants when one of the herd die....is that not grief? To feel grief there must have been an emotional tie to the deceased in the first place, yes, no? I have seen penguins with deceased chics, buffalo all sorts of species morn deceased, when a big cat rubs its cheek against another who is to say that is not affection? I care not for those opinions who say no it is not possible, it will never shake my belief they do feel it and they will be with me in the next life, thank God. Tango knows I love her, otherwise why does she not move away from me when I let her go? Oscar loves me everyone who knows my old cat knows it, he is usually all over me like a rash bless him, however mad he drives me, I love him to bits.
Considering this diary was meant to be about coping with cancer since I found out I had it, in order to help anyone else with it I don't seem to have a lot to offer. The only thing I can say is DO NOT let the dark days win, EVER because life is worth living to the full however long or short, a cure could be announced tomorrow for all we know. There is so much to do out there and if you cant get out try going on line to see if you can do something there. PLEASE keep enjoying life, it is a gift we cannot look in the mouth, it is valuable and very precious. If you have any animals then you are blessed indeed and can take comfort in their love and trust as well as learn valuable lessons from them just by observation of their behaviour.
1st January 2012
Seems funny writing 2012 gosh and I was born in the 1950s wow I must seem like an antique although I don't feel it. I went to the yard this morning and had such a wonderful time. I had a cup of tea with Penny, Sandra brought Tango in for me, such kindness. Tango enjoyed munching needless to say, she is also learning that the words "all gone" along with letting her sniff my empty hands, means there are no more treats and I just love the way she licks my hand. We went back to her field and I took her through the gate and removed her head collar, she never moved and as I was stuck between the fence and her body, I stayed put. I sang to her and stroked her beautiful cheek, slid my hand underneath her chin to stroke the other side of her face and she gently turned and put her cheek on mine, not in a pushy and dominant way either, she had a sleepy look so I kept singing and stroking, I think she may love me, I pray she does she is so gentle and kind and a real foodface bless her.
Happy new year to all of my friends, family and those who read this, bless your kind hearts and blessings in all your endevours, I wish you all good health, happiness and enough wealth not to have to struggle, as well as wishing you true peace that animals seem to acheive without any difficulty, we can acheive it too.
28th December 2011
Having read todays paper I felt very sad it seems thousands of vets....one in five British soldiers will suffer mental illness PTS or other forms of illness. Why on earth am I not doing something? Mental health has been taboo for too long, if not taboo now a real mystery even phsychiatrists do not get it right, and whatthe hell are we doing still using shock therapies in this day and age for? I was told no-one recovered from my illness yet here I am as sane and rational as anyone else, thats why I say the psychs don't get it right. I also think the shock treatment is a barbaric treatment from an ignorant time in the dim and very distant past. Now I admit the service people should be the most deserving as they suffer fighting for their country and they would come first. I also want to help others with mental problems, people are begining to realise that animals and horses in particular help enormously in this area, I know my girl Tango is living proof, in my darkest hours she has lifted me back to normality and trust me when you have cancer it is no easy ride. We have nothing like this in this area of Wales I am desperate to see this set up here. Lots of therapy for young people provided there is room and they can travel to far flung places, but what about adults? what about those who cannot travel distances or have to wait on enormous waiting lists? How about the rescue of horses too. This charity I would love to see set up would provide so much help to so many. With my type of cancer I need someone willing to share the dream on board to help.
24th December 2011
My most favourite day of the year, the reason for that is when our daughter was small. I used to save the wrapping of their presents until Christmas eve, I found it all so exciting sneaking around making things as nice as I could for them. This excitement has never left me, the thing is the feelings of love and giving stays all year because of the pleasure I get from the giving and receiving of these things, I don't mean giving of physical gifts, the gifts of love and friendship are precious things that should be given with an honest open heart never to be abused. Anyway we picked our daughter up and she spent the night, it was so good to be a family on Christmas eve. Christmas morning and the usual chaos ensued with wrapping every where, thank yous and hugs and lots of loves flying around I cannot believe the kind generousity of my family and friends honestly it is astounding. I now wish I could thank everyone adequately.
My next move will be to go to see Tango and spoil her, after all having seen the film about Secrateriat and just how hard racehorses and that industry is has made me glad she is no longer a part of it. Worried about my cat though faithful old Oscar, he has a lump on his nose and snores, not good, he also has arthritis poor old lad. I love my two animal family members. I am so glad my mojo is back though I thought it was gone forever, my tummy plays up a little now and again making me think I have the runs but I can cope with that if my mojo is working, if it doesn't work I get depressed and realise I am poorly
20th December 2011
My mojo has taken ages to come back, it has really been a drag this time, anyway it turns out the chest and breathing problems were down to the toxcicity of the chemo so I have a month off from having chemo and returning on a reduced dose of it, so no appointments for a while YIPEE. Well I had a fabulous day on Sunday the 18th, it started by my getting dressed and going to see Tango. When I got to the yard I had such a welcome it was so good to be back. I was even allowed to have my christmas present early from Penny and Peter, how lovely. Tango whinnied when she saw me ahhhhhh, bless her, what magic button does she press to make me feel like this? Gentle, funny, kind, loving, accepting, I have no idea what the button is but am I glad she is there to press it because I think I would find it so hard to find my mojo, her face, her eyes so trusting. God bless Tango.
I am not putting a date on here because I have been away for some time and it would make me feel guilty. I found myself with so much bounce I cooked like someone posessed, my poor husband was faced with all his favorite dishes and huge portions to boot. Then back to hospital and somewhere along the line all my energy had evaporated into the ether. I was out of hospital for a few days and my chest hurt with every breath and I had no choice but to call my doctor.....guess what?............correct back to hospital, this time when I came out I felt totally numb, no energy, no emotion, nothing. It was either a chest infection or a rare side effect of the chemo, I hope it was a chest infection.
My beloved husband told me that the Order of Lazarus with over a million people had said prayers for me, I cried, so I now know I do have deep seated emotions. How can I thank all the people who have prayed, set up facebook sites dedicated to me, special friends who send beautiful presents from America, it all just makes me cry I am a Jody Nobody. I would like to say a huge thank you to every single person and prayers for a loving and happy life.
I may never see my dream charity in this area come to fruition but for those that suffer any distress I hope they get themselves involved with animals with whom you will never be judged (only cruelty will drive an animal away or make it defend itself), it is a quiet, gentle world where tomorrow has not happened, what is, IS, it is that simple, a stroke or kind word earns its own reward. We are an intelligent race, so we think, I feel we have lost the ability to look at the world in that simple way, we complicate it by saying oh but work, the children, the mortgage, the car etc on and on and on it goes, put in simple terms we are chasing money that is the crux of it. Well as I have discovered a cuddle from my husband can make me feel more important than the Queen. When I find out someone has said mass, prayers, and led prayers for me, a nobody, I cry because I cannot express how amazed I am at the humanity and love there is out there.....lets spread it as far as we can, I know I will try my very best to do so and in doing this it will be a small way of saying thank you to you all.
13th November 2011
A bit on the low side this morning, I think it is because I get so fed up battling the authorities over what we are actually entitled to genuinely not because we are layabouts, it seems no matter how genuinely ill someone is they will always be the easiest targets for governments to toss aside and refuse them help. The only exception is cancer, even then I know of people who have been badly let down. Well I am battling for it and will keep doing so in the intrest of justice and not letting the bullies get the better of me, so MR BLAIR and MR CAMERON, your policies of treating the mentally ill (withdrew support outside of hospital, so vulnerable people either cope alone or end up back in hospital ) and the genuinely disabled (lets get all the drug addicts and alcoholics off DLA, but the genuinely ill are being kicked off and those who have yet to apply will find it impossible to actually get DLA so another very vulnerable group are hit) (heating allowance reduced so the elderly another vulnerable group to be hit) are not going to bully me into giving up and letting you kick the genuinely ill off their entitlements. Had we never worked so hard all our lives I might understand, but we have worked damned hard and payed in to the N.I system for what? We are in a recession I hear all the squealing as I watch the Europhants squander more and more of the billions, threatening more and more wasteful things, charity sent all over the globe, compensation to prisoners? money for illegal immigrants to go home? Really what lunacy is this YOU CANNOT LOOK AFTER YOUR OWN MR CAMERON never mind the flotsam that is Europe.
I already feel the battle I am fighting is tough enough but I will manage that, sometimes though it feels a little lonely, strange isn't it? There is my husband and daughter and nephew and nieces, how can I feel lonely? Easy as it happens this is an unknown path and if the person who is walking it does not know what to expect how is anyone else? Will the chemo make me feel tired and listless? Will it shrink the tumor? Pancreatic is one of the most aggressive cancers it seems. I was called brave by a Doctor, how kind but there is no other way I know to deal with illness other than not let it beat me, it will though eventually, however long it takes we all know it will eventually, which is why Tango s quiet and calm is the best friendship ever. Tango quietly without words or backing off allows me to hug her, that feels good and makes me cry, gives me the release I need and for once I was alone to do it. Her legs are a little sore still from a kick or kicks some time last week, poor baby.
LAST SUNDAY. Well what a thrill indeed, I had a ride on my friends Momma Bear, what a beautiful, gentle rock solid girl she was, not only is she cuddly to look at she is just such a comfy bear too, good as gold, but then I only see her sometimes and she is on good behaviour then, only her mummy knows her best. It was very much a privilige to sit on her.
Tango and I are really bonding now, I just feel so much closer to her every time I see her, she is such a love and so calm, gentle and very affectionate. I enjoyed every moment with her last week but this week is tinged with concern. Her rear and fore legs one of each, are rather thick and swollen and I am worried. There does seem to be a strike area but I am not happy knowing she is hurt. Oscar has arthritis and that is bad enough, I hate animals hurting. Tango has been given something to help
so I am hoping when I see her she will have recovered at least a little bit
October 27 2011
Tuesday 25th was a fabulous day and a day that Tango and I seemed to have a real deep bonding session. All the horses were at the top of the field not far from the stile. This was not quite so bad to start with so I sat on the stile and just said ' are you coming then?', over came Tango and we managed a few treats before we were sussed out. Tango walked away while a couple of others came too close, so I walked away as well, just far enough to keep talking to Tango. The thing is she knows I won't leave until all the treats have gone and hangs around for as long as I do. The others usually get bored waiting and nothing happening for them and wander off, she took her mate away from the stile and headed a roundabout way back to me and managed to finish her treats. At this point I stood up and started to rub her face and sing to her, you are my sunshine. She really seemed to enjoy it very much and it was so hard to leave. I am going to try to up load the sequence of photos of arrival leaving on the album. It was a really joyful day for me just because she chose to stay with me.
October 20 2011
Ok so I am late on the update, I went to Tango on Tuesday, but, because the trek over two fields, grooming and walk back did make me rather a little tired, this time I decided to risk giving her the treats at the stile. The herd were there and two of them hung around waiting to see what I was up to. Luckily Tango knew full well, and hung around until both her patience and mine beat the other two horses hollow. I sat on the stile with my back to her and passed the treats up over my shoulder. The scrunching in my ear was funny, the only negative is the drool that tends to end up all over me, sticky apple, carrot or pear. I do not care, it's a price worth paying seeing a happy horse and having lots of head scratching which she also loves, licks for me and touching such a magnificent horse that brings me such joy. The peace and friendship at Staroak, nothing compares to such utter pleasure, no clocks just bird song, horses galore......bliss.
Our daughter came home from a peaceful holiday where there were no phones. We are so ruled by clocks and telephones no wonder stress levels are through the roof, no money because of greedy energy firms etc, the whole rat race really. My bliss in life is seeing my family, waking up in the morning seeing my husband. A visit from my daughter, sisters, nieces, nephew, my family are so very important. If someone is stuck in that horrid rat race, dictated to by phones and clocks, how about trying a safe walk, let someone know where you are going, leave the mobile and watch and take a breather out of it for a while? Even stay at home get rid of the clock and put the phone off the hook and picture your own paradise. Life is full of beauty we just don't look sometimes, ok so the colour of a blade of grass may seem ridiculous to you but really look at it and see just how many greens there really are there and see if each blade is exactly the same, is there moss in the grass, a little or tiny white flower peeping through? Whimsical, yes maybe but nature is has that about it, it is not just the huge picture of the trees in autumn, the smaller details shouldn't be lost either.
Today I feel ok but very lazy it is more a case of can't be bothered than anything else, it is not a depressive slide either, just bone idle and I might just indulge that for today, or I may just get some house work done for a novelty. Due the flu jabs tomorrow so heaven only knows what that will bring, we shall see. I seemed to surprise my district nurses when they visited because I looked so well and so full of energy, they reckoned that usually after that amount of chemo most are flat out on the sofa. Since when have I ever been a normal person I wonder? No-one ever recovered from the mental issue I recovered from, I was osteoporotic and osteoarthritic which only happens in obesity, something no-one can ever say I was that at 5foot 5inches and 8and a half stone, you try finding any information on a combination of the two...ha good luck! If you have both you like me are stuffed getting any help with it which really angers me, it does happen to people so the medical profession should be able to help them somehow, even with information. Oh well from this most unusual odd ball who is quite happy to admit it, maybe I am cured from my cancer or if not quite there at least very well down the road to the point of almost there, I feel very positive that this is going now, so roll on odd ball life I love you and am going to keep being me.
October 16 2011
Tango day, yipee. Went down to the stud, had a lovely cup of tea and chat with Penny, went to get Tango in glorious sunshine, peaceful fields and the calm was just fabulous. Tango was in a distinct mood for playing silly games today which I found fun. I like to watch these little quirks come out. Today it was you will have to come and catch me, then it was I am a very nervous spooked horse here. We had fusses in the yard, we had rug checks for the weather to make sure everything fitted well and then time to head back, this was where I ended up giggling my head off at her antics. She was playing spooky and jumpy, I was taking no notice. She then decided to jump 2 feet in the air and land trotting, until the rope pulled her up, I was just telling her what a plonker she was when she started to pull funny faces at me, what could I do? I nearly wet myself, this was a first for us and had me hysterical that she could pull such faces. Where the heck is my camera when I need it? I have said this before and will say this again, I will come through on the end of Tango's lead rope and I love being at the stud too, I have missed it so much, it brings a quality of life to me that is hard to define and I am me and who I am, that is true freedom.
October 15 2011
I did not realise just how hard it hit the family, the news of having cancer, I seemed to focus too much on how to tell them, then expected them to brave up and take things as they came, how very selfish and mean was that? Then to get this bug and frighten them half to death again and expect them to be just the same as usual once I came round. I feel such a callous heel, what would it have been like if it had been another member of the family? Thank God it isn't but if? Would I be handling it the way I want everyone else to for me? I want people to be honest with me, tell me the truth about how they feel, I am not porcelain I can handle it now, I think I always had a sneaking suspicion of an earlier than normal demise. I have had so many conversations trying to prepare my daughter for the eventuality and it will be a happy passing and I will never leave not really. My fear is not just I do not want to die, I do not want to leave the ones I love, I am that selfish. Trouble is I was so attached to mum and dad............ It is like mum and dad have a home waiting, and as their daughter I am the little girl again playing out, maybe they have told me to be home for tea time and I am making the most of it, but like I was as a child I will be late, my 'watch stopped' knowing me. This analogy is not in real time, I am fighting this, without the cancer I might have made 90, with it I may make 89 I don't know. I don't want to know either, I only know I want to be with my family all the time.
Sitting in the car and daydreaming as I do when we park up just the colour of grass and moss, it was vibrant and such a lovely colour. The colour of the sky and the soft light and mood it evoked. The cool moisture smell this morning with the sunlight bouncing off the leaves on the trees makes and always has made my life a real joy to be in. There are definate smells to seasons and the most striking one to me is the approach of winter, and bonfire night signals it most, the few days run up has that smell and it rivets me and excites me. Bonfire night is my eldest sisters birthday and I remember mum, sparklers, fireworks, dad, toffee apples and an awful lot of fun in a great childhood.
October 13th 2011
I am so glad things are begining to settle back down somewhat back to the life I seem to recall enjoying so much, this is better. Obviously it has had to change to some degree, in order to fight this I need the chemo and meds etc and am happy to do that, so long as there is normality too. When our daughter was young and we worked and had hectic lives I cooked homemade meals, knitted, sewed and remember being very domestic. Since retirement when I have time in abundace, you would think, I stopped doing any of it, now it has struck me as wierd. My daughter has a lovely friend who is having a baby and I started knitting, only a blanket to begin with but I seem to have been bitten by the bug to do it again, knitting that is. The only cafe food (who sent my recuperative stew to my house 'Kassidy's') whose taste is sublime has encouraged me to try to get my cooking skills back, no where else gets the flavours right for me. I have one problem though, the portions, I seem to be trying to feed the 5,000 in one sitting. I am also very clumsy at the moment too, I get up in the morning and head for the bathroom, fully wide awake, wash my hands, come out of the door and then walk straight into a wall, I drop things and spill things a lot. This digestion side has its unfortunate wind related problems too, there is no control. I cannot understand why, if this cancer has a known effect on enzymes,they don't get prescribed on diagnosis. Oh well I don't what to do about the related uncontrollable problems it is just a bit embarrassing for other people I think.
October 10th 2011
Well I suppose if I am honest this has been a whole readjustment time for everyone involved in my life, my perspective being a very selfish one. I have had very honest, direct conversations to ensure that there are no ill feelings and no deliberate hurt intended, but, that I am not to be discussed or my plans to be discussed at all unless I raise any issues I have, for example I will do what I am able, if I cannot I will ask, then if I am refused then I can make other arrangements. I know my limits and would never rely on anyone unless it is impossible for me to cope or manage and even then not rely on, ask, my desicions are my own again and I feel so much happier, more back to my old self, phew in capital letters.
Happy, happy day today, we all went out together this morning, ok only shopping but my husband, David ( his preferred name) and myself and we all seemed to really enjoy it, we laughed like old times, wound each other up in fun like old times it just felt so good to me, not being an ogre for wanting self control back. Perhaps I became so obsessed over it. I am praying that this will last for ever and that all the old fun we enjoyed can stay around for good, I hate any confrontation it hurts and depresses me badly and with emotions highly charged it makes it worse. I will not sink into that pit of despair, I cannot afford to, plus, when I think of Tango so willing to hook up with me and follow me two fields on to get to our special treats area, how could I? How much joy and pleasure this girl gives me in just coming near me is unbelieveable and priceless, she is pure magical joy.
I am so going to take control again now, I am fed up being controlled by descisions others decide to make without even bothering to ask me how it makes me feel. I mean being baby sat I ask you! I have some dignity you know, I have some bloody pride, human being here. I wouldn't mind if I was asked or consulted it would show that some measure of my feelings were being considered not steam rollered into what is thought best for me like some zombie. I know intentions are good but it becomes the path to hell when the actual person is not a part of what is planned, even the medical profession do not do that. Anyway I have found that my gums bleed no matter how gentle I am when brushing them, so I guess it is mouthwash etc. A really strange symptom is I fall into a blissful deep sleep, dead to the world and BANG eyes open wide and lying in a pool of perspiration, my pillow is soaked through. No warning, no nightmares, such a strange thing to happen, I suppose I will have to try to tell the doctor that one and see what it is.
October 9th 2011
I started to lose the will to go out after all this losing control feeling yesterday and having trips I hoped to do taken away and the looking after bit and got very down about it. So this morning I just thought what is the point of going to Tango? Well I kicked myself thoroughly over that one, this one area no-one controls but Tango and her descions, ha! Perfect, yes I am going and I am so happy I did. She was at the very bottom of the lower field, I managed to get there, she hooked up and followed me all the way to the top gate with me, oh God bless my little mare. We had a very sneaky treat session where we were not suspected of being treated. Then we had fusses and as my hand rested there she just licked and licked it. Maybe I am silly but I love this girl I hope she will always know this, she also keeps me strong because all she ever does is to make it her descion and that is the ultimate, individuals make their own descions and are free to do so.
I find it funny how silly and piffling little things become huge and all consuming, this is odd ok? I make my porridge (only decent meal in some hospitals, trust me), just slightly thicker, spread very soft dark brown sugar over the top and pour so much milk over the top so that the porridge is a floating island, do not mix the sugar because each spoonful comes up with a coating anyway, what a fabulous breakfast. Stupid thing is it is becoming an ice cream fad....help?
October 2nd 2011
Oh wow, what a difference, this may be graphic and rather awful to read but I am going to be honest, so those who are not into medical stuff, do not read this bit or look away now. I had absolutely no control of my bowels for a long time and became dehydrated quite badly. It burned passing motions to the point of near screaming, it left me totally drained of anything, feeling, sensation other than burning it was horrible. Well the wow will become clear in a moment. I have had the bliss of eating what I want when I want it, my body keeps saying, rice pudding, ice creams, fruit, sweets, stew (from Kassidys especially) and adding dumplings to my own. I need to start my bone building again because of the osteo-porosis that has taken a back seat to the cancer, so all the creamy bits maybe due to that. This morning after not being able to go to the toilet for nearly a week had me worried, well I need worry no more I went and without any medicine to make me! That makes all the difference I did it myself. Now about this diet, since the Creon tablets what a blissful heaven this is, eat lots of creamy etc I get told, well I listen and always have to what my body tells me and so far it has worked, when I asked for a banana because I just fancied one on a whim I was told about it being good for potassium which I needed badly at the time. Just one among many examples of listening to my own body being important to me, so imagine my delight in being given free reign to dig in there? Both my daughter and niece have been talking about all the nice new ice creams out on the market........er may I become their offical taster and reviewer? I am in heaven here am I not? Eating all this is bliss, I love eggs too, boiled (soft), fried and poached, so long as the yolk is dippy, like me!
I would like people to know me a bit better too so to show you a glimpse of me here it is. I have pride and take pride in the fact that I will NEVER ask anyone to help me, it would have to be pretty darned impossible situation to warrant it. I refuse point blank to have anyone do things as a carer because I will do it if it kills me, it has and is a real rareity for me to accept an offer. I will NEVER take advantage of anyone EVER. I have had a dear friend take me to chemo, Lis and feel it so unfair to her, she has family and a life outside of 4 hours hanging around for me, it hurts me to see a lovely lady so generously doing this. It hurts because I feel such overwhelming need to give back and cannot show it well enough it always feel clumsy. I am very emotional and at the moment do not have a lot of control over what makes me cry with happiness and what makes me so angry, I have no idea how to handle this.
Now I have found that I am safe to drive in the morning the occassional shopping trip can now be done by me so that will allow Mike to free up from the Saturdays, funny since he moved here I seem to have seen less of him than when he lived in Nottingham, and more of his fish. Funny guy always so busy, so busy it is like watching a whisp of smoke floating in and out of your life and just waiting to see when it will drift in or out again. He too has family all over the place and I will not be an interference in that for anything and anyone who thought otherwise deserves a blooming good roasting over the coals, all I can say is shame on them for assuming I would allow that.
I really realise how lucky I am, a husband who has cared for and loved me for 25 years, through losing a baby, breakdowns mine and his through losing parents and now this wretched cancer. We will beat it but it is just a little hard at times. We have had an awful lot of fun on the way and that is so important not lose sight of. If all I ever remember is the funny side my life will be sucessful, if people play me out on funny songs I am a sucess. One life, one chance, darned well enjoy it, not at the expense of others though, try to encourage others to enjoy the ride with you always is my own way of seeing it. I hope everyone can see the love, fun and vitality in life and those suffering loss, there is nothing can be said or done to ease that, I wish there was a magic solution to help that pain. Love and ones who loved in life would never wish for us to continue life crying and in pain and may for all we know be desperately trying to cuddle us or shout at as to stop how do we know if we are not hurting the spirit of the passed one? I hold no views here of any religious beliefs so as I do not judge do not judge me by a mooted possibility. I have a totally open mind and will not condemn anyone unless they commit crimes against others, this life is for sharing spiritual love, support and living.
Well I am a very happy individual, I can eat at last, I am out of pain AT LAST I have stopped smoking at last, so a lot of at lasts. Thing is I have this peculiar sensation of one step outside of my own body. Very hard to describe indeed, if I pinched myself it may hurt, but not as much as it normally would have, or almost travelling life with one eye partially sleeping, hmmmm best say it this way a calm a very deep calm has descended on me as if I have faced death and the fear of it has released its hold over me and all I would feel is sleep and deep rest, death can no longer frighten me. So as I write this I realise this is exactly what it is death has no hold on me, wow that is a discovery as I wrote it. Peculiar to think that I believed in being back with my parents and loved ones if I did pass over, to be scared of death, to then face it and not be is a kind of consoling sensation.
I still feel a little remote maybe because all the hopes and dreams I had and the boundries too, are no longer having to be drawn and redrawn all the time, which thinking about it was draining. I wanted to do this, but my back cannot cope. I wanted to that but my arthritis.....blah, blah annoying, frustrating. Then along comes something that could potentially take everything away and you are left realising the truth in life. Nothing is more important than leaving a legacy of love to be passed on to people and animals and we really need desperately to let people know. If you can give a smile rather than a frown PLEASE DO IT, if you can give a hug PLEASE DO IT, you may be pleasantly surprised or delighted, what have you got to lose? This is how I feel and I know hugging my husband, daughter, all those I love including Oscar and Tango make me feel 1,000 feet tall.
I have been given enzymes to help me digest my food, after one tablet my stomach stopped with the rolling pain of old, my god what miricle is this? I felt so much better already, anti-depressants (mild) because I was crying so much all the time, then steroids to help build me up, next morning I swear someone switched me for someone else, this is not me is it? I may not be as strong as I was physically but mentally I feel it. I am so glad my daughter did some research and asked my oncologist about the enzymes that made such a difference. Anyway went to see Tango today, our friend took me in her car and met Tango, Yvonne met us there and met Tango for the first time too. It would seem that our friend and Yvonne noticed just how much of a difference came over me being at Staroak Stud with my girl and just why I love her, they were amazed at her gentleness and her beauty and I have never been so proud of such a horse in all my born days, her and I can never part, I will get better and be well enough to get my routine back I will fight to the death for it now, I mean seriously fight for my health for her to be with her.
What a struggle, struggle to wake up, struggle to eat, struggle to go to the loo, struggle living. Burning feet horrid sensation, miserable and down all the time just the most horrid feelings ever and I thought it would never end. I was in an endless loop of pain, depression, discomfort, no energy, no control over my bowels or muscles and having to pretend to everyone I was getting better when in reality I had had it, enough was enough. Today however was so different, strange indeed, I wanted to sing so I started on the Bear Neccesities from Jungle Book and immediately felt happier. I got dressed, told my husband I fancied going to the corner shop for my paper and that is just what we did. Now I may not have complete control over my muscles but that will come nor it seems do I have any control over my bowels but I am NOT going to let that get in the way of getting better. Today is the start of my recovery and I am going to see Tango on Saturday and I can't wait, I miss my old girl and owe her big time for her love and trust she shows me. Poor old Oscar though has had it with me drifting in and out of the home and has become a daddy's boy now, can't say as I blame the poor old lad, he can't even walk over me as my tummy is sensitive so....there we go.
Where were we? Oh I don't know......... so I will start from my last memory. Yvonne and Ugo came to pick us up to go to Wrexham hospital for my unusual operation. This involved splitting the nerves near my pancreas to stop the severe pain. For the first time since the diagnosis I realised I have cancer and I could not stop crying, why I do not know, I was as confused as to why I was like this as everyone else. I felt strong up until that moment and now I felt weak. The operation was a sucess but overnight I was very sick and had diahorrea which continued into the morning. Despite this they discharged me me and I felt really rough and I was totally dehydrated. As soon as I was home my husband was shocked and the doctor was called. We were told to phone the ambulance (this was not my own doctor whom I respect, by the way.
The ambulance arrived at 5.40 and theey wanted to take me to the hospital where I'd had the operation. No-one at home would accept this and so off to Glan Clwyd I went. Because I needed barrier nursing and there were no rooms available I had to remain on the ambulnce for an hour until there was a private room to use in A & E for an examination. I saw a surgical doctow in case another operation was necessary but it wasn't, I saw clinical doctors to assess me and get me on drips for the dehydration. Bloods galorw were taken and an x-ray. It soon became a situation where I had no strength for anything not even a smile, I wanted mercy and to be put down, it wasn't fair that they ask me to keep going, in fact it was cruel to me in my eyes. Do you know what though? As desperate to die as I was then, ask me now how I feel. All those I love, my family, my friends have all pulled me through and am I ever glad of it.
(If you want to follow the story and chart my slow progress go to http://barsetshirediaries.wordpress.com home page or http://lorddavidspage.weebly.com home page)
Now I have to organise Tango as I am about five or six days overdue in paying her livery so better get my skates on and her teeth need sorting. I miss this baby girl like mad and now I have hope to be able to get to her asap. The operation has left me with a minus but on the positive side I am nearly drug free and no pain as such it is like a miracle, so Mr Baker you are a hero to me, as only one of three surgeons in the country able to do this operation, take a well earned bow. As for the hospital where the op was performed and the ward I was taken to, hang your head in shame.
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I simply must mention a very special lady her name is Lis, she has been an absolute rock through all of this scarey period, she has been taking me and my husband to all of chemo sessions and it takes around four hours every time. How many people would not only refuse to take petrol, drive to the hospital and hang around for that length of time? I would have been ok with hospital transport but here is a friend of the highest order doing this for us and very kind.
Wow what a gorgeous day, beautiful sunshine this morning pouring it's golden healing light straight into my bedroom window. I was a bit sore and wobbly on my legs but the sun and the meds made me feel good. my husband was going to accompany me to see my beloved Tango! I got dressed. organised the apples and carrots and off we went. When we arrived my husband pointed out Pat and Sandra making their way over to us. I got hugs from both of them, bless them I thanked them both Pat had sent some of the most lovely messages and repeated her offer of riding her "big momma bear" and Sandra for her support too. After saying hello to Sandra's 'Ted' and a big love for Pats momma bear, we went off to see Tango my baby girl. Both Pat and Sandra came with us and brought a headcollar, as Tango was in the farthest field right at the bottom. Sandra went to catch Tango for me, how kind was that? She was some distance away and Sandra did not want me walking all that way, I must say I was so grateful for that as my legs were rather shakey. What a blissful morning made all the happier for seeing the girls and meeting their horses too, both of their horses are lovely and I am rather fond of momma bear, she is a very big girl but has a kind eye and a very nice nature. My husband made friends with a grey, got his face licked by Ted.and it was so nice to enjoy all this with him. Tango was a dream and as good as she always is, I adore this gentle darling, stroking her beautiful face is such a privilige, am I ever the luckiest woman in whole wide world? Days like this make life so much more positive I will get through this on the end of Tangos lead rope, with a bag of goodies for her and a grooming kit at my feet. God bless horses and my Tango especially.
I am lucky to have such supportive family and friends, I think sometimes with the pain, sicklyness all the appointments, the chemotherapy treatments, God forgive me, I may not have been as appreciative as I should have been, I can only hope they will forgive me. I had my second treatment a couple of days ago, next day was fabulous again, the following day was a bit painful but heyho up days and down days. I really hope I can see Tango at the weekend before the ...whatever complicated scientific name for my operation is, they are splitting the nerves to stop the pain, again I am lucky because there are not many surgeons in this country who do this and while the operation is not rare it is not a run of the mill kind either. I am optomistic in that I hope to be running around like normal without the pain in tow, I am really excited about getting back to normal, even better when all the treatment is over and I get the all clear hopefully. Back to riding, back to being with Tango at the drop of a hat, enjoying the sunshine, the peace and quiet around the countryside ohh bliss. Such happy days to come and I just can't wait I am itching to get to that point. Anyone who knows what this disease is like I hope you will take heart in the fact that life is beautiful, you can also set the beauty as a goal for your own future.
Arghhhh, if one more well meaning person says 'think positive' I will commit murder, I swear. Anyone who knows me knows I am NOT a defeatist SO THERE! If I were would I have dragged myself out despite feeling like death warmed up? I already know to keep positive for my loved ones I am not a child and surprisingly at 55 years old am actually an adult, thank you very much. These platitudes may make you feel better dear or fill the silence but had you given me chance I would have filled it with something much more appropriate, like nice day isn't it? I know it is hard to know what to say but if that is the case, say so for heavens sake, I prefer honesty to patronising platitudes. I WANT to be with my husband, my daughter, all my family and friends and TANGO all the time, do you really think I want to be ill and not recover? If so you are mad. There are good days where I might get out for half an hour or so and bad days where my bed seems to be the softest comfort away from the pain. Every two days the morphine does not do anything for the pain so it has to be increased. The more it is increased the more sickly I feel and the more sickly the less I feel like eating. This is really a horrid catch 22 situation and until I have the operation on the nerves to stop the pain I will have good and bad days and my bad days I have every right to feel ugh horrid, it does not mean however I am being defeatist, just downright honest. Allow me to be who I am after all I would expect everyone else to be who they are, no more no less. Just like being a horse I suppose, what you see is what you get, like it or lump it. That is what I love about animals, no messing, I'm here in the here and now. Oscar is getting old and crying for attention a lot of the time and sleeping the rest of it, but poor old lad he is so gentle these days he has become so loving and soft, he reminds me of Tango in his gentleness.
It has been a horrendous time in the run up to the chemo therapy, pain so bad I've been climbing the walls with it, meds kept being changed until I got so confused the doctor had to come down to do a review and sort out what I should and should not take, it turned out I was overdosing a couple of times thanks to all the conflicting opinions. Hey ho what madness, still it over now, the meds muddle I mean. I had my first chemo yesterday and last night was again climbing the walls with pain, the kind of pain that limits your breathing. This morning I woke up at 5 which is later than the 2 or 3 in the morning of late. I felt strange, what was missing? God heavens I felt a couple of little niggles but where was all that crippling pain? My legs were wobbly but I suddenly felt free, FREEDOM at last! I cannot believe this, after so long I think it can only be down to the chemo, it must have taken the cancer cells by surprise and bashed it over the head with a lump hammer. If this is the effect of chemo all I can say is roll on the rest of the treatments. I am going to dive down to see Tango at the weekend and load myself up with treats for her, tell her how sorry I am for not having been with her for ages and let her know I love her more dearly than ever. I have to get well for her and love her for the rest of her beautiful life.
Well I bravely got on the scales this morning and had to admit I have lost weight, I now tip the scales at 7 stone 12 and a half pounds, I have not weighed that much since I was 13 years old, I have been 8 stone 7lbs and 9 stone and fluctuating any where between the two. The increase in morphine is making me feel quite sickly in the mornings and still have no apetite. The sun is shining and I wish to goodness I could be out there enjoying the country air with Tango, the feel of her warm soft body as I groom her, the gentle face looking for carrots, the smell of the yard or the field, the birds singing their little heads of and flitting about. The clip clop of her feet as we gently stroll back to her field, me talking utter rubbish to her or murdering some tune that has popped into my head, bless her Tango having her ear turned towards me, to be fair she never criticises me or my terrible singing, she deserves a meddle for not running off when I start.
Well the operation to stop the pain by splitting the nerves to the pancreas is set for the 8th of September, the Macmillan nurse and staff have been such a strong support since they got on board I do not know how we managed before hand, they are worth their weight in gold, honestly, not just for me but for the whole family, God bless them.
Last night I was sweating and writhing in agony even after taking all my meds, dreadful night, so I phoned Macmillan and a professor phoned back with the advice to take double morphine, that sure worked, I had to take double this morning and felt sickly after but it soon wore off. I had another call back to go in for a consultation, it seems there is an operation to stop the pain signals from the nerves around the pancreas. They are going to do this so the morphine does not have to keep being increased virtually every two days. This cancer is quite a darned painful disease I did not realise just how bad it actually was, as I have said before life is one big learning curve and this is one more lesson on my life path. Am I being given an insight into the suffering some others are going through to understand better? To truly know what someone else's life is like in some way? I dearly wish I could take their suffering away from them, I wish I could help in some way. I have been through breakdowns, a divorce, domestic violence with my first husband, now my life is happy and fulfilled with a good husband who loves me dearly, supports me through so much, bless him, the cancer now is teaching me things I never truly understood. While I believe I will recover and there is no doubt about that I feel less scared about death now and absolutely must acheive my goals, i would like a charity that takes someone one on to perpetuate it if the worst were ever to happen and keep it going with all the love and care that can be mustered, for the horses and the people the therapy is aimed at (those who want or need it). I have had so many ideas about the whole set up and want it to include things that have a preparation therapy first before getting to the horses. A retreat where all sorts of therapies can be included for humans and horses and then therapy for both together. So many ideas springing up from my fertile mind and something to aim for when I get the good news at the end of treatment. Well folks I must go feeling queasy again as I have just taken my meds, back tomorrow all being well.
I know I was with Tango so briefly yesterday but it is being played and replayed in my head all the time, her coming over so willingly and being able to stroke her noble head, her friend by her side, there was no barging or pushing or any nasty behaviour at all. Being with horses is just the best medicine ever, being with Tango is even better still for me. What a thrill it is and what an honour to have her standing by me like that.
Today the pain is bad again, it seems that every two days the medication is less likely to be taking any of it away and it is very tiring. I have been told that my medication can be changed to something more powerful so I would need less of it, I just wish they would get on with it, pain is not easy to live with and does tire you out very quickly I cannot remember what feeling normal is like any more. I suppose it will be better tomorrow when I get the new meds though and i will be starting the chemo soon hooray, then watch me get up to all sorts afterwards.
Well what a fabulous couple of days, fantastic. I wrote to my friend, well left a message on her wall really to explain that I would either pay Tangos livery or have her removed by Horseworld, I did not in any way want to take advantage of anyone, I really am not that kind of person honestly. My friend phoned me to say I was not to worry and that Tango will be cared for, how very kind and lovely she was. I did ensure payment was made though because as I say I will not take advantage it is not fair in these difficult economic times. My friend has said she will take photos and tag me with them to see her on line, that is a very kind thing to do for me and very much appreciated.
Well today I went into Tangos field and hey presto over she came bless her. I was thrilled to bits to see her heading towards me. That kind gentle face with all the beauty I remember every hair, marking and big brown eyes. I have missed her so very much, Foxy was next to her so they both got fed carrots Tango by me Foxy by Mike. It was lovely just to stroke her gorgeous face. I had to leave all too soon but it was so well worth it at last I had seen my preciuos girl. i hope when I go through the chemo I will get days when I won't feel too tired to go back.
I would like to mention someone here too Ilil Arbel has been sending me so many horse books it must have cost a fortune sending them from America, this very kind lady who has written various books of her own including The Cinnibar Box (very good read), has been such a great support. I would like her to know that I am indeed very grateful to her for her support.
There are many people who have been so kind to me the list has been enormous and has surprised and delighted me no end at a later date when the pain is not so bad I will mention and put my thanks to them properly on this page. Because I hurt at the moment I hope my friends do not think they are not important because THEY DEFINATELY ARE and I could not go through this without them.
Bored, bored, bored, miss Tango, miss the old me. Great news though, Lily a friend I made on holiday in Orlando a few years ago is coming to see me, how lovely is that? Lily is a real inspiration, she has had cancer 4 times, her health has not been the best by any stretch of the imagination, she really is a courageous lady, fun to be with and a really great lady. To take the time out to come by train and all the blooming changes that involves, stay in a B&B just to come and see me is just amazing, true friendship indeed! How lucky I am to know Lily and what a stroke of luck to meet her on holiday. See even two weeks can lead to meeting someone who touches your life and enriches it so very much. I keep getting told that I am too open and trusting, but do you know what? If I had not been the way I am I would be the loser, yes I have been kicked in the teeth more times than I care to count, but for every nugget of pure gold I find makes the kicks fade into insignificance. My nuggets of gold I keep very close to my heart to keep me warm and nourished through the times that are more challenging. The ones that kick me are then kept at arms length and observed closely so I can pre-empt the next kick and intervene to stop it. I may be seen as a mug or an idiot, wrong very wrong I am not stupid for being the way I am I have been rewarded more than kicked and that is well worth being me, trust me. Put it another way I will not change not for anyone and my beloved family and friends must be aware of that and must also be aware of how valuable the rewards are to me. Whatever my beliefs are on this earth does not matter, what does matter is trying to live my life as honestly as possible and trying to treat others with the respect and dignity I would like to be treated with myself. Surprisingly there are contrary to belief many a young person out there with good morals and principles that deserve to praised for their caring attitudes, there should be no discrimination of any sort, age, race, gender, beliefs etc. We are all human beings trying to live our lives on what is turning out to be one small planet, to be able to do this, love and tolerance should be the things we practice most, before we totally destroy ourselves. Watch horses, they do not group themselves into breeds and colouring do they? In fact they will team up with different species even. Why do we not take a leaf out of their book?
My Pet Peeve.
Believe it or not rudeness comes slowly to me. This week I was tempted not only to be rude but to swear. I have a wife with cancer about to undergo chemotherapy. I have already mentioned this and the fact that she would have to give up her beloved Tango. I should have changed this because apparanty the owner of the stables phoned full of sympathy (?) to say don't worry, she can't let Tango go. I was delighted by this because Ju was happy, though I reserved judgement because of the previous response to the information that we would no longer be able to afford fees and Julia's illness is obviously long term, it was at that time the stable owner said Tango would have to go elsewhere and may have to be considered to be sold as petfood...how hurtful to a horse lover.
Tango's tangled life seems strange here in that the Stable owner had supposedly 'rescued' her in the first place and so was responsible for her welfare. Then she 'sold' Tango to Julia to care for because she couldn't be ridden and made her responsible for monthly stable fees. Yet at the point of Julia's illness is prepared to send a horse she herself rescued to the dog food factory? Unbelievable.
Now after the latest reprieve and being told not to worry Julia receives a phone call to talk about fees again despite having been told there can be none because of our circumstances and Julia's illness. It's left Julia feeling quite sick again as to what will happen to Tango next. I do hope this person doesn't rescue any more horses.
One development yesterday was a phone call that did leave me rather a little upset, it was what was going to happen with Tango, her livery is not due 'til the end of this week and I am being asked to think of the winter, I do understand this maybe an issue but at the moment I don't know when or if I will still be alive or going through chemo or what the hell is happening. If I fall behind in payments then I can understand the panic, but right now is perpelxing to me. Today I have been told I will start the chemo in two weeks time and it will be at my local hospital thankfully. If I can't pay then I will ask horse world to take her, I do not like debt in anyway and thought I had made that perfectly clear. Not being able to eat and being in the dark, still upset over dad and this whole cancer thing has been hell to put it politely I really do not like phone calls that stress over a future that has not arrived yet, would it be wiser to to give her up at this juncture?
What a lazy lifestyle this waiting is, I am an active busy bee usually and am not used to this waiting around business, things should have happened yesterday and if not chase my tail until it did. My sister Muriel told me that it was about time I took it easy and stopped rushing around doing everything. I reckon I definately take after my mum Betty and once a run around always a run around, there is nothing worse for an active person than sitting and waiting. So I cleaned my hall carpet with a mop and washing liquid in the water (you know that stuff used for washing clothes), my sister told me that one (she wasn't happy I went and tried it, she was only telling me that was what she did with her huge rug), by jiminy it works a treat and no hoovering afterwards, it really makes it smell nice as well as lifts the stains. I reckon if I do it on a regular basis my carpets will stay looking like new. Oh and we put some anti bacterial washing up liquid in as we both had animals that were either sick, piddled or pooped on the rug/carpets. Hope that top tip comes in useful folks, ps. If you are a smoker like me it lifts that pong too, even I have to admit that tobacco smoke is rather stinky. This is not however the only thing that I like doing so am still bored out of my pea sized brain, so we are going to clear the house of clutter and have a garage sale after my treatment if and when I get it so I can start to think about setting up a charity. I have sat on my bottom too long over this and now it is annoying me that I have been such a coward in getting it going, no more cowardice, get off my proverbial and get going, lets give these people who are keeping me in the dark and waiting a swift kick up their rear too, stop telling me what I am entitled to and then dumping me with non of it, get off your backsides and let me have my entitlements then, you give it drug users and alcoholics quick enough. I would like an appointment with an oncologist if at all possible not be promised one and left with a hollow promise hanging in the air wondering if it will ever happen at all. Where is the Macmillan nurse? Where is the Social worker? Am I to be left for the cancer to spread and die in the dark with the hollow promises and empty entitlements ringing in my ears? My family have had a shock and are trying desperately to cope with the extra expenses the sequence of events and the hollowness of what should take place to help make me well. Even as unimportant as I am to the world, to my family I do have importance and their feelings DO matter to me a lot, well overridingly all important to me. I know they could cope without me, I have over the years tried my best to make it clear that they should take comfort in where I will be and who I will be with if it happens and will also be keeping an eye on them as well. If that doesn't scare them (keeping an eye on them I mean) nothing will. Well folks for now that is it as it is only early morning and today has not yet got itself into gear yet so who knows what will happen?. .
I think what is most frustrating about having a painful condition like cancer is that, due to taking morphine you are totally reliant on other people. Not allowed to drive, so if your partner can't drive either you are stuffed because you do not have the money to spend on taxis and you are paying for a car you can't drive. The pain is restricting in itself never mind the additional costs of extras like trips to the hospital, doctors, chemists, and panty liners because the illness has rather unfortunate consequences. There you are stuck waiting for appointments to see an oncologist which seem to take forever, you are supposed to have a social worker, well I am still waiting for one, supposed to have a MacMillan nurse, still waiting for that, help with benefits, waiting for that, wait, wait, wait, wait thats all that seems to happen, patients wait, all the while scared to death that all the time the pain is getting worse and wondering is the condition going to spread while I am left to wait, wait, wait.
The pleasure of just picking up my keys to go off into the blue yonder have gone, no wonder people get depressed and fed up, the words that haunt you that you will be ok, you can fight this and recover by having a positive attitude loses its impetus because you keep waiting for promises to materialise. How long do we wait? Should I ring someone? Who will help me? When you get told someone will ring you back in15 minutes and doesn't I lose my rag and don't bother because I hate people doing that to me and it is hard enough keeping the pain at bay. I am desperate to go see Tango but I am at the mercy of getting a lift, has anyone felt the same frustration? God sometimes I just want to bury myself in the bedroom and cry myself silly and why the hell shouldn't I without the platitudes of oh don't do that, don't give up or in to it, as if I am not entitled to these feelings, well news just in YES I AM ENTITLED to. I admit death scares me, I love life and all it offers good or bad but I do envisage a happy after life with mummy and daddy, my family that left me all too quickly. I see a fabulous place with greenery, cottages, my family young, healthy and happy, surrounded by love, sunshine, children playing, animals passing by or in the fields welcoming a friendly stroke or pat and glorious home cooked food on the family table. Going to shows to see Morcombe and Wise, Freddie Mercury and many more. An after life of a dream come true, so what is it that scares me? Leaving behind my beloved husband, daughter, grandson, nieces and nephews, sisters, brothers, friends and so many people I adore and my beloved Tango and Oscar. Today and yesterday have been very painful so far and the gaps between my taking oramorph have been shorter to try to relieve it, oh well may be tomorrow the waiting may be over.........may be!
I am not being mean but please do not take this as a mean streak either, it was lovely to see all the people who visited me in hospital, Iwould have been lost without them, it was when i got home and an endless stream of visitors later I felt totally shattered and exhausted, I really loved to see each and everyone so I could give them hugs. I now feel a bit neglected and at a loose end and it is blooming boring, however it is nice to be able to feel grotty if I feel that way out as well. I am an addict I am sure I am, my slow release morphine has been increased twice I think but I still need the liquid stuff Oramorph and the gaps are getting shorter again. It is sweet, sticky and yuk like whisky or something awful like that. The pain is irritating and niggling in the background on a constant endless round and I am really fed up being this useless to man and beast. Roll on recovery after chemotherapy! I am going to make up this lost time with a vengence so there!
I forgot to say that the endoscopy was not as horrid as I was expecting in fact it was rather facinating, all the scans except the mri were, you see bits of you you never expected. I had an ultra sound and was riveted by it, I got to see my spine and all sorts, and the nice man who operated it told me what was what, half way through though the pain took over so I kind of lost it at that point, that was all about the organs etc. The second ultra sound with all the blood vessels etc was but this guy was a rude and ignorant fellow. I asked to see the screen and he totally ignored me and spoke to the student nurse instead! Pig ignorant, excuse me that is my body if you don't mind! I did get to see it though as well as hear all the blood pumping round...so cool. Before I fell asleep I saw my internal bits on the endoscopy screen and another nice man showed me my spine section, kidneys and a dark area that was wind, hehe somehow I expected that to be so much bigger, but I will not get course here. I can see why people get into being doctors, nurses and specialists etc, the body is amazing, complicated and very fascinating. Caring too I might add, two nurses phoned me to see how I was getting on isn't that kind? It is a funny old life because you kind of really miss the people and friends you make in hospital, there you are desperate to get home only to find yourself missing it like mad. You seem to bond with quite a few people in there very quickly. I was noted for my disappearing tricks though, every time they came to do obsevations I was not there, with the pain relief, I kept absconding to the outside world with my coffee to have a smoke. Those lifts from the third floor were a pain in the butt, I visited every floor every time whether I was going up or down. It did however lead to some mirth with other passengers. I adopted the role of ward clown and kept them either on their toes or giggling over something. I never lied if asked where I was going, if I wanted to smoke I told them. It was too dangerous to tell me not to because a) the amount of tax on a packet of ciggarettes in this country is obscene, b) that tax coming out of wages every week would cripple any wage packet so there, and that is where they would have to get it from. Added to which the tax on fuel for the car is obscene too can you imagine if everyone were asked to pay just my tax on cigs and fuel in a week out of thier wages? £40-£50 per week then multiply it by every smoker and driver in the country? Ha yes I am sure we would all like to see smokers and drivers stop smoking and driving the Government would crumble trying to find those levels of income from elsewhere, we are just sitting ducks for them. Europe and the level market? Don't make me laugh, not when the Government retain the right to bleed us dry for aid abroad, quangos, TVs (plasma) caviar etc, sickening when you think of it. So I do not like inflicting my smoke on those who don't smoke, but some non smokers could at least respect my right to do so if I wish, if they don't like it go back to the tax question. Not that I made my feelings known in no uncertain terms you understand but heaven help the one who gave me dirty looks or said anything.
Yesterday was a wipe out, too tired and in too much pain to even get dressed, disgusting! My doctor came to see me, and had increased the slow release morphine tablets. Bless this poor lady, honestly when I first got the pain it was indicitive of gastritis, it baffled me after a few weeks as I think I have been through virtually every other illness so far. It was such a sudden onslaught of pain it must have taken her by surprise to be fair. After taking last nights and this mornings dose I had a lot more energy to get up, shower and go for lunch in town, after that though had to go home felt a bit wibbly as my brother calls it. I so very much miss my Tango but I will get down there very soon and will keep the progress reports going. If any one else is suffering don't hesitate to comment because if I can help inn any way I would be glad to do so.
Well today I go for an endoscopy and am a bit nervous, however the worst of this is I cannot have anything to eat or drink for six hours. Now, I do not mind skipping food but any caffiene addict will tell you GO WITHOUT COFFEE? IMPOSSIBLE. That is cruel! I do hope to goodness I find out what or when the next steps are or am I better not knowing so I do not fret? Don't know all I really need to know is when can I get to see my fabulous girl? Getting out of a routine of going out of the house with a carrier bag full of prepared carrots, apples and pears, driving off with gay abandon, arriving happy as a lark and seeing her trusting face making her steady way over to me ready for her treats. Picking her feet out, brushing her, talking to her, usual stuff about how good and beautiful she is (surprised her head gets through the gate) but she is a modest old girl and not one bit conceited. Walking down the lane in the peace of it all, just the steady clopping of her feet beside me and a trusting eye by my shoulder, bliss, pure and utter bliss.
Well what a funny old life it is. 8 weeks ago I had horrid pains in my tummy, so I went to the doctor and it was thought to be gastritis, then the pain kept spreading, all the while I could not face food at all the sight of it made me feel sick and I was constipated (sorry but details are important here). 6 weeks later the pain became unbearable and I was sent to hospital. For two weeks I was a mystery and then came the scans, 2 ultra sounds, MRI, and CT. My lovely consultant told me I had a shadow on my pancreas. OOps, little cry what is it? Well he would not be drawn as this was not his area of expertise and there was to be a meeting between a lot of big people involved. Had to tell my family and that was what made me cry, they would panic. My husband who is Bi-polar, arthritic, diabetic and has unstable angina, now his rock was crumbling from the inside, my beautiful daughter whose smile lights up the world with sunshine, my gorgeous nieces Karen and Jo, my sisters after us just losing Daddy, my nephew bless him, oh dear. For a couple of days we hoped it would be a cyst, panreatitis etc. Then a nice smile from a really nice member of my consultants team told me likely cancer. A real brick in the face, during this I kept Penny informed as I was concerned about Tango and frustrated that every time I went home my pain relief was inadequate and ended up going back to hospital.
When I was told it was likely cancer I must admit I did expect it really, what I did not expect was straight after being told and informing everyone, was the phone call I got. After the panic of how to tell my family, I toddled down for a smoke outside, this was where I was sitting with a good friend I had made, the phone rang, I was told that I would have to think about selling, finding a home for Tango or even worse think about having her put down. I went back to the ward and sobbed my heart out, I'd just lost my dad who loved Tango, been told I'd got cancer now this. The loss of Pilgrim was earth shattering to lose Tango was the final kick while I was certainly at my very lowest I could be, but then our finanaces have been decimated by the idiots who think my husband is well and fit. The question that arises here though is why the hell was she on the yard for so long before I bought and paid for her? I know this girl cannot be ridden but otherwise she is fine, her gentle kindness is a real pleasure to be around and she so easy to fall in love with, Tango would be the perfect therapy horse if only I could get some land for her and get her suitable company.
The upshot of all this is folks, just before I left the hospital (with adequate pain relief) I got another phone call from Penny (to whom I am very grateful) to say, not to worry Tango will be ok and that she could not do it, so I guess Tango will be staying put, I sure hope so, I do understand that in this economic climate no-one can afford to spare anything these days, it is hard going just to pay bills, been there, done that all my life, had a comfy period and now back to tight belt again. I took my health for granted and nothing touched me, I had arthritis of the spine, osteoporosis, scolliosis and thought that painful, now it seems I am mortal and have been affected, but Lord there is so much I want to get done before I die (which will probably be when I am in my hundreds) let me at it for goodness sake.
It s with great sadness that I have to say that Julia has had to give up Tango and that she will now be going to a rescue centre for Horses to be looked after. Julia has just had a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer and has been in hosptal for 3 weeks. She has pain relief but is waiting for transfer to a specialist unit in Liverpool. If those of you who read the blog would be interested in reading about her progress please make a comment or add a story you think might help and I'll add the progress to this diary.
I remember taking Dad to see Tango, he was most impressed with her. My lovely friend Penny took some pictures of me stood near her head, I printed one off and put it in a frame for darling daddy. Dad kept that picture by the side of his chair at the home, according to his friends he kept looking at it. I do remember that whenever I went to see him he kept saying 'there is something about that horse, I think she and I would get on'. Tango was loved by dad and that was such an emotional thing for me. Dad was not really a horse person, nor did he ever say that about Pilgrim, he liked Pilgrim don't get me wrong, I guess Tangos gentleness shines out from her eyes and there is no question about it, dad was a gentle man. Dad passed away late Saturday 2nd of July and I could not get down to Tango for a while. I managed it for a short time yesterday and bless her heart she came over and we stood, her scrunching away down my ear and drooling, me talking and stroking her. She followed me everywhere when I went to check her water and things. God bless this gentle mare, I gave her dads love and a bag of goodies, but it was so hard to leave her. I now have dads picture that sat at the side of his chair and all I can hear are his words of recognition of her nature, if a non horsey man can see it I know I have not been wrong in my selection being with this compationate girl who gives me more in love than I can ever repay her, I will strive to the end to show her in any way I can just how loved she is.
I have started to read a book Not Quite A Horse Woman by Caroline Akrill, I have to say I was in fits of giggles from the word go with this one and it brought back some very vivid memories. Pilgrim had quite a palate and loved eating especially banana, cabbage etc not in vast quantities but enough to cause a slightly unfortunate problem. We were double long line lunging him and as I gave my friend the reins and stood outside the gate to watch, just as Pilgrim reached where I was standing his problem exploded with all the volume of a shotgun going off , only it continued a full circuit, by which time my friend and I were two heaps on the floor rolling around like idiots, Pilgrim bless him stood there totally puzzled by our antics. When the fog lifted and we were semi recovered we had a break before continuing.
I remember too, all the riding schools and instructors, oh boy, the 'heels down brigade' I later nicknamed them. Now I know there are fabulous schools and teachers/trainers and the horse world has really changed a lot, but in those days all I ever seemed to hear was HEELS DOWN, I never got beyond walking in endless circles doing nothing but getting shouted at. I was bored, the horse was SO bored its head was nearly dragging on the floor, horrid, horrid, horrid. As we moved around I would find a riding school to occupy my horse mad brain. I remember when I had moved to one area and had only had a few 'HEELS DOWN!' lessons, when asked if I had ridden before, naturally I said yes (I was only a child at the time) and was put on a hard mouthed pony. Off we went in a large group for a hack, hey this was fun, we came to a wooodland path and I was told to wait here. I tried honestly I did, everyone else galloped off in cloud of dust, the next thing my pony bolted 'I'm not getting left behind', there were no brakes and I had no experience of cantering never mind galloping. I was not hurt lying there in the dust so I got up only to get bellowed at for letting the pony go. Mum was fuming when I told her in floods of tears. If when they asked me they had said 'can you ride?' the answer would have been a lot different to 'have you ridden before?'. Well all I can say is it was a very valuable lesson allbeit a humiliating one, it stood me in good stead later in life. When I cameback to riding in my 53rd year I went to another of these heels down brigade stables but asked to go on a hack after endless boring walk and trot lessons, I was bolted with again, ha, easy peasy, stuck to the saddle like super glue, this time however the cob could not ignore her head being taken in a sideways direction with the inside rein and it took all the heat out of the run, she was stock still in minutes, (I kind of enjoyed it and felt sorry both the cob and myself as we had to stop because the young 'instructor' was scared of going beyond slow) that was self taught from the only other time it happened way back then.
I remember the first time out on a hack at somewhere different, I was actually asked if I would like to canter, good teacher, so plucking up every inch of courage I said yes, off we went. I actually enjoyed it after a few minutes, after that I was eager to canter at every opportunity. I even plucked up the courage to jump, this was the fun place where I learned more by just sheer enjoyment than by being bellowed at in dreary school with bored numb ponies that only pick up when they see a schooling whip. (I hate whips never mind the poor ponies and horses). If something can't be done through love, respect, kindness and fun then to me it is not worth doing, if that makes me an idiot then I am an idiot but a very happy and blissfully ignorant one thank you very much and the horses are very happy and blissfully ignorant ones too, because they never have shown me any harm. As an oldie now and seeing some really excellent studies into a horses nature and behaviour as well as the subtlties of their own language has given me renewed passion for being with them, learning how to handle them in a way that approximates their language without the horrific bellows of 'GIVE HER A SLAP, HARDER!' Never again will I ever let anyone persuade me to carry a flipping whip. I would never allow one near Pilgrim nor now near Tango, two kind horses that NEVER deserved to see one in the first place let alone get beaten by them. I sometimes wish I had the people who committed those crimes to my two loves because I would really like to repay them with interest and yes it would be an exception to my rule of never having a whip in my hand. I cannot help getting cross or angry, the results of what they did were so visible and will stay with them for life, the fear can subside with love and care but the memory is never truly erased.
Well I went down to see Tango despite being uncomfortable, because I could not bear being away any longer, I guess someone somewhere will relate to that, you love your horse so much you want to be with them 24/7. Anyway I took the camera in hopes to get some good pics and darn it, the blooming thing needed new batteries, typical, that will teach me to check it first! The three girls were near the top waiting in line for a drink, Cleo naturally first, she is the dominant one anyway then Foxy and Tango together, bosom buddies. When they saw me they came over Tango needed no encouragement but unfortunately Cleo was first in line again so Tango and Foxy had to wait until she had had her fuss and I backed Cleo off. I sat on the stile and a little nose appeared followed by another, the bosom buddies, so carrot in each hand I reached out behind me and both got a carrot at the same time, the scrunching by my ear was loud but fabulous as was the sniffing of my hair. I threw some over a distance away to distract Cleo, by the time that the girls had scrunched through their share Cleo was still busy looking for missed carrot. They stood for another stroke and fuss then ambled towards some shade but Cleo had missed a bit of carrot and Tango was hoovering it up and scrunching quite happily when I left. That girl is as sharp as a tack and nothing gets by her at all and yet for one so intelligent and quick off the mark she is so gentle and kind. When horses came into my life I could not believe how lucky we as humans are to ever have them as our soul mates. They do put up with so much from us and those who love them as individuals may well appreciate what an honour it is to be loved back by them.
This not a moan people I promise, have you ever been in enough pain you don't know where to put yourself or what you can do other than wish you were finished or extinguished? I know my mother must have felt like that for years, every bone in her body riddled with rhumetoid arthritis, it was especially cruel for someone who kept active and had a very intelligent brain, since her passing dad gave up really, I have tried everything to keep him interested. I took him in his wheelcahir with oxygen down to Staroak to see our Tango, I think he was very impressed with her. One of the photographs Penny took of me with tango, I put in a frame and put it on his side table, he seems to love it. Dad keeps saying there is something in her face he really loves. That was qite a remark for someone who has never really been a horse person. Intuition plays a huge part in whether someone be it human or animal, that tells us whether we are compatible, I feel it happened with Pil and it sure has with Tango, I feel they both had the X factor character wise.
I am convinced that Tango would be an ideal candidate for therapy for people and make an excellent job of it. What do I do? Should I go on an EAGALA course? Then find somewhere private to keep her? I could not keep her on her own that would not be fair to her, it would entail looking for a rescue with a similar nature. Without adequate funds the whole thing scares me to death but I feel desperate to set this up here in Wales. It is lovely that there are places in England but the travel for our own is prohibitive and in Liverpool they concentrate on the youths from their own area so there are no spaces for others. We too have people serving in the forces, emergency services and an awful lot of people with psychological problems. Those in terrible pain who become depressed need some form of help to forget or at least focus for a little while on something beautiful. Why should I alone enjoy such a privilege with such a horse? Her personality should be seen and enjoyed by others who would benefit. I feel so honoured and just not worthy compared to Tango but could not cope without her. As I have mentioned before, a flight animal whose natural instinct is fear and run to actually wordlessly give its trust to really scary humans is a privilege indeed it must NEVER be abused in any way. To gain trust and respect it MUST be earned, to use abuse just creates obedience through fear and hatred, as well as flight at the first opportunity. We are alive fora short while on this earth why make it intollerable for others and miserable for the self? There is great pleasure in chilling out, taking time and being rewarded through generousity and life is much nicer for all.
My parents NEVER used violence and yet I respected them and loved them, they had rules and they got broken on the odd ocassion but we were punished by the withdrawl of something nice or just a telling off was enough. They were kind and patient and took time to teach us good manners of which I am proud. they worked hard, didn't have much money but boy what a lucky happy family. One thing stands out in those teachings TREAT OTHERS AS YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED to me that includes any species. Follow rules by all means but mistakes are made allow them but by using intelligence you can engender obedience with kindness rather than brutality, it works so much better because the person or species tries harder for the kind person than the brutal one. This is from personal experience as well as watching good horsemen and women in action. One lady to came to asisst me with Pilgrim could get him to jump through hoops with her good ways, maybe I lacked enough knowledge at that timebut, through watching this lady and seeing Pilgrims progress it was something to behold. Whatever anyones opinion of this trainer is this and that trainer is that, I do not get into arguements about who is the better or more honest and nit picking over personalities, I am not interested in silly squabbles, what does interest me is how the horse reacts, what is best for the horse and what suits my nature. I know my nature and have come to terms with the fact I DO NOT want to change it, if I can be kind I will pick that path EVERY time. I like the methods of Kelly Marks and Monty that is the way that suits me and seems to prove to suit the horses I have had. Brutality or negelct certainly did not suit them and made them remedial. Tango was a little poll shy to start, now you would not believe she ever was. I do not propose that every one do this or follow this path at all, I am not into dictatorship or advisory, I would just like people to think, 'WELL, HOW WOULD I FEEL IF SOMEONE DID THAT TO ME?
Woke up this morning about 5.45 am in agony, tummy still not right and my back was murderous, if only I had a gun I would have finished it there and then, I just felt I could not take any more of it. Blast, I forced myself to lie there until 7 ish, got up used the tens machine, had a coffee and took pain killers, then the tummy struck with a vengence, by the time hubby came in I burst into floods of tears. How damned annoying, there are people out there in far worse state than me how dare I? I fed the fish then fed Oscar our famous cat (and a Diva to boot). Chopped up a load of carrots, some apples and a couple of pears, soon be time to see my beloved girl Tango........to be continued when I return from visiting her..........
Well back now, when I went into her field she was way down the other end, a couple of calls and a small walk just a few feet , I turned sideways when I saw her look up and averted my eyes, a quick flick of the eyes told me she was on her way so I turned my back and edged forward a few steps, then waited, sure enough there came her nose to my left arm . Slowly I turned my body towards her right side with my eyes down cast, then pulled a carrot out talking quietly to her. I got her halter on slowly and gently then off we went. Unbeknown to me the others came to join us ohoh escape committee! So it was a delicate operation going out of the gate without the others sneaking around us. Phew made it, us on the outside them stuck inside, what a relief. Tango and I sauntered off to do our usual. I am so very proud of this girl, Georgia came over to see her and said how well she has filled out now, I notice her coat has a sheen to it now and she looks every inch a thoroughbred and stunning. It isn't her looks that do it though she is a beauty, it is her generousity, gentleness, kindness and she is a giver all the way down the line. I know in her past she came third in two races, it may not be stardom to some people but do you know what? I found statistics that claim that 43% of race horses have some damage to tendons before fully adult, I have read of nose bleeds, been told of lungs bursting and all sorts of horror stories, then there are whips (hate them). The lust for money has led to so many needing rescuing, my girl included, her 2 third places are amazing to me because I would bet any thing you like, she gave her all and tried like mad to do her utmost. That is why Tango is the most beautiful horse in the world, I loved Pilgrim with all my heart, but this girl IS my heart. I am sorry if this offends those in the racing fraternity, there are those who really care about their horses and treat them well, it is not those people I include within any form of dislike at all. ANYONE who cares for their horses have my blessings and grateful thanks whatever their sport of choice.
What a glorious day, very sunny and warm, I had prepared Tangos apples, pears and carrots and was itching to get to her. I parked my car, got her bag out and went to get her halter and lead rope as well as the key for her gate and set off. To be honest I sauntered up the lane as it was such a glorious day. Tango was part way down the field so I called out to her, her head raised then dropped again so, I called out 'come on lass' as her head came up I half turned to invite her over, and over she came so I turned my back towards her and waited till her nose touched my side.
We did our ususual sauntering towards the yard with a graze her and there on the way down. After grooming and feet picking as well as filling a tummy with carrots, pears and apples, we headed back, very slowly with her selecting nice tasty bits of grass. What took me completely by surprise was, she headed straight for a drink and then came straight back to me and stood by my side, so extra fuss and talking gently to her until the boss mare got in our way, Tango shot off, only to come round the back of this mare to return to me again, so there we stood her nodding a sleepy nod as I massaged her poll and talked low and quiet to her. It was the most amazing session I think I have ever had with this beauty. To have had the love and trust of Pilgrim was a miracle but to have it with Tango now as well is pretty mind blowing. Ok so I cried with pure joy, I am and have been honoured, humbled and amazed by the tust animals have shown me, but these horses, so gentle, so kind telling me in the only way they can that they feel something akin to how I feel for them blows me away. I wish I could surround myself with horses all day every day. I have tried my very best to show them that I trust and love them and would never use a whip, never use harshness in my handling of them, indeed using the methods shown to me by gentle horsemanship using the horses own language, from experience of using it I can say it obviously works. The kind of horse that attracts me the most are the ones whose eyes seem to speak to me, even though I love them all. It appears to me to be those that have had a history of some form of abuse, their eyes seem to tell it all somehow.
When I arrived at Tangos field this morning, Tango was a dot in the distance. I had no sooner started to scale the stile when the dot started moving, I'm glad to say I had my camera ready on video mode.( I have put the video on my facebook wall) She came straight over to me, I was thrilled to say the least. That long easy swinging stride of a thoroughbred eating the distance up as if it were nothing. She is poetry in motion, as it was windy she occassionally swung her head to make sure she was safe. My God she is beautiful, just watching her walking along is fabulous. Once groomed, feet picked out and her tummy full of carrots, apples and pears, back we went, I made sure the water trough was full and stood watching the three of them in the field. There can be no doubt that Tango and Georgias pony have a very close bond, as Tangos best friend spooked Tango walked with her almost as if to say 'its ok I'm here, relax'. As for the dominant mare Tango keeps well clear should she get too close for comfort. Absolute bliss, birds singing away, the trees swaying in the breeze, the beauty of the horses in the fields, a whinny from some of them in neighboring fields, there is a small hole in one hedge and sometimes I get a glimpse of a couple of the geldings who stand and watch me watching them, I have to say the boys are rather handsome appaloosas indeed. One of them has ink coloured muzzle, under his cheeks and around his his eyes, making him look as if someone has given him a make over to accentuate his eyes, very handsome with his grey coat. This place should be bottled and sold as the best stress buster ever, they would make a fortune.
OHHHHH KAAAAY, so they say horses are unpredictable, hmmm. Climbed into Tangos field and the three reprobates were half way down the field. Tango looked at me and stuck her head straight down again...FOOD preoccupying her totally. So I went over to her water trough and totally pretended she was not there, as I half turned I caught a glimpse of her making her way over, her head lowered and striding with a purpose in a half circular route towards me. I turned with my back fully towards her and she was soon at my side, bless this little love, honestly I have never known (Other than Pilgrim) such sweetness. She is patient too, at one time she was quite nervous when anything went near her poll ( a place near the back of the ears ), now she is so chilled out about it. I wonder if in her retirement she is begining to realise that life is good for her and that these puny humans actually love her to bits. There is no doubt about one thing, she really loves her carrots, apples and pears she gets when I groom and pick her feet out. She is never pushy and bargy, it is just funny watching her neck stretch and her lips wriggle in anticipation every time she hears the rustle of a carrier bag. I may be spoiling her but with her past I don't care, so long as she is healthy, happy and fit. If I could rescue other horses from bad situations I would do no less for them and show them the nicer side of life with humans who love them, have respect for their individuality and enjoy contact with them at every given opportunity.
I had taken her back and just as we reached her gate I met the lovely lady who tried to help with rounding the escapees up, the embarassing time Cleo and her friend escaped, anyway we got into conversation and I mentioned I fancied going riding for the disabled. Lo and behold this lovely lady said she took her daughter to a really nice place and would I like to go and see it with her? How kind is that? I am constantly amazed at the kind generosity of people, it just goes to show that in this world one should never despair as I once did, I had my fair share of being trodden on and walked all over, now look, my family, Staroak Stud and everyone there, this lovely lady, it really is something to thank my lucky stars for. Is it Mum still looking after me? Whatever has the influence up there I am so very grateful and really appreciate such kind heartedness. As I reflect on the conversation of our chat, when I was asked about Tango and explained she could not be ridden I likened having her as having an overgrown puppy. I know it is not the nicest analogy in the world for such equine perfection, but she comes to me like one, she leads like one (a very well trained one I might add), she is groomed and fussed like one and if I could sit her on my knee and hug her I would probably do that as well! My love for her is so great and her gentle nature deserves it all.
Yahoo, at last after 9 days away from Staroak and my beloved Tango, I went to see her. For a horrendous time in agony it was such a relief to be where I feel relaxed and happy spending time with the most beautiful horse in the whole wide world. I adore this gentle mare who has not a bad bone in her body every inch of her is affectionate and gentle. Peace is all around and just gazing over the field to see her is bliss. When I arrived she was laying down and nodding so I just hung over the style as I went in to undo the padlock, she got up and hovvered close but the coming over has faltered somewhat, I'm not too worried it won't be long before it is back, this girl will know it is time for fuss and treats pdq (pretty darned quick). We went back to the yard and boy had she ever been rolling around, one very mud caked lass. So it was carrot, brush, apple brush and so on. I must have touched a ticklish spot a bit too lightly because she stamped her foot, woops, at least she didn't kick out, bless her. Good as gold picking her feet out and she has it taped to a T, by golly she can lift those feet really high, I hardly have to bend at all she is a gem. It just seems to go too quick for me, in what seems no time at all, we wander slowly back to the field. I let her go with a farewell fuss and go and check the water levels, then go to tidy the yard. I adore being there, I love being with Penny, Peter and Georgia and all the girls, it is a shame that my days have changed as I will miss the others over the weekends. It is too late at this time to put Tango in foal but next year fingers crossed, I think she will be a fabulous mum and would hope her progeny will carry her gorgeous nature. She is a real star. .
I did ask for a prognosis from Dr McHottie but again silence, is he afraid to tell me? If so why? Oh well when I went into the hospice I asked the doctor there a lovely lady called Dinah. She asked me if I was sure I wanted to know so of course I said yes, it turns out I have weeks rather than months. Hmmm I have a special event to look forward to that it seems I won't make....gutted. Without the horse riding I was getting a bit low. Yesterday saw me back in the saddle and all of a sudden life looks grand again and I am determined to fight towards my special event, SO THERE.
I have been to see Carl and Storm at Pennant Park and great news...work has started on the indoor school I could not be more thrilled, Carl sent flowers to Kassidy's in Holywell for their collecting and support. There is a raffle for the school being held at Temptations in Flint so we took flowers there too. Chris and Si from Kassidy's came to our house last night and brought an enormous bouquet of gorgeous flowers and two dishes of his delicious spag bol , oh yummy. I cannot get over how wonderful our friends are and believe me I feel honoured to be able to call them friends. Life has shown me just how amazing some people really are and I just want to keep going, can you blame me, a wonderful husband, daughter, son, nieces, nephews and my friends I am just the luckiest person EVER. Cancer throws some rough deals up for people and no one persons symptoms are the same, I have tried to be honest with mine and tell it like it is. It is not easy BUT I do believe by keeping your hand in with life that is going on all around and finding something fun to focus on, positivity will make it so much easier and nicer for those around you, it builds happier memories for them because do not forget they are suffering too. They have to carry on when we are no longer here and that must be a bitter pill to swallow and moping just makes it worse for them, try to think of those close to you as well as yourself.
What a horrid week last week (about two weeks after the wedding), I had to have my dear old faithful friend Oscar down. I stayed with him giving him kisses and love, it broke my heart and the house seemed so empty and hollow. He was such a loyal and faithful friend, goodbye Oscar for now my old boy and see you when my time comes.
On a brighter note the fund raising seems to be going steady now so with any luck we will get our equipment for RDA cert at some point in the near future fingers crossed. I am donating any profit from my book Hello my name is Cancer to the cause as well. Kassidys our tea room in Holywell have been exceptionally kind and have raised quite a bit, God bless them one and all.
My riding is improving a fair bit now and with this cancer being slow growing I might just make it to where I would like to be with it all, so that also is great news for me personally. I have such fun when riding all my cares float away and all that is there is the horse underneath.....bliss. Oh and my daughter and her husband are as happy as can be so that also is fab news let us pray there will be even more news on that front....a perfect life. Back to horses again and I have the chance of doing a stable management course but it is a dilema. I want to do it but my health and speed are not really up to it well at least that is what my head is telling me, I wish this opportunity had arisen years ago I would never have hesitated at all, in fact I would have snatched their hand off..
Well I still have not come off the cloud I was on on the wedding day, the best day in many years since our wedding and the birth of our daughter. Anyway at the moment the cancer is rearing its ugly head at the moment, it won't let me walk far or stand for any time, so maybe it is time to give it a slap on the wrists by taking the chemo tablets. Being the coward I am, the thought of feeling or being sick scares me, I still cry for mum when I am sick and I don't care if anyone laughs at me for it, we all have our weeknesses so blooming there, and ya boo sucks. Can't wait for the honeymoon pictures now, it seems they are being spoilt rotten and enjoying themselves no end as I sit here jealously wishing for a holiday in the heat of some exotic and romantic place. No really I am glad they are enjoying it and being spoilt, they more than deserve to. This couple, both of them work very hard and because of their generous, thoughtful, considerate, forgiving, loving and trusting natures they are so popular, that was supported by the amount and sheer numbers of work colleagues and friends who wanted to wish them both well, I am so very proud of them.
Our Saffi the Degu has now chewed through her fourth ball and escaped through the one she completed this morning, so here we go again, shut the front room door, . only this time I left the little monkey alone as I had the rats on the sofa I watched her running under tables, chairs and then saunter here there and every where as she realised I wasn't chasing her. She finally settled on top of a bottle of sand and studied me. Still no move to chase her, she must have wondered what was going on. She eventually climbed the rats cage, dropped down into one of her babies balls and waited til I lifted her up to the cage. In future that is the way to go, let her capture herself and she can have the freedom of the frontroom and kitchen. I think the babies can stay in the balls for now until they start copying mum. Just goes to show that they are far more intelligent than we give them credit, all the times I have panicked when she was loose and all I needed to do was trust her to get back when she wanted to. The other day I passed them some kitchen roll to tear up, the results were hilarious, one baby wanted it to go up top in the cage and Saffi wanted it down in the house on ground level, I have not laughed so much in a very long time, the kitchen roll was getting snagged causing a near riot between all three degus, what entertainment. All my pets and their natures and characters bring light, laughter and such fun I could not be without them, I adore them all, even Amy the rat is calming down a bit and not biting much now in fact she looks forward to free time as much as the others do and now she only tests the skin not bite, she really is becoming a sweetie....give her time...she stuck her nose right down my ear the other day, I thought it sweet.. .
Oh what a superb day yesterday, it could not have been more perfect, the sun shone and the happy excitement was building for the most glorious of days ever. After having hair dos done and make up on, it was time for my daughter the bride to be dressed. WOW she looked so stunning, my baby girl getting married AND I MADE IT! The whole day was one of fairy tales indeed and we have a son anyone would be proud of, everyone knows how proud of my daughter I am, honestly her husband is just the kind of person anyone would want for thier very loved princess of a daughter. To say I am happy is a vast under statement, how could I be so very lucky for so long? My husband has been the best, my daughter the best, my son the best, my parents the best, sisters, brother nieces, nephew all my family in fact. I could not believe the church being full to bursting, the wedding breakfast and the night do, so many people, my two children must be exceedingly popular. I really was so proud of Yvonne and Ugo and my darling husband. The saying ' My cup runneth over' has never been more true in my case, it is unbelievable. I wish everyone could experience this amount of luck and love, it is mind blowing.
Well my book is now up for sale and the profits go to getting equipment for the diabled riding at Pennant Park Riding Centre. I honestly didn't think this would happen either but it has. The book is to give those with cancer or any problem really a perspective from a terminal persons point of view and hopefully help someone somewhere to see that the picture is not all black. Or at least give someone the hope of finding the joy in living while ever we are alive at least. I do understand the pain and suffering others maybe going through is an individual thing and no one but they truly know how things are for them, like all problems they are unique to the individual and I cannot claim to know what they are going through it is impossible for anyone to do that, I just would like anyone suffering to know they are not alone in the suffering. I saw my daughter married yesterday but will be around for any grandchildren? I would hate to miss out on such a glorious event like that, so that in its self is a suffering to me because I want to be there every step of the way for my daughter and her husband. Having lost my parents I still suffer over their passing because I loved them so much. Suffering takes all sorts of forms not one is better or worse than another....IT IS JUST DIFFERENT....and not less suffering for being different. I wish all that are suffering happiness and love to relieve their problems.
I have had the stent put in and I no longer look like Marge Simpson....hooray and in time for next Saturday when our daughter gets married too! Gosh I have been so lucky that so many good things have happened, the diagnosis was not the best news I could have heard but just look at the care, my family, the wedding and I have been blessed. Thiking about things I realised I was born in 56 and I am 56yo I was born under the sign of cancer and I've got cancer how very odd. I am happy though I have made it over a year, had excellent care, my daughtersmarriage is to a great man and my husband is pretty darned good too and then my sisters, nieces and nephew, horses and riding that I am still able to do, so all in all I am lucky and happy.
Great news I am due to have my operation to have the stent put in on Tuesday, what a relief, I will not be yellow or orange for my daughters wedding in less than two weeks. I may not be able to go riding this week on Friday though...groan, I will miss it very much but at last I might feel so much better in myself. I stroked a snake a young boa, wow it was so gorgeous and felt just like silk, and I really was tempted to take it home, I just don't think the girls would be very happy. Another week and I can take the male Degu babies out safely and take them to the shop, Saffi might get some peace. I had a great two hour hack on Friday, lots of cantering on a new horse called Monty, he was lovely to ride, he liked his mouth being left alone which suited me, I could just feel him through the reins without interfering with it so we got on quite well, he had nice paces but the saddle was a bit too frim for me, I had a sore bottom next day. It is fun riding different horses when I am not on a dressage lesson.
Here's hoping after the operation the tummy aches and diving to the toilet will stop and I can feel reasonably normal again. The wedding day promises to be a very long day so I need all the wellness I can muster for that, I am NOT going to squelch my beautiful daughter and lovely Ugos' wedding come what may. I love the two of them so very much and I am very proud of the kind of people they are. I am very, very lucky.
My book is almost ready to publish all that remains is to ensure the price does not go silly just because it has photos in. I want it to be a reasonable price so I can donate to the Pennant Park Wishes fund.
Well I am so happy to report that some very good friends have supported the funding for Pennant Park wishes which is so kind of them, we will have an Riding for the Disabled closer to home and hopefully one that does not require going on a waiting list and is off every school holiday. If you do not ride for six weeks how is anyone going to train for the paralympics? If a school is serious about training the disabled a constant programme is needed which is why Pennant Park is so very important. The instructors are so good at training people and horses and really care as well as being passionate about what they do. The horses are all happy and healthy and the customers are delighted to find this school and become regulars.
Health has been a little squiffy, i have been jaundiced for a couple of weeks now, have had an ultra sound scan to see if I am SUITABLE for a stent, great stuff, meanwhile I get stomach aches, diahorea, and feel tired a lot, I just wish they would ruddy well get on with it, being poorly annoys me there is too much to stuff into my life for goodness sake, my dressage, my daughters wedding...imagine going to her wedding coloured ORANGE ...really! 'snot good enough. The baby Degus are hilarious and am enjoying them no end. They are used to crawling all over my hand when I put it in very gently and leave it there. They are three weeks old today, I will be very sad to see the males go but they have to so that is that, still at least Saffi can keep her daughters for company which should help her and them.
Whoopee good news, the fund raising for Riding for the Disabled fund for Pennant Park has kicked off at last, I am thrilled to bits this area needs it and it might just happen before anything happens to me. I saw the oncologist on Thursday and they are going to put a stent in to drain my liver. I wish I knew what is going on in my body. Has the cancer spread? How long have I got before my health takes a real nose dive? If I had some idea I could real get a crack on with the riding while I am still able. Will they start to persuade me to take chemo tablets? I think I would rather know these things so I can plan around it all, never mind at least thanks to my husband we have the fund raising off the ground, not by a big amount but it is gratefully received and twenty thousand pounds target is not an unobtainable amount I'm sure we will make it.
Well no wonder I cannot stay away from the loo, and no wonder I look terrible. yesterday I thought it may have been the light, today I knew for sure............I look yellow, popped to the doctor and I have yellow jaundice. I did not know this but it is part of having pancreatic cancer, and a stent may be put in to drain the bile duct, great another procedure, still it is only through a tube this time if they can do it. So far it is diarrhoea has been the worst part and tummy ache that comes with it of course. Anyway I will find out on Thursday as I go to see my oncologist, so we will see what he has to say. I may just feel tons better if they do the procedure, heres hoping anyway. Our baby Degus are getting cuter by the minute, climbing the cage bars, falling into mums food dishes, getting flung from her wheel when she wants to have a gallop, such fun watching these tiny creatures, boy can they make a real noise, clamouring for mum, I have never seen such sweet little things before, absolutely gorgeous, it is going to be so hard to part with them.
Well what a morning this morning, unbelievable. Got up, took two rats out to play and I kept hearing strange sounds but could not work out from where, took the next two rats out, very strange noises, so looked in Saffi s cage let her out into her ball and spied the nest she had made moving, my god she has had babies! One baby came out of the nest and was a tiny replica of mum, gorgeous. We adopted her just over a month ago and it seems they have a 90 day gestation period so no one knew or suspected anything, when she started to look like a football a few days ago I thought I was a bad owner letting her get fat. What a delightful surprise and she is proving to be a very good mum. It is also a relief to see her happy, fit and chirpy and back to a normal size again. Degus are clever and such gentle and sweet characters, so loveable. Saffi is of course the best ever love her to bits from a very thrilled grandma.
Now I am feeling fed up and annoyed, my tummy ahes nearly all the time and I have NO patience being ill or feeling off colour. There is life out there, there are horses out there, dressage to be learned and practice, why can't I be fit enough or afford a good dressage horse? Is it silly to dream of the next para-olympics? Am I over reaching? Day dreaming? I just wish I had stayed with horses from my younger days. I rode a good horse last saturday that responded to the aides and to FEEL where it goes right is incredible, now that is the kind of horse I would give my eye teeth for, one whose basic traing has been started correctly. As lovely and giving as riding school horses are, it is very unusual to come across ones with good dressage basics.
It is sad at the moment as the RDA is not back until September, still I had a two hour hack at Pennant Park. Due to feeling too poorly for my last lesson and no RDA my dressage training seems to have come to a halt, right must get a lesson booked a.s.a.p. As I watched Zara Philips on her dressage phase of the three day eventing I would have given my right arm to have a horse like that to ride. Yes I did spot a couple of flaws during transitions, still the performance was still pleasing to watch and having ridden horses and ponies of riding schools that can make dressage something of a challenge some much more than others, how nice would it be to ride a dressage trained horse, unspoilt by novice riders? Wow do I ever spend a lot of my time daydreaming or what? Never mind I am sure I read somewhere that daydreamers are healthier and happier, can't vouch for the former but certainly can the latter.
I can eat without feeling sick....YIPEE and guess what? I am back on the chocolate, I ate my dinner, my sweet and then managed two fingers of fudge as well, I have been eating a pack of six fingers of fudge straight after my meals for days now, what a little piggy. That 10lb I carelessly lost ......... I may just find it again now. My book may be published within a few weeks now, even if it is not the best ever written at least the photos of the animals should be great. The rats stole a whole Wagon Wheel from my husband before he fully unwrapped it, by gum they are so fast and strong when they want something, little tinkers. The Degu has learned that if she gets up enough speed to smash her exercise ball against doors or walls she can crack it open to escape so I spend a lot of the time crawling on my hands and knees calling Saffi with one of her treats in my hands. She is so cheeky though, she just saunters in front of me to go under the table, she knows she can beat me in a speed contest, crafty little monkey. Honestly rats and Degus are fabulous pets, one rat sees us as just bigger rats that need her constant washing, so licks us non stop. Saffi must feel we are just big Degus because she just grooms us at every opportunity. These creatures give us so much fun, laughter and affection I don't see how anyone could dislike or be scared of them, like all animals they respond to being handled and cared for with love, respect and being well cared for.
I know it has been a while again, to be honest not much has happened, here are the up dates so far and one very tragic piece of news. I have been prescribed something called Megace which has taken the sick feeling away when faced with food, so that is very good. For the first time in a year I am able to eat a meal, a sweet and then chocolate if I am in the mood, great stuff, thank you Dr. Garcia. Last weighed myself at 7st 7lb but am hoping to put some on now I am eating a bit better.
The very sad and tragic news is that someone we regard as part of our family has lost thier daughter-in-law, she was such a lovely girl only 38 with a husband and two young children. It came as an awful shock as she had come through a marrow transplant and seemed to be getting better. It was not the cancer that took her, it seems she had a heart attack. I cannot tell you what a bombshell this news has been. So young, so lovely, kind and a good mother and wife, how big a gap she will have left for all those who loved and knew her, my heart bleeds for them. Her husband and children oh God it just seems so unfair and cruel to a lovely young family. I hope my prayers will be heard.
Well after a healing session yesterday I feel much happier, to be honest I never like going to see the oncologist, don't get me wrong they are very nice people and kind, it just depresses me. It brings it home, the fact I have cancer and no idea how long I have. All I want to do is keep on doing what I enjoy doing, trouble with that is I need to see the oncologists for updates and to let them know how I am. This last visit was handy because I have no feelings of hunger and food makes me feel sick, I was given some more tablets to make me hungry I suppose it will take a while to work so I have to be patient. I went riding yesterday boy it was hard work with that little horse, she loved drifting into the middle of the arena for some reason. Still made me work on my aides, and it is always good to try different horses with very different personalities, but I came back feeling shattered. I really enjoyed it and I now know what to work on, getting my leg yields right and how to pass the whip from one hand to the other correctly (I hate those flipping things, and only really carry them for show), I prefer to get my aides right and get the horse to go willingly but I do not have the strength sometimes, I mean really 7st 9lb versus half a ton, no contest. So if just by carrying a whip makes a difference I am in no position to argue really. Some horses go nicely and some have ideas of what they want to do they are just like us in being thier own horse.
Boy did I get a nasty shock on Thursday when I saw the oncolgist, he asked if I had been weighed, so I was taken off to the scales, oh lord I wish I hadn't I know I'm down a bit but I now know I weigh 7 st 9lbs. I have not been that small since my teens and ealy teens at that. So everyone jumps in with eat this and that between meals eat this and that often, I wish they could feel how I feel when faced with food they may just hesitate a bit before wading in with the advice. Still I supose I had better try I need to be around for my daughter and future son in laws wedding. She is marrying a great young man and he is like a son to us, which is fantastic. There is of course the energy for riding too, if I want to keep it going I had at least better try my best. Ho hum it is hard been trying it for two days now and I can honestly say it is not easy at all, however I'm going to keep trying....wish me luck!
Well I am over the blues now so glad I hate these sessions when there is no earthly reason for it, it just happens out of the blue. Bernie one of my rats just loves to lick me and it tickles and makes me laugh, Saffie the little degu licks and nibbles which is grooming and is a sign of bonding. Well I put Saffi in her exercise ball this morning and off she went at 100 mph and clattered around the hall. For some reason everything wen quiet and it took a few minutes to realise why, then my husband spotted her and pointed, so I had to go on hands and knees calling her name. Like any puppy over she came so I could encircle her with my arms and slowly but surely scoop her up. I can say with all honesty that degus are so sweet, gentle and ideal pets, just like my rats but even more gentle. I wish I had discovered this a long time ago, I did have a hamster once but no rats or degus. Still we have them now and they are fantastic fun, I love them to bits.
Woke up this morning very down in the dumps, it took very little for me to burst into tears, I do not understand it, I should be very happy what is the matter with me? Bernie one of my lovely rats, sat on her haunches licking my tears and my lips as if to say I'm loved. Ok so I may be fantasising here but she did sit licking me bless her, no matter the reason why (salt water may be) it was still very sweet of her and my lips (salt there?), I just know my pets are very sweet natured and I love them. I must admit I never knew rats licked like puppies until now. My 200 mph Degu Saffi has been very sweet but once in the ball very funny a bounce on her back legs sends her shooting off like a bullet almost tipping her heels over head.. I would love to have my own horse again I miss it very badly and a ride today would have been perfect medicine to cure the weepies. Well to cheer myself up I am going to see if I can find a show jacket on tinter web that might just do the job or look for a huge cage for Saffi so I can beg for another Degu to keep Saffi happy. Cheerio for now, I will come back in a happier frame of mind I am sure.
Hahahahheeee oh I didn't tell you this story did I? There is a lady who goes into a coffe shop that we go to quite often, usually she is accompanied by another lady and they have a baby in a pram. Well it is very rare to see a baby all dressed in hand knitted wear not only the clothes but blankets and things, while it is lovely to see such crafts have not died out I could not help but wonder if the baby had not knitted the baby as well. So every time I see the lady I involuntary say 'oh its knitted baby lady'. I promise I do not mean it in any nasty way, its just the rareity of seeing such an amount of hand knitting in one pram.
The Degu Saffi has taken to the rats old excercise ball (that they would not entertain) like a duck to water, it is hilarious to watch and listen to, she squeeks before setting off. Once she gets the ball going she is the equivalent of The Stig 200 miles an hour and God help you if you are walking in the hall way, you are likely to get mown down. Her cornering needs brushing up though judging by the bangs, crashes and whallops. By jiminy she does poop a lot, how does something so small produce so much in a ten minute session? I thoroughly cleaned her cage, by the end of the day you would never have believed I had, I've known cleaner horses, dogs, cats and rats. She is very adorable though and fits in very well bless her.
Well what a turn up, who would have thought it? The dressage I mentioned yesterday? Well I got a first in my class and have the red rosette and my test sheet as well, which is great because I know what to work on. This is possibly the biggest surprise of my life so now I am addicted to dressage this must not be my first and last I must do one again at some stage. I did have a good pony and one I am used to so I guess I was lucky really,for a firt time ever in a competition, thanks to the pony and my instructors at The Special Riding Centre near Wrexham, I got my first. I did start off nervous but once George got moving I soon settled down now for those who are putting off your dreams please do not try to keep doing that you never know how good things can turn out and you may just surprise yourself, give them a go. I know I need a lot of work to go into big serious stuff but I am going to try to do it for the sake of my dreams.
Life can be quite good, and good things can happen more than bad things, take heart tomorrow may be the best yet. I know I have had a longish time now where I have felt quite well, which is amazing in its self. I have been having so much fun it is hard to believe there is anything wrong with me at all. My diet isn't fantastic but it is not too bad at least I can face food again. I have gone down to a size ten now but heyho no matter. I am going to keep going with horses and one day ride western style. I just want my book to do well so that it can help adults with terminal illness acheive a dream come true, we shall just have to see, even if it helped someone to cope with any illness it will not have been a waste. One person is no less important than anyone else..
Ok so I have been missing for a while but hey ho here I am again. Two weeks ago I was told I was entered into a fun dressage test, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN, HOW? Oh no I'll NEVER be able to do it, one weeks practice? You are joking right? No you'll be fine, oh haha thinks I, so off I go hunting high and low for a white shirt, guess what? I only fit into a fifteen year old shirt! Crazy huh. Well I have learned the test now what horse will I ride? The horse they gave me last week was a nightmare it had one no two paces dead slow or stop, for some reason it did not like the right hand side of the arena either, no way I will not ride him in a test however fun it is, it can't be fun when you get no responses to your aids at all .Aside from this no problem. Anyway at Carls I am working hard at my canter and having great fun. Oh someone thanked me for expressing my view on personal problems because it made them feel better, I really was a bit blown away by that, it is only how I see it and as I said to someone once I can only be me, I am so glad they feel better but it is more likely they recognised their own worth in the world. I may have said this a thousand times but I don't care, 'if you do no harm to others you are worth your place in life and should be proud of it' Love is like skimming stones spread the ripples as far and wide as possible, doesn't it make life more pleasant and worthwhile?
I love this life, A young lady who we have contact with in America, we actually met in Chester last weekend and from e-mails you are always a little bit reserved just in case, but no such need she was a purely delightful person and I am so glad to have met her. She was as we thought she was an absolute sweetheart. It got me to thinking of others We have contact with all over the world, Ilil who is helping me to turn this into a book, James who I have trusted in from the start, Victoria, Pauline, Larry and many others who have been so very kind to me, I would dearly love to meet. I know many people in our own area who have and still are absolute loves, there is Lis a very dear and kind friend who ran me to hospital a lot, Katie, Julie and Julia, Chris and Si, Sheryl, Carl and Storm and little Eden. It is hard to say just how many lovely, nice, kind and generous people we have and have not met that the list would fill a chapter on its own. I have an overwhelming wish to meet those we only have contact via the computer with.
I did a very naughty thing as well, I am going to get into so much trouble for this but, this was an irrisistable situation. I went into Pets At Home and in the very far cage was a Degu all by itself and it was up for adoption, oh she was gorgeous. So knowing there was a neglected cage at home just begging to be used again, I called a member of staff over. The story went that she came in with a lot of males so she had to be seperated, poor little mite. So after some advice from the staff, I got the appropriate stuff for her while the staff were trying to box her for me. Well what fun we have had with this amusing, intelligent little girl Saffi. She comes to call just like a puppy, when she is in the roller ball she is so fast she almost tips over her own head, she has NEVER bitten in fact she licks our fingers, she snuggles like the rats do in my over large dressing gown. I am so glad I adopted her she is so entertaining and loveable, I adore her. One thing I do not understand is I was told they are demanding, I just do not for the life of me see it, she is great fun. Still that has to be the last one in the menagerie.........um.......well unless I lose one because my poor litle rats are not as long lived....oh God I cannot bear the thought of that I love my girls too much to think like that, pressing on, the menagerie is big enough now.
Feeling very well and happy today and I have been eating rather well too. The fact that I managed such a long hack (to me it was anyway 2 hrs), I did sleep from 7-7 but still I am glad I had the energy and made it. I hope this keeps up for our daughters wedding and be able to last into the evening. Usually I go to bed at 7 in the evening but I hope to last a few more hours than thatI did a very naughty thing as well, I am going to get into so much trouble for this but, this was an irrisistable situation. I went into Pets At Home and in the very far cage was a Degu all by itself and it was up for adoption, oh she was gorgeous. So knowing there was a neglected cage at home just begging to be used again, I called a member of staff over. The story went that she came in with a lot of males so she had to be seperated, poor little mite. So after some advice from the staff, I got the appropriate stuff for her while the staff were trying to box her for me. Well what fun we have had with this amusing, intelligent little girl Saffi. She comes to call just like a puppy, when she is in the roller ball she is so fast she almost tips over her own head, she has NEVER bitten in fact she licks our fingers, she snuggles like the rats do in my over large dressing gown. I am so glad I adopted her she is so entertaining and loveable, I adore her. One thing I do not understand is I was told they are demanding, I just do not for the life of me see it, she is great fun. Still that has to be the last one in the menagerie.........um.......well unless I lose one because my poor litle rats are not as long lived....oh God I cannot bear the thought of that I love my girls too much to think like that, pressing on, the menagerie is big enough now.
I went to Pennant Park Riding Centre yesterday and had a two hour hack, lots of walking, trotting and cantering, I loved every moment of it, my cantering has come on so well I feel up to galloping now. It really blew the cobwebs away and made me feel like a real rider, capable and competnt. I yearn to ride every day. I am glad I took up the riding again, what I would have been missing out on it would have been almost criminal not to have taken it up again. It is keeping me going and fighting every inch of the way, I am so happy to be around horses. One thing I have learned and it is very important near horses and that is the ability to remain totally calm whatever the situation. I am not bragging or boasting but it is a vital part of keeping the horse calm and I am so glad I posess this calmness. Maybe I realise that if the news of my diagnosis I kept calm there can be nothing else this life can do to me to take it from me. I obseved a young lady who must have been rather scared as the ponys head was almost pulled into its chest while at the same time she was kicking, must have bewildered the poor pony, she was instructed to leave the ponys mouth alone thank goodness. The more agitated a person is the more a horse will play up, but the poor animal is only fretting because of the riders fears, in other words they reflect your own mood.
I wish I had a horse of my own with a reliable livery I would ride five days a week, that I have come so far with my riding is testament to Pennant Park Riding Centre and Carls expert tuition. Every now and then life throws up a hero, well Carl is mine, I trust him and his instructions are clear and easy to follow, he inspires confidence. his horses are obedient and willing. It is such a pity I cannot ride there 5 days a week, oh well I enoy myself there every single time and every single moment and I realise just how lucky I am, I have a lot to be grateful for, I am sure there will be more two hour hacks up and coming to look forward to, so bring them on I am more than ready and willing. Who knows I may get brave enough to do some jumping? I would like before I die a riding holiday even for just a week, a week full of riding how fabulous would that be? I heard there is a shire horse riding place WOW my favourite heavy horse and the ability to ride them would be a privilge indeed.
I heard a little story that made me both sad and very cross. Someone out there had proclaimed they had the right to wear something by choice, no problem there, another person quite politely responded with their view, again no problem, the response to a polite view was met with very rude comments, how could such a rude persons views be respected with an attitude like that, I ask you? As with any subject on earth as a supposedly intelligent species, if you cannot have a well constructed and thought out debate or discussion, to me they are totally unevolved from the caveman era and are not part of a civilised species at all. Polite responses do not deserve the rudeness of these un evolved species. It is not cleve, it is not big and only highlights what is lacking in the rude species. I also put those who are sexist, racist, ageist, ability ist or disabilityist, religeousist in this because people are free to be who they are without fear and prejudice and we should learn to bring out the best in each other, so long as people do not bring harm to others we are intelligent enough to allow freedom of spirit and discuss issues that arise and in a polite and friendly manner. Maybe that is why I reach out to animals so much, I find them far more accepting, polite and easier to get on with, they have no predjudices. There are of course many lovely people out there and I applaud them for being as lovely as they are, I just find ignorant and rude ones intolerable to deal with.
I remember standing by a deep tank in Florida in which were some kind of eels, like a plank I got close to the tank and stood there talking to them, do you know that they actually came out of the cave to come close to the glass? My daughter called it eel charming (instead of going bright red and running off). It is that kind of thing that can bring me joy, I did with a Degu in a cage yesterday, again the Degu came over, I love that they choose to come over and see me. My little rats that I love let me know that they want to come out of their cage and interact with me, otherwise they would not come out at all. It is so funny to watch them take tissues out pockets and run off with them, or climb inside my dressing gown going up and down my sleeves or climb up my neck to snuffle in my ear.
Last visit to see the Oncologist kind of depressed everyone, we realise that maybe it was my fault for starting the visit by mentioning my 'blips' or not good days where I cannot face food or not sleeping or in pain, but, they don't last too long and are only what I call blips. Anyway it has not been the best of weeks health wise, lack of hunger, tired and hurting. I am much better now though and another blip over with.. What set the depression off was the mention of thinking about chemotherapy tablets. They could make me sick, lose my hair, leave me open to every infection going again, and just lower my quality of life, I am not ready to go down that path yet, only when I really cannot get rid of the blips will I think about it. It did bring home AGAIN my mortality.
So in my little head I have been seriously thinking about riding horses from one end of the country to the other to raise funds for Pancreatic Cancer Research. I have spoken to a couple of people and I have also e-mailed someone who may be able to help, fantastic. Am I being fair to my family though? How long will it take me away from them when they need my time and memory building for their comfort when I go? I keep thinking about my husband and daughter and that there are other people in similar circumstances. Research and funding for it may well help find a way to slow or cure this disease and if it helped one person and their family, it has to be important enough. Every life is valuable and precious and I cannot help every person on the planet, we all have problems no one persons problems are not less or worse they are just different and I do wish I could help every one on the planet. Someone somewhere will have a loving family who face the same as my husband and daughter and that is very hard and I can try to help at least by fund raising. Like I say am I being totally selfish to desperately want to do this? I was told I was the healthiest pancreatic patient an oncologist had seen, so that must mean I am the luckiest and that others must be feeling absolutely horrible and my heart goes out to them. What would be nice is if someone joined me to raise funds for other illnesses.
I feel kind of unusual today, very weird, it is like I am here on this earth going about my business as usual but not really here, ethreal, calm, quiet, warm, comforted, loved but strangely as if I am partly somewhere else. I would like to do, before anything does happen to me, and that is spread love, happiness and care for others all over the world because life is the most precious gift to us. So if anyone reading my ramblings would like to help in this paticular case please go ahead smile every morning you are alive and however bad you may feel it will get better life is not all down hill we do have happy sunny moments. If you smile, do a good deed or lots of them you will feel even better and it will spread and who knows we do have the ability to live side by side and happily too, without the destructive forces of hate and violence, meanness, jealousy and possesiveness. It takes real strength to live as a gentle person and spreading good things as widely as possible but we can do it.
How funny that a week later the feeling sickly and tired disappears and becomes a "blip" and I feel great, wierd or what? The sun is shining and it is quite warm, I am eating ok and feel as if nothing is wrong with me. Well better not let the "blips" spoil the good times I reckon because I feel so much luckier than other people who visit my oncologists and seem to make the doctors low, sad very sad, I want to cheer them up, make them sit up, keep surprising them with the facts that I still go horse riding, still go out every day, still facing life and giving it what for. One of my neighbours saw me at a time when I was so very poorly seems to think I have been made better, I wish I had been but it just goes to show I must look pretty healthy, great stuff eh? Just the ticket, I hope it lasts for a very long time and I will fight to the last. Poor Robin Gibb and a man of great inspiration to fight not only against cancer but for what is right too. R.I.P Robin Gibb and a big thank you from me and I am sure many others too. It is a great life to be enjoyed to its fullest so long as we do not harm others in the process, make a space for something to enjoy and it makes it all worthwhile. I remember the days of working, husband working, keeping the home clean and tidy or trying too, visiting elderly poorly parents, shopping and cooking, washing and ironing, there never seemed to be time to draw breath never mind going riding. Nightmare absolutely terrible way to live, but then I did not see then what I see now, cancer has made me see just how much I lost out on making life as good as it could be, that is why I advocate hobby time and having some pleasure in life before it becomes too late, nobody should be a slave to working all the time, that is a recipe.for ulcers, stress and depression, trust me, been there , never again. I am looking forward to my riding on wednesday and thursday, as I did rather well despite feeling grotty last time. I did not flop forward on the transition from canter to trot, YIPEE. Now all I need to do is to keep in balance and relax a little more. It is such FUN this riding and Pennant Park has taught me so much so well in a pretty short space of time, I am proud to be a customer of Carls', what a teacher he is and a very nice person, lucky lucky lucky that is me.
Well yesterday I felt awful, sickly all the time, tired and just generally ready for the knacker's yard, a very bad day and as hard as I tried to smile my way through it by the end I just did not have the strength to do it. I had met up with my eldest sister Muriel and our older brother Terry. I could not put it off as I have not seen my brother for so long and it was so good to see him. I had to go to bed before seven at night but by then I could not have cared less, I slept all night and only woke to my beloved husband bringing my cup of tea in, oh he is such a love and support.
Today I felt a little better and managed to eat something for a change, Alpen and two bananas. That is getting on my nerves, not feeling hungry at all EVER, result no energy it really is frustrating beyond anything I've ever experienced. Riding last week saw me doing the transitions from canter to trot and slumping like a sack of coal it was very embarrassing to say the least. This week saw me doing the best riding I've done in years, the day after feeling so grotty, can you believe this? What a ridiculous disease I have, I just do not understand it one jot. For anyone with pancreatic cancer, expect the unexpected. Try to keep eating, try to keep going, try to smile when you feel like death warmed up, just try to keep your favourite hobbies on the go and set goals to in them something to strive for, God knows we deserve to for ourselves as well as our loved ones. Horses and being able to ride is something that got into my blood from a young age and I really believe it is keeping me going and even if I am tired the horse can walk and still make me feel better, they seem to have something therapeutic about them, please try to live whatever life you have HAPPILY, it makes a difference honestly it does.
I have my head full of wedding dresses and dreaming about how beautiful my daughter will look, in one word STUNNING! I am so excited about this wedding I really am not on this planet at all. We did our musical ride yesterday for the RDA and I messed up on the first practise run before I finally got my head together and nailed it only for some one else to slip up oh well we all nailed it in the end, I must say there is a lady there who uses a wheelchair who makes it all such fun. She has a very sunny, smiley nature and we are always laughing and having great fun, I like this lady a great deal. No matter what my issues are I find life throwing great happiness at me all the time, a fabulous life that I intend to keep living. Now I have found riding places with lovely people and kind, generous horses. Horses are so magnificent, beautiful and forgiving it is no less than an honour to spend any time in their company.
My two rats are doing well and provide endless entertainment, they are so comical. One is a sneaky thief where food is concerned and I watch her run off with her food, hide it and come back and steal the other ones food and hide that. The one who is stolen from has sussed where the theif has her stash hidden and promptly runs off to find it. Penny is the sneaky thief and Amy is the bossy one who can't be fooled any more. Penny is the most sociable out of the two and now comes out of the cage vountarily, Amy is coming on very slowly but making progress non the less. My cat surprisingly for a hunter has taken to being scared of them, ever since fearless Penny tried to climb up his leg, that was hilarious, a little rat with no fear a big pussy cat terrified and me worrying the pussy cat would eat Penny. Oscar the cat is a funny little old soul these days and has become very clingy to me, bless his little heart. I love my pets so very much, they cheer me up no end with their antics and characters. I don't think I could have a life that did not contain animals of some description. The ask nothing other than a clean bed, fresh water, good food and to be loved, hardly the earth is it? What I get in return is beyond measure. Being kind to animals is not hard and though I do not humanise them they certainly are individuals in their own right.
We went to see the oncologist on thursday, to me it was a bit of a blow to discover the cancer had grown to the size it was when I was first diagnosed. Today (friday) I feel really down in the dumps and I felt so sick when I got home from shopping I am having a hard time trying to keep my chin up. The other thing is every so often I realise my daughter is getting married and I break out with an enormous grin, so crying one minute and laughing the next, people must think I am bonkers, they are not far off the mark to be honest. My joy at my daughters impending wedding is awesome, I really hope that my God will allow me to stay around for grandchildren, these two would make excellent parents and my grandchildren would be the honey on my toast, sugar in my coffee, cream on my strawberries, ok I'm not keen on cream but you get the gist of it, I WOULD BE OVER MOON and they would be the TOPS of all TOPPING. I know I am greedy, I have a great husband, daughter, nieces, nephew sisters but would like to cuddle Yvonne and Ugos children.
Even I can get down with this disease, not knowing how long I can keep this well and fit, how long I will suffer degeneration before dieing. Will I last long enough? is a question I keep asking God and my parents (deceased). It scares me a little too, I just think seeing the oncologist is depressing, its in the lymph nodes or it has grown just upsets me now and I don't think I want to know anymore, then again if nobody told me anything I would be very angry. I keep trying to be the best I can and usually the downs do not last long at all, this time it feels harder to do, may be because I realise just how much I stand to lose out on. For any one else suffering these feelings with a terminal disease you are most definately not on your own. I guess I am lucky having such a great family and to be still riding horses which I would hate to lose out on too. May be after next weeks riding I will feel more optomistic. I have to pull out of this because I do not want my daughter to get wind of this at all. We are going shopping for her wedding dress a week tomorrow and I am taking a camera with me to make the joy of the day last forever. Her best friend Siobhan is coming with us and she is a lovely, lovely girl with a nice husband and an adorable baby. I have the deposit ready in my hot little hands and am prepared to wear the streets of Chester down. Actually writing this has started to help my mood a little so thank you to those brave enough to read it. God bless you.
Well, well, well go away for a weekend and our beautiful daughters' boyfriend proposes to her, both daughter and mother (me) are in tears, the two males are stumped into silence trying to work out if they were tears of joy or not. They need not have worried daughter has accepted making me cry even more with the sheer joy of it all. They are two lovely people who deserve to be together and may they be blest with all the happiness in the world. I cannot wait to go dress shopping for my baby and her big day. I hope I don't end up a Mumzilla, I'm just so excited. Ugo is such a sweetheart and I can rest assured Yvonne will always be loved and cared for and that is my biggest concern, I just need someone to watch over my husband and all will be in place to allow me to go with the flow of what my life holds.
If my illness gets the better of me now I have less to stress about, of course I will fight as much as possible, I hope to be a proper Grandma to how ever many grandchildren are planned. I want to be the crazy one still doing things outside the 'norm' when I am a Grandma. I will admit I do not feel quite as well as I used to and it is very difficult to explain how and how am I going to say anything to the oncologist when they are in the room with me, without distressing them. I suppose I'd better buck up, suck it up and let the thrill of the wedding overwhelm everything. IT IS FABULOUS NEWS ISN'T IT?
I would like those who are diagnosed with cancer to please take heart, if you are not in crippling pain due to surgery or drugs, please find a passion for doing something and throw yourself into it. By that I mean a hobby that you love and you are able to cope with. i realise I am lucky I have the strength to ride horses but I swear if I didn't I would be less well than I am right now. My passion keeps me wanting to do more and is a lifeline for me to fight all the way for my loved ones. I have no chance of an operation or any cure really it is just a question of time now, but everyday I wake up I am alive and have the chance of riding or a riding lesson and do not want to leave until I acheive my goal of competing one day, please fight all you can you are not alone and any life we have has to have some fun in it, we more than most should enjoy any time we have to the full so long as it does not hurt others. The sense of acheiving a goal should lead to another and another and give a sense of fulfilment and pride in our abilities, so I say go for it, you may surprise yourself and others around you as well as inspire someone else. Cancer is not the end of living your life to the fullest within your abilities, we are in a sense freer than most to enjoy life, we need not restrict ourselves to being the disease but being our true selves.
How's this for confidence then? I really want to go for my prelim in dressage now and am concentrating hard on my position. I have been cantering lately and I feel improvements every time I ride. Total bliss when I am riding now it is such an energy, confidence giving experience I wish I could ride more often. As for the cancer, well I have to say my morphine has increased to 100mg twice a day and my appetite is non existent. I never feel hungry, just bloated and tight around my tummy. I force myself to eat though because my family would be devestated if I only relied on hunger. It is hard to force it though and it is very hard to face food most of the time, I do wish they could understand just how difficult it is. I know I have lost weight but it comes with the territory doesn't it? To me cancer is just a word I keep hearing in my head on the odd ocassion but if I miss or forget my morphine tablets boy do I every feel lousy and even though I had an operation to stop the pain I now feel in pain without my tablets. I had a CT scan not long ago so I am awaiting the results so we shall see what is going on and what stage I am at. I always have the get up and go for horses though.
I love Pennant Park Riding Centre, the horses and ponies are well cared for and behave really well, the instructor is so encouraging the only problem is i cant be there on a daily basis, so professional but friendly. The stunning scenery while out hacking is mesmerising, I feel so safe because the horses only do what is asked of them. The young couple whose place it is are caring people and are so refreshing to talk to, like minded love of all animals, right on the button for me. My lessons are great and I feel I am making progress. We had a ladies day last week half an hour lesson and a two hour hack fantastic, we came back to lovely sandwiches, scones, strawberries and cream lots of little goodies what a lovely day indeed. Thank heaven for this lovely yard and the owners everything I dreamed of having myself but am glad that they have it and I feel so happy there.
I will admit that I am having some odd feelings now and then, light headedness, feeling full all the time, whether these are linked to the cancer or not I don't know, I just hope they wear off its unnerving to say the least. I hope I don't get them tomorrow as I have baked cakes (rather a lot) and have got a lot of soft drinks to sell for sport relief, fingers crossed for selling it all.
I have had such an amazing time with my riding lessons or should I say dressage lessons. At both places the people are very friendly and professional. I am learning lots of things new to me and it is great if I get anything wrong I am told in a nice way not patronised and encouraged by having it explained in a way that makes me feel I CAN do it. The young man at one place hits the perfect note for a teacher. At the other I am improving at a rate of knots. Gosh I have missed riding and learning. We went to see my oncologist the other day, I now know why I cannot have an operation, the cancer is also in the lymph nodes near the pancreas as well as the pancreas itself. One great thing I was told is that I am the fittest pancreatic patient she has EVER seen, so how cool is that? The Bonner - Wilson genes must be the toughest genes in existence, I know just how tough because a) mum (Wilson) had rhuematoid arthritis in every bone in her body yet still kept going, b) dad (Bonner) had emphysema and also kept going with a smile. If I was half the person of either mum or dad I would be really exceptional, I was lucky I had the operation to take my pain away by a surgeon with terrific skills. A splanchendectomy op is not very common and only three surgeons in this country can do it, God bless Mr Smith for that. Well I am jammy that 7 months on from the diagnosis I am still up and at 'em and unable to wait for my next ride with the vow I will sit tall and NOT slump with round shoulders again (hopefully)
Well I have been assessed by RDA (riding for the disabled), no I am not being led around on a lead rope. I will be learning dressage and I am quite excited by the thought of it all. I really am enjoying getting back into the saddle and meeting all the new horses and new people. At the moment it is a saturday and I have the most awful tummy and cannot stray away from the bathroom. I hope the pains and er problems have gone by the morning. Poor husband has had a boring day already and we are going to see our daughter tomorrow and I cannot let all three of us down. I do not understand this problem and why it happens more frequently, it is a blooming nuisance. If I could ride every day I would, there is something so energising making me grin from ear to ear every time I am in the saddle and it lasts for a long time too, I love life, love my family and love horses I do not want to leave this life for a very long time (hope God heard that one). Whatever will be will be and I suppose I can only thank the power that gave me life for what I have had and any more that is to come.
I am not going to stick dates on until or if I become very ill, because I am naughty and should be updating this regularly. Truth to tell I am ok so nothing to report there. I am riding again and finding the pure pleasure of escapism and fun and even extra energy afterwards, I feel alive after riding, so alive absolute bliss. I don't look like a sack of potatoes I have been told so that made me happy and if I can aim for small competitions at some stage I would be really happy. I have a lot to brush up on before reaching that stage so I am going to try to persuade hubby I may need more than one hour a week (oops if he reads this he just might come through and find any number of reasons I shouldn't (he has time to think them up rather than say it out loud unexpectedly), sometimes I just don't think things through do I? Oh well I can only try. I realise now just how much I did love my riding and I got quite a way along when I was young, now I am brushing up I may take longer to get there. I think we absorb information when we were young without all the hang ups we have as adults.
I am learning on a little horse called Faith and to be fair she is a school master and that makes life easier. Even in high wind if you ask for a collected walk or trot that is exactly what you get, fabulous. I am not going to give this up unless I become to ill, but I feel fine and will last forever. Oh I didn't mention my two new companions did I? I have two rats both grey and white and hilarious. I named them after characters in the Big Bang Theory, Penny (Leonards girlfriend) and Amy (Sheldons girlfriend). My husband decided to have Amy and I decided to have Penny, no surprise that Amy is quiet, neat, clean and just a little nervous, while my Penny is destructive, messy, greedy and a terrorist, she will stare any one down and NEVER dare put your hands near the bars of her cage, drawing human blood is entertaining for her. We do have them both out, then your hands are safe and Penny is quite happy to explore it is great fun, one day Amy will enjoy it I am sure. These two rats are very loveable and very different personalities, it is amazing to watch the characteristics of them both. I love all animals and it is their individuality that holds me spell bound, God bless all creatures everywhere.
9th February 2012
Well Tango has been sold, heart breaking but realistically considering my illness and it being fatal and all that it was for the best. Now I go horse riding and this way I get a lot of pleasure and pay someone else to do the hard work and if anything happens to me they just keep going and are not reliant on me alone, cool. First ride today and I rode a horse called Faith, quite a solid reliable girl and did as she was asked. What stunned me was how good the instructor was and how it all started to fall back into place, big discovery folks......MY HEAD IS NOT A RUST BUCKET yippee! Oh I went home with a huge smile and felt ten foot tall, I enjoyed every minute of the riding and instruction. I hope next time if my poor long suffering husband will agree I may get some photos and video of me riding, I will see then if I am such a sack of potatoes.
31 January 2012
Well I feel lost and sad, it does not take much to remind me Tango will not be mine, we go shopping and the first thing to hit me are the fruit and veg isles in the supermarkets. This is of course makes me automatically go towards bags of carrots, apples and pears, oh, no, I will not be visiting her. Now I hate having cancer and feel like screaming it is not fair. What reminds me of how selfish I am is reading about children with the disease, it really should not happen to children, now that genuinely should not happen and is very unfair. I asked my doctor how long I have and still have no idea, having said that I still want to be near horses so I am going to see if I can ride for half an hour for as often as I can before I really lose it, I can not afford to waste any time now. I suppose not having chemo will give my immune system to build up to stop getting infections, that was not nice going in and out of hospital all the time because of picking up the infections, that was dreadful. It is sad to think that two of my best friends have been lost to me, one because of the livery and the other due to my health. Well I rest easier in the knowledge that it was for the horses sake, Pilgrim had been treated badly before and if you can not trust staff then it is not good to take a risk with a previously abused horse, I loved him too much to leave him there. I can not take the agony of being able to groom and entertain Tango like I should do, also it would not be fair for me to leave this earth and leave the family to deal with her in their grief, so there is no real alternative, this is the only sensible solution. So it is goodbye to my darling Tango and I wish her well, go with my love and we will meet up again and we will both be fit enough to gallop across the sky together, I may get to meet Pilgrim too.
27th January 2012
Well my oncologist said no more chemo it would kill me quicker than the cancer, so prospects not good then I take it. My lungs were affected by the chemo and that is why I can't have it. So today I took the descion to sell my beloved Tango....heartbreaking... I keep crying.... but for her sake she has to have an owner who can care for her, give her the chance to have babies she would be an excellent brood mare. She generous, kind, loving and just so adorable, I defy anyone not to fall in love with her. Anyway there are photos of my beautiful girl in the album here, I so want her to find a loving home before anything happens to me maybe with someone who believes in using Monty Roberts methods, kindness to this girl pays dividends. As for her history I know she came third in two races and I have not traced her blood lines but she is Weatherbys registered. Her tendons are not up to her being ridden again but she is a good brood mare and is free from any sexual diseases, so can be bred from safely. Oh my poor baby, my tears are probably more for me, I hate to have to do this it is worse than having cancer. I could not really careless what happens to me but anything happening to my family and believe me she is part of my family,breaks my heart , the problem here is that I cannot look after her to the best of my ability because I am not fit and healthy enough to do so and she cannot do it for herself. Why oh why did this have to happen? I feel anger because I am such a failure and always have been, right from my earliest memories. I feel as if I failed my parents, sisters, brother, husband, daughter, nieces, Oscar, Pilgrim and now Tango, it is just too much. I on the other hand have been a very lucky person to have had all these people in my life, I have been loved and cared for by each and everyone and that has and is glorious, not many people are so lucky, even people of position and status and wealth have been so lucky.
25th January 2012
OOOps didn't tell you about our exciting saturday did I? Well we got Tango in it was freezing and windy, so naturally she was rather jumpy, as all horses are when it is windy- I was asked why as though people think I know nothing grrrrrr because horses do not hear too well or not at all when it is windy- but I needed to change her under rug quite desperately. So almost off with the top rug when something must have touched her and she exploded into action breaking the clip on her lead rope and galloping off. Talk about speedy, I had to go behind her to make sure she didn't get through the gate and she never kicked me or tried bless her, luckily she headed straight for her field and we were able to catch her again and undress and redress her. Well that was fun and at least she and I had our private time when I took her back to her field and gave her lots of love and comfort before leaving.
Today is the 25th and I had to see my oncologist, he is a lovely man, honest and kind, very good with his patients. I was told that I was not going back on the chemo so I suppose that is a relief. Oncologist is going to keep an eye on my condition and I will have scans periodically and see how I am. I must admit I feel tired by 4-4.30 in the afternoon but that is not a problem I have an excuse for a power nap. My back aches a little sometimes but again that is nothing really my stomach rolls as if I have the runs but I have been given something for that so really I am doing very well, looking at me no one would believe I had anything wrong at all. I asked my oncologist how long I had to live, that was very unfair of me, he could not tell of course and I think he would have told me if he knew, like I say that was bad of me and I feel I should apologise for asking but I would be a liar if I said it did not pray on my mind from time to time. Most of my time though is spent enjoying my loved ones human and animal, they make my life so valuable and precious to me I am hanging on in there for ever. To love and to be loved is the most valuable gift in this life, without it we are not really living. This generation seems to take delight in finding any excuse to hurt others in any way they can, I cannot help but ask why? Are they so bereft of any emotion? Do they not know love, respect or human decency? I pity these poor souls, this behaviour does not encourage or attract love into their own lives. I keep getting the message on Twitter about someone saying bad things about me, I never open them because I do not care what is said about me, what does matter is I do not hurt others.
20th January 2012
Well no more guess work and crossing fingers YIPEE I can go riding again, gosh I am so excited hope it happens soon, at least I know I will be safe and will learn in a comfortable environment. Now the plan is to get brushed up with my dressage and get comfortable with all the paces again or endurance.
19th January 2012
Well here I go again another day another infection but so far no hospital....HOORAY.....I cried like a baby last night because of falling ill seemingly every 2 minutes. My darling husband is right though it is a little hitch that some people would have gladly put up with just to stay alive, looking at things from that angle he is so very right and I feel very guilty for being such a wuss. For anyone with cancer please try to find a good thing to focus on, while we live there is optomism as well as hope, so many new treatments keep coming to the public attention, you or I or all of us hopefully could fall blooming lucky tomorrow.
Meanwhile try if you are able to find something you would really like to do a hobby of some sort or volunteer in an area you are passionate about or study and try and go for it while we live we are able to enjoy something surely. As everyone knows my passion is horses and my old girl is the love of my life the softy that she is. I hope to go riding for the disabled soon so I may get to ride after all, its on my bucket list folks so I will do it somehow, it may not be western as I had hoped but riding is riding and I just can't wait.........try to make your dreams come true, I pray for your success.
I love my husband very much too as well as my daughter. This may sound odd but I get really sleepy by 8 o'clock at night or sometimes earlier and I sleep late too right up until 9 o'clock so I guess that is why I look and feel ok the rest of the day.....there isn't much of the day left really now is there? What a lazy bones! I am going to admit to having back ache and it is in the area of my kidneys, I know I have been off the chemo for a month because of my bodies reaction to it and I wonder if it is related, guess I will find out soon enough. I still feel fit and well aside from the back ache and that isn't intolerable, so I can't wait to get riding again, if I can't learn western then I will have to learn to do dressage.
11th January 2012
What a lovely morning, a good to be alive morning. Tango came over straight away so we grazed and ambled our way over to the yard. I love taking my time, talking to her letting her nibble on the way. In the yard lots of carrots, a few apples and the familiar scrunching down the ear, so lovely to stand there resting cheek to cheek talking or just day dreaming oh how I love my gentle mare, what a babe she is. Well now we get to move the neck piece of her rugs and see just what a mucky madam she is and honestly she has lumps of mud in her mane the size of boulders, so I stand there breaking them up in my fingers to try to get rid of them, otherwise she would have no mane left. Funny old girl, there isn't a bad bone in her body she is a proper little love bug. How anyone could harm a hair on their heads beats me, given half a chance those that hurt animals would have a dose of what they dished out. The love I feel for Tango is every bit as strong as the love I feel for any member of my family and that is how it should be. I loved my parents, love my husband, my daughter and my cat who is a big part of our family (in fact he rules the roost the older he gets, he is 17 now). Tango is 16 y.o and so she deserves to be spoiled and though I won't be bullied (I doubt that will ever happen with her) I do like to spoil her. I am teaching her to finish chewing one mouthful before reaching for another, she isn't barging or getting naughty having to wait so this lesson could go well, I trust her totally. I hope we can do some schooling on a halter soon, I want to go the Monty Roberts way and use the dually halter, that way she teaches herself without me having to do anything I dislike doing. The dually gets uncomfortable if the horse does not stay with the handler, rather like wearing shoes on the wrong feet, it does not hurt so that puts my mind at rest. What a shame she cannot be ridden, I am sure we would have had yet more fun together, still I am glad we have the love and trust, that is luck enough for me, to love a horse and have her trust and love me is what I have always wanted, lucky me, beautiful Tango.
4th January 2012
When I was diagnosed as having inoperable pancreatic cancer I expected to feel terrible all the time, that could not be further from the truth. I admit at the begining before the splanchenectomy the oramorph needed to control the pain was disgusting but then the pain was really bad. Now luckily the pain has gone and I feel so well
it is hard to believe there is anything wrong at all. I have had to have a month off from chemo because of the rare side affect I developed made breathing painful. I have enjoyed not going to the hospital in all honesty I found it a nuisance but a necessary one. When I see my oncologist I may be put back on a lower dose....we shall see. It does not really leave a lot to report in my diary, I lead a pretty boring life to most people, I would love to ride western, love to ride period to be honest, people want my doctor to sign forms and write letters which all cost a small fortune all because of insurance and the sue culture. I would not give a hoot if I fell off I took the risk in the first place so why not take that as given? Are we seen as no brained idiots that cannot see any risk in the things we CHOOSE to do? All areas of life seem to be governed by 'someone might sue' children cannot play conkers without H&S going hysterical, stupid people given the wrong ladder to climb... er.... well Mr dopey, could you not tell that that type of ladder would have slid down without someone else holding it? Good grief I despair at the stupidity of it really I do, there is such a thing as going too far.
Gosh am I an opinionated so and so, sorry but you think about the way we are treated these days, do you not feel it just a little patronising? Anyway short life not enough time to get done what I would love to get done so I got to thinking, what if an already set up charity would take this idea on? My idea of therapy with horses. Then if anything happens to me it would not affect the rescue of horses or the good work for those suffering mental distress. I think I will write to the nearest one and see what the response is....wish me luck.
Aside from all this my love for Tango is strong and so emotional, every time I go to see her she shows me another affectionate move, what a sweetie. My old cat too has become really clingy, stop stroking him at my peril. how honoured I am that two animals demonstrate trust in me, if I put human emotions to one side trust is certain. However I dispute those theories that say animals do not have the emotions of humans. Watch elephants when one of the herd die....is that not grief? To feel grief there must have been an emotional tie to the deceased in the first place, yes, no? I have seen penguins with deceased chics, buffalo all sorts of species morn deceased, when a big cat rubs its cheek against another who is to say that is not affection? I care not for those opinions who say no it is not possible, it will never shake my belief they do feel it and they will be with me in the next life, thank God. Tango knows I love her, otherwise why does she not move away from me when I let her go? Oscar loves me everyone who knows my old cat knows it, he is usually all over me like a rash bless him, however mad he drives me, I love him to bits.
Considering this diary was meant to be about coping with cancer since I found out I had it, in order to help anyone else with it I don't seem to have a lot to offer. The only thing I can say is DO NOT let the dark days win, EVER because life is worth living to the full however long or short, a cure could be announced tomorrow for all we know. There is so much to do out there and if you cant get out try going on line to see if you can do something there. PLEASE keep enjoying life, it is a gift we cannot look in the mouth, it is valuable and very precious. If you have any animals then you are blessed indeed and can take comfort in their love and trust as well as learn valuable lessons from them just by observation of their behaviour.
1st January 2012
Seems funny writing 2012 gosh and I was born in the 1950s wow I must seem like an antique although I don't feel it. I went to the yard this morning and had such a wonderful time. I had a cup of tea with Penny, Sandra brought Tango in for me, such kindness. Tango enjoyed munching needless to say, she is also learning that the words "all gone" along with letting her sniff my empty hands, means there are no more treats and I just love the way she licks my hand. We went back to her field and I took her through the gate and removed her head collar, she never moved and as I was stuck between the fence and her body, I stayed put. I sang to her and stroked her beautiful cheek, slid my hand underneath her chin to stroke the other side of her face and she gently turned and put her cheek on mine, not in a pushy and dominant way either, she had a sleepy look so I kept singing and stroking, I think she may love me, I pray she does she is so gentle and kind and a real foodface bless her.
Happy new year to all of my friends, family and those who read this, bless your kind hearts and blessings in all your endevours, I wish you all good health, happiness and enough wealth not to have to struggle, as well as wishing you true peace that animals seem to acheive without any difficulty, we can acheive it too.
28th December 2011
Having read todays paper I felt very sad it seems thousands of vets....one in five British soldiers will suffer mental illness PTS or other forms of illness. Why on earth am I not doing something? Mental health has been taboo for too long, if not taboo now a real mystery even phsychiatrists do not get it right, and whatthe hell are we doing still using shock therapies in this day and age for? I was told no-one recovered from my illness yet here I am as sane and rational as anyone else, thats why I say the psychs don't get it right. I also think the shock treatment is a barbaric treatment from an ignorant time in the dim and very distant past. Now I admit the service people should be the most deserving as they suffer fighting for their country and they would come first. I also want to help others with mental problems, people are begining to realise that animals and horses in particular help enormously in this area, I know my girl Tango is living proof, in my darkest hours she has lifted me back to normality and trust me when you have cancer it is no easy ride. We have nothing like this in this area of Wales I am desperate to see this set up here. Lots of therapy for young people provided there is room and they can travel to far flung places, but what about adults? what about those who cannot travel distances or have to wait on enormous waiting lists? How about the rescue of horses too. This charity I would love to see set up would provide so much help to so many. With my type of cancer I need someone willing to share the dream on board to help.
24th December 2011
My most favourite day of the year, the reason for that is when our daughter was small. I used to save the wrapping of their presents until Christmas eve, I found it all so exciting sneaking around making things as nice as I could for them. This excitement has never left me, the thing is the feelings of love and giving stays all year because of the pleasure I get from the giving and receiving of these things, I don't mean giving of physical gifts, the gifts of love and friendship are precious things that should be given with an honest open heart never to be abused. Anyway we picked our daughter up and she spent the night, it was so good to be a family on Christmas eve. Christmas morning and the usual chaos ensued with wrapping every where, thank yous and hugs and lots of loves flying around I cannot believe the kind generousity of my family and friends honestly it is astounding. I now wish I could thank everyone adequately.
My next move will be to go to see Tango and spoil her, after all having seen the film about Secrateriat and just how hard racehorses and that industry is has made me glad she is no longer a part of it. Worried about my cat though faithful old Oscar, he has a lump on his nose and snores, not good, he also has arthritis poor old lad. I love my two animal family members. I am so glad my mojo is back though I thought it was gone forever, my tummy plays up a little now and again making me think I have the runs but I can cope with that if my mojo is working, if it doesn't work I get depressed and realise I am poorly
20th December 2011
My mojo has taken ages to come back, it has really been a drag this time, anyway it turns out the chest and breathing problems were down to the toxcicity of the chemo so I have a month off from having chemo and returning on a reduced dose of it, so no appointments for a while YIPEE. Well I had a fabulous day on Sunday the 18th, it started by my getting dressed and going to see Tango. When I got to the yard I had such a welcome it was so good to be back. I was even allowed to have my christmas present early from Penny and Peter, how lovely. Tango whinnied when she saw me ahhhhhh, bless her, what magic button does she press to make me feel like this? Gentle, funny, kind, loving, accepting, I have no idea what the button is but am I glad she is there to press it because I think I would find it so hard to find my mojo, her face, her eyes so trusting. God bless Tango.
I am not putting a date on here because I have been away for some time and it would make me feel guilty. I found myself with so much bounce I cooked like someone posessed, my poor husband was faced with all his favorite dishes and huge portions to boot. Then back to hospital and somewhere along the line all my energy had evaporated into the ether. I was out of hospital for a few days and my chest hurt with every breath and I had no choice but to call my doctor.....guess what?............correct back to hospital, this time when I came out I felt totally numb, no energy, no emotion, nothing. It was either a chest infection or a rare side effect of the chemo, I hope it was a chest infection.
My beloved husband told me that the Order of Lazarus with over a million people had said prayers for me, I cried, so I now know I do have deep seated emotions. How can I thank all the people who have prayed, set up facebook sites dedicated to me, special friends who send beautiful presents from America, it all just makes me cry I am a Jody Nobody. I would like to say a huge thank you to every single person and prayers for a loving and happy life.
I may never see my dream charity in this area come to fruition but for those that suffer any distress I hope they get themselves involved with animals with whom you will never be judged (only cruelty will drive an animal away or make it defend itself), it is a quiet, gentle world where tomorrow has not happened, what is, IS, it is that simple, a stroke or kind word earns its own reward. We are an intelligent race, so we think, I feel we have lost the ability to look at the world in that simple way, we complicate it by saying oh but work, the children, the mortgage, the car etc on and on and on it goes, put in simple terms we are chasing money that is the crux of it. Well as I have discovered a cuddle from my husband can make me feel more important than the Queen. When I find out someone has said mass, prayers, and led prayers for me, a nobody, I cry because I cannot express how amazed I am at the humanity and love there is out there.....lets spread it as far as we can, I know I will try my very best to do so and in doing this it will be a small way of saying thank you to you all.
13th November 2011
A bit on the low side this morning, I think it is because I get so fed up battling the authorities over what we are actually entitled to genuinely not because we are layabouts, it seems no matter how genuinely ill someone is they will always be the easiest targets for governments to toss aside and refuse them help. The only exception is cancer, even then I know of people who have been badly let down. Well I am battling for it and will keep doing so in the intrest of justice and not letting the bullies get the better of me, so MR BLAIR and MR CAMERON, your policies of treating the mentally ill (withdrew support outside of hospital, so vulnerable people either cope alone or end up back in hospital ) and the genuinely disabled (lets get all the drug addicts and alcoholics off DLA, but the genuinely ill are being kicked off and those who have yet to apply will find it impossible to actually get DLA so another very vulnerable group are hit) (heating allowance reduced so the elderly another vulnerable group to be hit) are not going to bully me into giving up and letting you kick the genuinely ill off their entitlements. Had we never worked so hard all our lives I might understand, but we have worked damned hard and payed in to the N.I system for what? We are in a recession I hear all the squealing as I watch the Europhants squander more and more of the billions, threatening more and more wasteful things, charity sent all over the globe, compensation to prisoners? money for illegal immigrants to go home? Really what lunacy is this YOU CANNOT LOOK AFTER YOUR OWN MR CAMERON never mind the flotsam that is Europe.
I already feel the battle I am fighting is tough enough but I will manage that, sometimes though it feels a little lonely, strange isn't it? There is my husband and daughter and nephew and nieces, how can I feel lonely? Easy as it happens this is an unknown path and if the person who is walking it does not know what to expect how is anyone else? Will the chemo make me feel tired and listless? Will it shrink the tumor? Pancreatic is one of the most aggressive cancers it seems. I was called brave by a Doctor, how kind but there is no other way I know to deal with illness other than not let it beat me, it will though eventually, however long it takes we all know it will eventually, which is why Tango s quiet and calm is the best friendship ever. Tango quietly without words or backing off allows me to hug her, that feels good and makes me cry, gives me the release I need and for once I was alone to do it. Her legs are a little sore still from a kick or kicks some time last week, poor baby.
LAST SUNDAY. Well what a thrill indeed, I had a ride on my friends Momma Bear, what a beautiful, gentle rock solid girl she was, not only is she cuddly to look at she is just such a comfy bear too, good as gold, but then I only see her sometimes and she is on good behaviour then, only her mummy knows her best. It was very much a privilige to sit on her.
Tango and I are really bonding now, I just feel so much closer to her every time I see her, she is such a love and so calm, gentle and very affectionate. I enjoyed every moment with her last week but this week is tinged with concern. Her rear and fore legs one of each, are rather thick and swollen and I am worried. There does seem to be a strike area but I am not happy knowing she is hurt. Oscar has arthritis and that is bad enough, I hate animals hurting. Tango has been given something to help
so I am hoping when I see her she will have recovered at least a little bit
October 27 2011
Tuesday 25th was a fabulous day and a day that Tango and I seemed to have a real deep bonding session. All the horses were at the top of the field not far from the stile. This was not quite so bad to start with so I sat on the stile and just said ' are you coming then?', over came Tango and we managed a few treats before we were sussed out. Tango walked away while a couple of others came too close, so I walked away as well, just far enough to keep talking to Tango. The thing is she knows I won't leave until all the treats have gone and hangs around for as long as I do. The others usually get bored waiting and nothing happening for them and wander off, she took her mate away from the stile and headed a roundabout way back to me and managed to finish her treats. At this point I stood up and started to rub her face and sing to her, you are my sunshine. She really seemed to enjoy it very much and it was so hard to leave. I am going to try to up load the sequence of photos of arrival leaving on the album. It was a really joyful day for me just because she chose to stay with me.
October 20 2011
Ok so I am late on the update, I went to Tango on Tuesday, but, because the trek over two fields, grooming and walk back did make me rather a little tired, this time I decided to risk giving her the treats at the stile. The herd were there and two of them hung around waiting to see what I was up to. Luckily Tango knew full well, and hung around until both her patience and mine beat the other two horses hollow. I sat on the stile with my back to her and passed the treats up over my shoulder. The scrunching in my ear was funny, the only negative is the drool that tends to end up all over me, sticky apple, carrot or pear. I do not care, it's a price worth paying seeing a happy horse and having lots of head scratching which she also loves, licks for me and touching such a magnificent horse that brings me such joy. The peace and friendship at Staroak, nothing compares to such utter pleasure, no clocks just bird song, horses galore......bliss.
Our daughter came home from a peaceful holiday where there were no phones. We are so ruled by clocks and telephones no wonder stress levels are through the roof, no money because of greedy energy firms etc, the whole rat race really. My bliss in life is seeing my family, waking up in the morning seeing my husband. A visit from my daughter, sisters, nieces, nephew, my family are so very important. If someone is stuck in that horrid rat race, dictated to by phones and clocks, how about trying a safe walk, let someone know where you are going, leave the mobile and watch and take a breather out of it for a while? Even stay at home get rid of the clock and put the phone off the hook and picture your own paradise. Life is full of beauty we just don't look sometimes, ok so the colour of a blade of grass may seem ridiculous to you but really look at it and see just how many greens there really are there and see if each blade is exactly the same, is there moss in the grass, a little or tiny white flower peeping through? Whimsical, yes maybe but nature is has that about it, it is not just the huge picture of the trees in autumn, the smaller details shouldn't be lost either.
Today I feel ok but very lazy it is more a case of can't be bothered than anything else, it is not a depressive slide either, just bone idle and I might just indulge that for today, or I may just get some house work done for a novelty. Due the flu jabs tomorrow so heaven only knows what that will bring, we shall see. I seemed to surprise my district nurses when they visited because I looked so well and so full of energy, they reckoned that usually after that amount of chemo most are flat out on the sofa. Since when have I ever been a normal person I wonder? No-one ever recovered from the mental issue I recovered from, I was osteoporotic and osteoarthritic which only happens in obesity, something no-one can ever say I was that at 5foot 5inches and 8and a half stone, you try finding any information on a combination of the two...ha good luck! If you have both you like me are stuffed getting any help with it which really angers me, it does happen to people so the medical profession should be able to help them somehow, even with information. Oh well from this most unusual odd ball who is quite happy to admit it, maybe I am cured from my cancer or if not quite there at least very well down the road to the point of almost there, I feel very positive that this is going now, so roll on odd ball life I love you and am going to keep being me.
October 16 2011
Tango day, yipee. Went down to the stud, had a lovely cup of tea and chat with Penny, went to get Tango in glorious sunshine, peaceful fields and the calm was just fabulous. Tango was in a distinct mood for playing silly games today which I found fun. I like to watch these little quirks come out. Today it was you will have to come and catch me, then it was I am a very nervous spooked horse here. We had fusses in the yard, we had rug checks for the weather to make sure everything fitted well and then time to head back, this was where I ended up giggling my head off at her antics. She was playing spooky and jumpy, I was taking no notice. She then decided to jump 2 feet in the air and land trotting, until the rope pulled her up, I was just telling her what a plonker she was when she started to pull funny faces at me, what could I do? I nearly wet myself, this was a first for us and had me hysterical that she could pull such faces. Where the heck is my camera when I need it? I have said this before and will say this again, I will come through on the end of Tango's lead rope and I love being at the stud too, I have missed it so much, it brings a quality of life to me that is hard to define and I am me and who I am, that is true freedom.
October 15 2011
I did not realise just how hard it hit the family, the news of having cancer, I seemed to focus too much on how to tell them, then expected them to brave up and take things as they came, how very selfish and mean was that? Then to get this bug and frighten them half to death again and expect them to be just the same as usual once I came round. I feel such a callous heel, what would it have been like if it had been another member of the family? Thank God it isn't but if? Would I be handling it the way I want everyone else to for me? I want people to be honest with me, tell me the truth about how they feel, I am not porcelain I can handle it now, I think I always had a sneaking suspicion of an earlier than normal demise. I have had so many conversations trying to prepare my daughter for the eventuality and it will be a happy passing and I will never leave not really. My fear is not just I do not want to die, I do not want to leave the ones I love, I am that selfish. Trouble is I was so attached to mum and dad............ It is like mum and dad have a home waiting, and as their daughter I am the little girl again playing out, maybe they have told me to be home for tea time and I am making the most of it, but like I was as a child I will be late, my 'watch stopped' knowing me. This analogy is not in real time, I am fighting this, without the cancer I might have made 90, with it I may make 89 I don't know. I don't want to know either, I only know I want to be with my family all the time.
Sitting in the car and daydreaming as I do when we park up just the colour of grass and moss, it was vibrant and such a lovely colour. The colour of the sky and the soft light and mood it evoked. The cool moisture smell this morning with the sunlight bouncing off the leaves on the trees makes and always has made my life a real joy to be in. There are definate smells to seasons and the most striking one to me is the approach of winter, and bonfire night signals it most, the few days run up has that smell and it rivets me and excites me. Bonfire night is my eldest sisters birthday and I remember mum, sparklers, fireworks, dad, toffee apples and an awful lot of fun in a great childhood.
October 13th 2011
I am so glad things are begining to settle back down somewhat back to the life I seem to recall enjoying so much, this is better. Obviously it has had to change to some degree, in order to fight this I need the chemo and meds etc and am happy to do that, so long as there is normality too. When our daughter was young and we worked and had hectic lives I cooked homemade meals, knitted, sewed and remember being very domestic. Since retirement when I have time in abundace, you would think, I stopped doing any of it, now it has struck me as wierd. My daughter has a lovely friend who is having a baby and I started knitting, only a blanket to begin with but I seem to have been bitten by the bug to do it again, knitting that is. The only cafe food (who sent my recuperative stew to my house 'Kassidy's') whose taste is sublime has encouraged me to try to get my cooking skills back, no where else gets the flavours right for me. I have one problem though, the portions, I seem to be trying to feed the 5,000 in one sitting. I am also very clumsy at the moment too, I get up in the morning and head for the bathroom, fully wide awake, wash my hands, come out of the door and then walk straight into a wall, I drop things and spill things a lot. This digestion side has its unfortunate wind related problems too, there is no control. I cannot understand why, if this cancer has a known effect on enzymes,they don't get prescribed on diagnosis. Oh well I don't what to do about the related uncontrollable problems it is just a bit embarrassing for other people I think.
October 10th 2011
Well I suppose if I am honest this has been a whole readjustment time for everyone involved in my life, my perspective being a very selfish one. I have had very honest, direct conversations to ensure that there are no ill feelings and no deliberate hurt intended, but, that I am not to be discussed or my plans to be discussed at all unless I raise any issues I have, for example I will do what I am able, if I cannot I will ask, then if I am refused then I can make other arrangements. I know my limits and would never rely on anyone unless it is impossible for me to cope or manage and even then not rely on, ask, my desicions are my own again and I feel so much happier, more back to my old self, phew in capital letters.
Happy, happy day today, we all went out together this morning, ok only shopping but my husband, David ( his preferred name) and myself and we all seemed to really enjoy it, we laughed like old times, wound each other up in fun like old times it just felt so good to me, not being an ogre for wanting self control back. Perhaps I became so obsessed over it. I am praying that this will last for ever and that all the old fun we enjoyed can stay around for good, I hate any confrontation it hurts and depresses me badly and with emotions highly charged it makes it worse. I will not sink into that pit of despair, I cannot afford to, plus, when I think of Tango so willing to hook up with me and follow me two fields on to get to our special treats area, how could I? How much joy and pleasure this girl gives me in just coming near me is unbelieveable and priceless, she is pure magical joy.
I am so going to take control again now, I am fed up being controlled by descisions others decide to make without even bothering to ask me how it makes me feel. I mean being baby sat I ask you! I have some dignity you know, I have some bloody pride, human being here. I wouldn't mind if I was asked or consulted it would show that some measure of my feelings were being considered not steam rollered into what is thought best for me like some zombie. I know intentions are good but it becomes the path to hell when the actual person is not a part of what is planned, even the medical profession do not do that. Anyway I have found that my gums bleed no matter how gentle I am when brushing them, so I guess it is mouthwash etc. A really strange symptom is I fall into a blissful deep sleep, dead to the world and BANG eyes open wide and lying in a pool of perspiration, my pillow is soaked through. No warning, no nightmares, such a strange thing to happen, I suppose I will have to try to tell the doctor that one and see what it is.
October 9th 2011
I started to lose the will to go out after all this losing control feeling yesterday and having trips I hoped to do taken away and the looking after bit and got very down about it. So this morning I just thought what is the point of going to Tango? Well I kicked myself thoroughly over that one, this one area no-one controls but Tango and her descions, ha! Perfect, yes I am going and I am so happy I did. She was at the very bottom of the lower field, I managed to get there, she hooked up and followed me all the way to the top gate with me, oh God bless my little mare. We had a very sneaky treat session where we were not suspected of being treated. Then we had fusses and as my hand rested there she just licked and licked it. Maybe I am silly but I love this girl I hope she will always know this, she also keeps me strong because all she ever does is to make it her descion and that is the ultimate, individuals make their own descions and are free to do so.
I find it funny how silly and piffling little things become huge and all consuming, this is odd ok? I make my porridge (only decent meal in some hospitals, trust me), just slightly thicker, spread very soft dark brown sugar over the top and pour so much milk over the top so that the porridge is a floating island, do not mix the sugar because each spoonful comes up with a coating anyway, what a fabulous breakfast. Stupid thing is it is becoming an ice cream fad....help?
October 2nd 2011
Oh wow, what a difference, this may be graphic and rather awful to read but I am going to be honest, so those who are not into medical stuff, do not read this bit or look away now. I had absolutely no control of my bowels for a long time and became dehydrated quite badly. It burned passing motions to the point of near screaming, it left me totally drained of anything, feeling, sensation other than burning it was horrible. Well the wow will become clear in a moment. I have had the bliss of eating what I want when I want it, my body keeps saying, rice pudding, ice creams, fruit, sweets, stew (from Kassidys especially) and adding dumplings to my own. I need to start my bone building again because of the osteo-porosis that has taken a back seat to the cancer, so all the creamy bits maybe due to that. This morning after not being able to go to the toilet for nearly a week had me worried, well I need worry no more I went and without any medicine to make me! That makes all the difference I did it myself. Now about this diet, since the Creon tablets what a blissful heaven this is, eat lots of creamy etc I get told, well I listen and always have to what my body tells me and so far it has worked, when I asked for a banana because I just fancied one on a whim I was told about it being good for potassium which I needed badly at the time. Just one among many examples of listening to my own body being important to me, so imagine my delight in being given free reign to dig in there? Both my daughter and niece have been talking about all the nice new ice creams out on the market........er may I become their offical taster and reviewer? I am in heaven here am I not? Eating all this is bliss, I love eggs too, boiled (soft), fried and poached, so long as the yolk is dippy, like me!
I would like people to know me a bit better too so to show you a glimpse of me here it is. I have pride and take pride in the fact that I will NEVER ask anyone to help me, it would have to be pretty darned impossible situation to warrant it. I refuse point blank to have anyone do things as a carer because I will do it if it kills me, it has and is a real rareity for me to accept an offer. I will NEVER take advantage of anyone EVER. I have had a dear friend take me to chemo, Lis and feel it so unfair to her, she has family and a life outside of 4 hours hanging around for me, it hurts me to see a lovely lady so generously doing this. It hurts because I feel such overwhelming need to give back and cannot show it well enough it always feel clumsy. I am very emotional and at the moment do not have a lot of control over what makes me cry with happiness and what makes me so angry, I have no idea how to handle this.
Now I have found that I am safe to drive in the morning the occassional shopping trip can now be done by me so that will allow Mike to free up from the Saturdays, funny since he moved here I seem to have seen less of him than when he lived in Nottingham, and more of his fish. Funny guy always so busy, so busy it is like watching a whisp of smoke floating in and out of your life and just waiting to see when it will drift in or out again. He too has family all over the place and I will not be an interference in that for anything and anyone who thought otherwise deserves a blooming good roasting over the coals, all I can say is shame on them for assuming I would allow that.
I really realise how lucky I am, a husband who has cared for and loved me for 25 years, through losing a baby, breakdowns mine and his through losing parents and now this wretched cancer. We will beat it but it is just a little hard at times. We have had an awful lot of fun on the way and that is so important not lose sight of. If all I ever remember is the funny side my life will be sucessful, if people play me out on funny songs I am a sucess. One life, one chance, darned well enjoy it, not at the expense of others though, try to encourage others to enjoy the ride with you always is my own way of seeing it. I hope everyone can see the love, fun and vitality in life and those suffering loss, there is nothing can be said or done to ease that, I wish there was a magic solution to help that pain. Love and ones who loved in life would never wish for us to continue life crying and in pain and may for all we know be desperately trying to cuddle us or shout at as to stop how do we know if we are not hurting the spirit of the passed one? I hold no views here of any religious beliefs so as I do not judge do not judge me by a mooted possibility. I have a totally open mind and will not condemn anyone unless they commit crimes against others, this life is for sharing spiritual love, support and living.
Well I am a very happy individual, I can eat at last, I am out of pain AT LAST I have stopped smoking at last, so a lot of at lasts. Thing is I have this peculiar sensation of one step outside of my own body. Very hard to describe indeed, if I pinched myself it may hurt, but not as much as it normally would have, or almost travelling life with one eye partially sleeping, hmmmm best say it this way a calm a very deep calm has descended on me as if I have faced death and the fear of it has released its hold over me and all I would feel is sleep and deep rest, death can no longer frighten me. So as I write this I realise this is exactly what it is death has no hold on me, wow that is a discovery as I wrote it. Peculiar to think that I believed in being back with my parents and loved ones if I did pass over, to be scared of death, to then face it and not be is a kind of consoling sensation.
I still feel a little remote maybe because all the hopes and dreams I had and the boundries too, are no longer having to be drawn and redrawn all the time, which thinking about it was draining. I wanted to do this, but my back cannot cope. I wanted to that but my arthritis.....blah, blah annoying, frustrating. Then along comes something that could potentially take everything away and you are left realising the truth in life. Nothing is more important than leaving a legacy of love to be passed on to people and animals and we really need desperately to let people know. If you can give a smile rather than a frown PLEASE DO IT, if you can give a hug PLEASE DO IT, you may be pleasantly surprised or delighted, what have you got to lose? This is how I feel and I know hugging my husband, daughter, all those I love including Oscar and Tango make me feel 1,000 feet tall.
I have been given enzymes to help me digest my food, after one tablet my stomach stopped with the rolling pain of old, my god what miricle is this? I felt so much better already, anti-depressants (mild) because I was crying so much all the time, then steroids to help build me up, next morning I swear someone switched me for someone else, this is not me is it? I may not be as strong as I was physically but mentally I feel it. I am so glad my daughter did some research and asked my oncologist about the enzymes that made such a difference. Anyway went to see Tango today, our friend took me in her car and met Tango, Yvonne met us there and met Tango for the first time too. It would seem that our friend and Yvonne noticed just how much of a difference came over me being at Staroak Stud with my girl and just why I love her, they were amazed at her gentleness and her beauty and I have never been so proud of such a horse in all my born days, her and I can never part, I will get better and be well enough to get my routine back I will fight to the death for it now, I mean seriously fight for my health for her to be with her.
What a struggle, struggle to wake up, struggle to eat, struggle to go to the loo, struggle living. Burning feet horrid sensation, miserable and down all the time just the most horrid feelings ever and I thought it would never end. I was in an endless loop of pain, depression, discomfort, no energy, no control over my bowels or muscles and having to pretend to everyone I was getting better when in reality I had had it, enough was enough. Today however was so different, strange indeed, I wanted to sing so I started on the Bear Neccesities from Jungle Book and immediately felt happier. I got dressed, told my husband I fancied going to the corner shop for my paper and that is just what we did. Now I may not have complete control over my muscles but that will come nor it seems do I have any control over my bowels but I am NOT going to let that get in the way of getting better. Today is the start of my recovery and I am going to see Tango on Saturday and I can't wait, I miss my old girl and owe her big time for her love and trust she shows me. Poor old Oscar though has had it with me drifting in and out of the home and has become a daddy's boy now, can't say as I blame the poor old lad, he can't even walk over me as my tummy is sensitive so....there we go.
Where were we? Oh I don't know......... so I will start from my last memory. Yvonne and Ugo came to pick us up to go to Wrexham hospital for my unusual operation. This involved splitting the nerves near my pancreas to stop the severe pain. For the first time since the diagnosis I realised I have cancer and I could not stop crying, why I do not know, I was as confused as to why I was like this as everyone else. I felt strong up until that moment and now I felt weak. The operation was a sucess but overnight I was very sick and had diahorrea which continued into the morning. Despite this they discharged me me and I felt really rough and I was totally dehydrated. As soon as I was home my husband was shocked and the doctor was called. We were told to phone the ambulance (this was not my own doctor whom I respect, by the way.
The ambulance arrived at 5.40 and theey wanted to take me to the hospital where I'd had the operation. No-one at home would accept this and so off to Glan Clwyd I went. Because I needed barrier nursing and there were no rooms available I had to remain on the ambulnce for an hour until there was a private room to use in A & E for an examination. I saw a surgical doctow in case another operation was necessary but it wasn't, I saw clinical doctors to assess me and get me on drips for the dehydration. Bloods galorw were taken and an x-ray. It soon became a situation where I had no strength for anything not even a smile, I wanted mercy and to be put down, it wasn't fair that they ask me to keep going, in fact it was cruel to me in my eyes. Do you know what though? As desperate to die as I was then, ask me now how I feel. All those I love, my family, my friends have all pulled me through and am I ever glad of it.
(If you want to follow the story and chart my slow progress go to http://barsetshirediaries.wordpress.com home page or http://lorddavidspage.weebly.com home page)
Now I have to organise Tango as I am about five or six days overdue in paying her livery so better get my skates on and her teeth need sorting. I miss this baby girl like mad and now I have hope to be able to get to her asap. The operation has left me with a minus but on the positive side I am nearly drug free and no pain as such it is like a miracle, so Mr Baker you are a hero to me, as only one of three surgeons in the country able to do this operation, take a well earned bow. As for the hospital where the op was performed and the ward I was taken to, hang your head in shame.
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I simply must mention a very special lady her name is Lis, she has been an absolute rock through all of this scarey period, she has been taking me and my husband to all of chemo sessions and it takes around four hours every time. How many people would not only refuse to take petrol, drive to the hospital and hang around for that length of time? I would have been ok with hospital transport but here is a friend of the highest order doing this for us and very kind.
Wow what a gorgeous day, beautiful sunshine this morning pouring it's golden healing light straight into my bedroom window. I was a bit sore and wobbly on my legs but the sun and the meds made me feel good. my husband was going to accompany me to see my beloved Tango! I got dressed. organised the apples and carrots and off we went. When we arrived my husband pointed out Pat and Sandra making their way over to us. I got hugs from both of them, bless them I thanked them both Pat had sent some of the most lovely messages and repeated her offer of riding her "big momma bear" and Sandra for her support too. After saying hello to Sandra's 'Ted' and a big love for Pats momma bear, we went off to see Tango my baby girl. Both Pat and Sandra came with us and brought a headcollar, as Tango was in the farthest field right at the bottom. Sandra went to catch Tango for me, how kind was that? She was some distance away and Sandra did not want me walking all that way, I must say I was so grateful for that as my legs were rather shakey. What a blissful morning made all the happier for seeing the girls and meeting their horses too, both of their horses are lovely and I am rather fond of momma bear, she is a very big girl but has a kind eye and a very nice nature. My husband made friends with a grey, got his face licked by Ted.and it was so nice to enjoy all this with him. Tango was a dream and as good as she always is, I adore this gentle darling, stroking her beautiful face is such a privilige, am I ever the luckiest woman in whole wide world? Days like this make life so much more positive I will get through this on the end of Tangos lead rope, with a bag of goodies for her and a grooming kit at my feet. God bless horses and my Tango especially.
I am lucky to have such supportive family and friends, I think sometimes with the pain, sicklyness all the appointments, the chemotherapy treatments, God forgive me, I may not have been as appreciative as I should have been, I can only hope they will forgive me. I had my second treatment a couple of days ago, next day was fabulous again, the following day was a bit painful but heyho up days and down days. I really hope I can see Tango at the weekend before the ...whatever complicated scientific name for my operation is, they are splitting the nerves to stop the pain, again I am lucky because there are not many surgeons in this country who do this and while the operation is not rare it is not a run of the mill kind either. I am optomistic in that I hope to be running around like normal without the pain in tow, I am really excited about getting back to normal, even better when all the treatment is over and I get the all clear hopefully. Back to riding, back to being with Tango at the drop of a hat, enjoying the sunshine, the peace and quiet around the countryside ohh bliss. Such happy days to come and I just can't wait I am itching to get to that point. Anyone who knows what this disease is like I hope you will take heart in the fact that life is beautiful, you can also set the beauty as a goal for your own future.
Arghhhh, if one more well meaning person says 'think positive' I will commit murder, I swear. Anyone who knows me knows I am NOT a defeatist SO THERE! If I were would I have dragged myself out despite feeling like death warmed up? I already know to keep positive for my loved ones I am not a child and surprisingly at 55 years old am actually an adult, thank you very much. These platitudes may make you feel better dear or fill the silence but had you given me chance I would have filled it with something much more appropriate, like nice day isn't it? I know it is hard to know what to say but if that is the case, say so for heavens sake, I prefer honesty to patronising platitudes. I WANT to be with my husband, my daughter, all my family and friends and TANGO all the time, do you really think I want to be ill and not recover? If so you are mad. There are good days where I might get out for half an hour or so and bad days where my bed seems to be the softest comfort away from the pain. Every two days the morphine does not do anything for the pain so it has to be increased. The more it is increased the more sickly I feel and the more sickly the less I feel like eating. This is really a horrid catch 22 situation and until I have the operation on the nerves to stop the pain I will have good and bad days and my bad days I have every right to feel ugh horrid, it does not mean however I am being defeatist, just downright honest. Allow me to be who I am after all I would expect everyone else to be who they are, no more no less. Just like being a horse I suppose, what you see is what you get, like it or lump it. That is what I love about animals, no messing, I'm here in the here and now. Oscar is getting old and crying for attention a lot of the time and sleeping the rest of it, but poor old lad he is so gentle these days he has become so loving and soft, he reminds me of Tango in his gentleness.
It has been a horrendous time in the run up to the chemo therapy, pain so bad I've been climbing the walls with it, meds kept being changed until I got so confused the doctor had to come down to do a review and sort out what I should and should not take, it turned out I was overdosing a couple of times thanks to all the conflicting opinions. Hey ho what madness, still it over now, the meds muddle I mean. I had my first chemo yesterday and last night was again climbing the walls with pain, the kind of pain that limits your breathing. This morning I woke up at 5 which is later than the 2 or 3 in the morning of late. I felt strange, what was missing? God heavens I felt a couple of little niggles but where was all that crippling pain? My legs were wobbly but I suddenly felt free, FREEDOM at last! I cannot believe this, after so long I think it can only be down to the chemo, it must have taken the cancer cells by surprise and bashed it over the head with a lump hammer. If this is the effect of chemo all I can say is roll on the rest of the treatments. I am going to dive down to see Tango at the weekend and load myself up with treats for her, tell her how sorry I am for not having been with her for ages and let her know I love her more dearly than ever. I have to get well for her and love her for the rest of her beautiful life.
Well I bravely got on the scales this morning and had to admit I have lost weight, I now tip the scales at 7 stone 12 and a half pounds, I have not weighed that much since I was 13 years old, I have been 8 stone 7lbs and 9 stone and fluctuating any where between the two. The increase in morphine is making me feel quite sickly in the mornings and still have no apetite. The sun is shining and I wish to goodness I could be out there enjoying the country air with Tango, the feel of her warm soft body as I groom her, the gentle face looking for carrots, the smell of the yard or the field, the birds singing their little heads of and flitting about. The clip clop of her feet as we gently stroll back to her field, me talking utter rubbish to her or murdering some tune that has popped into my head, bless her Tango having her ear turned towards me, to be fair she never criticises me or my terrible singing, she deserves a meddle for not running off when I start.
Well the operation to stop the pain by splitting the nerves to the pancreas is set for the 8th of September, the Macmillan nurse and staff have been such a strong support since they got on board I do not know how we managed before hand, they are worth their weight in gold, honestly, not just for me but for the whole family, God bless them.
Last night I was sweating and writhing in agony even after taking all my meds, dreadful night, so I phoned Macmillan and a professor phoned back with the advice to take double morphine, that sure worked, I had to take double this morning and felt sickly after but it soon wore off. I had another call back to go in for a consultation, it seems there is an operation to stop the pain signals from the nerves around the pancreas. They are going to do this so the morphine does not have to keep being increased virtually every two days. This cancer is quite a darned painful disease I did not realise just how bad it actually was, as I have said before life is one big learning curve and this is one more lesson on my life path. Am I being given an insight into the suffering some others are going through to understand better? To truly know what someone else's life is like in some way? I dearly wish I could take their suffering away from them, I wish I could help in some way. I have been through breakdowns, a divorce, domestic violence with my first husband, now my life is happy and fulfilled with a good husband who loves me dearly, supports me through so much, bless him, the cancer now is teaching me things I never truly understood. While I believe I will recover and there is no doubt about that I feel less scared about death now and absolutely must acheive my goals, i would like a charity that takes someone one on to perpetuate it if the worst were ever to happen and keep it going with all the love and care that can be mustered, for the horses and the people the therapy is aimed at (those who want or need it). I have had so many ideas about the whole set up and want it to include things that have a preparation therapy first before getting to the horses. A retreat where all sorts of therapies can be included for humans and horses and then therapy for both together. So many ideas springing up from my fertile mind and something to aim for when I get the good news at the end of treatment. Well folks I must go feeling queasy again as I have just taken my meds, back tomorrow all being well.
I know I was with Tango so briefly yesterday but it is being played and replayed in my head all the time, her coming over so willingly and being able to stroke her noble head, her friend by her side, there was no barging or pushing or any nasty behaviour at all. Being with horses is just the best medicine ever, being with Tango is even better still for me. What a thrill it is and what an honour to have her standing by me like that.
Today the pain is bad again, it seems that every two days the medication is less likely to be taking any of it away and it is very tiring. I have been told that my medication can be changed to something more powerful so I would need less of it, I just wish they would get on with it, pain is not easy to live with and does tire you out very quickly I cannot remember what feeling normal is like any more. I suppose it will be better tomorrow when I get the new meds though and i will be starting the chemo soon hooray, then watch me get up to all sorts afterwards.
Well what a fabulous couple of days, fantastic. I wrote to my friend, well left a message on her wall really to explain that I would either pay Tangos livery or have her removed by Horseworld, I did not in any way want to take advantage of anyone, I really am not that kind of person honestly. My friend phoned me to say I was not to worry and that Tango will be cared for, how very kind and lovely she was. I did ensure payment was made though because as I say I will not take advantage it is not fair in these difficult economic times. My friend has said she will take photos and tag me with them to see her on line, that is a very kind thing to do for me and very much appreciated.
Well today I went into Tangos field and hey presto over she came bless her. I was thrilled to bits to see her heading towards me. That kind gentle face with all the beauty I remember every hair, marking and big brown eyes. I have missed her so very much, Foxy was next to her so they both got fed carrots Tango by me Foxy by Mike. It was lovely just to stroke her gorgeous face. I had to leave all too soon but it was so well worth it at last I had seen my preciuos girl. i hope when I go through the chemo I will get days when I won't feel too tired to go back.
I would like to mention someone here too Ilil Arbel has been sending me so many horse books it must have cost a fortune sending them from America, this very kind lady who has written various books of her own including The Cinnibar Box (very good read), has been such a great support. I would like her to know that I am indeed very grateful to her for her support.
There are many people who have been so kind to me the list has been enormous and has surprised and delighted me no end at a later date when the pain is not so bad I will mention and put my thanks to them properly on this page. Because I hurt at the moment I hope my friends do not think they are not important because THEY DEFINATELY ARE and I could not go through this without them.
Bored, bored, bored, miss Tango, miss the old me. Great news though, Lily a friend I made on holiday in Orlando a few years ago is coming to see me, how lovely is that? Lily is a real inspiration, she has had cancer 4 times, her health has not been the best by any stretch of the imagination, she really is a courageous lady, fun to be with and a really great lady. To take the time out to come by train and all the blooming changes that involves, stay in a B&B just to come and see me is just amazing, true friendship indeed! How lucky I am to know Lily and what a stroke of luck to meet her on holiday. See even two weeks can lead to meeting someone who touches your life and enriches it so very much. I keep getting told that I am too open and trusting, but do you know what? If I had not been the way I am I would be the loser, yes I have been kicked in the teeth more times than I care to count, but for every nugget of pure gold I find makes the kicks fade into insignificance. My nuggets of gold I keep very close to my heart to keep me warm and nourished through the times that are more challenging. The ones that kick me are then kept at arms length and observed closely so I can pre-empt the next kick and intervene to stop it. I may be seen as a mug or an idiot, wrong very wrong I am not stupid for being the way I am I have been rewarded more than kicked and that is well worth being me, trust me. Put it another way I will not change not for anyone and my beloved family and friends must be aware of that and must also be aware of how valuable the rewards are to me. Whatever my beliefs are on this earth does not matter, what does matter is trying to live my life as honestly as possible and trying to treat others with the respect and dignity I would like to be treated with myself. Surprisingly there are contrary to belief many a young person out there with good morals and principles that deserve to praised for their caring attitudes, there should be no discrimination of any sort, age, race, gender, beliefs etc. We are all human beings trying to live our lives on what is turning out to be one small planet, to be able to do this, love and tolerance should be the things we practice most, before we totally destroy ourselves. Watch horses, they do not group themselves into breeds and colouring do they? In fact they will team up with different species even. Why do we not take a leaf out of their book?
My Pet Peeve.
Believe it or not rudeness comes slowly to me. This week I was tempted not only to be rude but to swear. I have a wife with cancer about to undergo chemotherapy. I have already mentioned this and the fact that she would have to give up her beloved Tango. I should have changed this because apparanty the owner of the stables phoned full of sympathy (?) to say don't worry, she can't let Tango go. I was delighted by this because Ju was happy, though I reserved judgement because of the previous response to the information that we would no longer be able to afford fees and Julia's illness is obviously long term, it was at that time the stable owner said Tango would have to go elsewhere and may have to be considered to be sold as petfood...how hurtful to a horse lover.
Tango's tangled life seems strange here in that the Stable owner had supposedly 'rescued' her in the first place and so was responsible for her welfare. Then she 'sold' Tango to Julia to care for because she couldn't be ridden and made her responsible for monthly stable fees. Yet at the point of Julia's illness is prepared to send a horse she herself rescued to the dog food factory? Unbelievable.
Now after the latest reprieve and being told not to worry Julia receives a phone call to talk about fees again despite having been told there can be none because of our circumstances and Julia's illness. It's left Julia feeling quite sick again as to what will happen to Tango next. I do hope this person doesn't rescue any more horses.
One development yesterday was a phone call that did leave me rather a little upset, it was what was going to happen with Tango, her livery is not due 'til the end of this week and I am being asked to think of the winter, I do understand this maybe an issue but at the moment I don't know when or if I will still be alive or going through chemo or what the hell is happening. If I fall behind in payments then I can understand the panic, but right now is perpelxing to me. Today I have been told I will start the chemo in two weeks time and it will be at my local hospital thankfully. If I can't pay then I will ask horse world to take her, I do not like debt in anyway and thought I had made that perfectly clear. Not being able to eat and being in the dark, still upset over dad and this whole cancer thing has been hell to put it politely I really do not like phone calls that stress over a future that has not arrived yet, would it be wiser to to give her up at this juncture?
What a lazy lifestyle this waiting is, I am an active busy bee usually and am not used to this waiting around business, things should have happened yesterday and if not chase my tail until it did. My sister Muriel told me that it was about time I took it easy and stopped rushing around doing everything. I reckon I definately take after my mum Betty and once a run around always a run around, there is nothing worse for an active person than sitting and waiting. So I cleaned my hall carpet with a mop and washing liquid in the water (you know that stuff used for washing clothes), my sister told me that one (she wasn't happy I went and tried it, she was only telling me that was what she did with her huge rug), by jiminy it works a treat and no hoovering afterwards, it really makes it smell nice as well as lifts the stains. I reckon if I do it on a regular basis my carpets will stay looking like new. Oh and we put some anti bacterial washing up liquid in as we both had animals that were either sick, piddled or pooped on the rug/carpets. Hope that top tip comes in useful folks, ps. If you are a smoker like me it lifts that pong too, even I have to admit that tobacco smoke is rather stinky. This is not however the only thing that I like doing so am still bored out of my pea sized brain, so we are going to clear the house of clutter and have a garage sale after my treatment if and when I get it so I can start to think about setting up a charity. I have sat on my bottom too long over this and now it is annoying me that I have been such a coward in getting it going, no more cowardice, get off my proverbial and get going, lets give these people who are keeping me in the dark and waiting a swift kick up their rear too, stop telling me what I am entitled to and then dumping me with non of it, get off your backsides and let me have my entitlements then, you give it drug users and alcoholics quick enough. I would like an appointment with an oncologist if at all possible not be promised one and left with a hollow promise hanging in the air wondering if it will ever happen at all. Where is the Macmillan nurse? Where is the Social worker? Am I to be left for the cancer to spread and die in the dark with the hollow promises and empty entitlements ringing in my ears? My family have had a shock and are trying desperately to cope with the extra expenses the sequence of events and the hollowness of what should take place to help make me well. Even as unimportant as I am to the world, to my family I do have importance and their feelings DO matter to me a lot, well overridingly all important to me. I know they could cope without me, I have over the years tried my best to make it clear that they should take comfort in where I will be and who I will be with if it happens and will also be keeping an eye on them as well. If that doesn't scare them (keeping an eye on them I mean) nothing will. Well folks for now that is it as it is only early morning and today has not yet got itself into gear yet so who knows what will happen?. .
I think what is most frustrating about having a painful condition like cancer is that, due to taking morphine you are totally reliant on other people. Not allowed to drive, so if your partner can't drive either you are stuffed because you do not have the money to spend on taxis and you are paying for a car you can't drive. The pain is restricting in itself never mind the additional costs of extras like trips to the hospital, doctors, chemists, and panty liners because the illness has rather unfortunate consequences. There you are stuck waiting for appointments to see an oncologist which seem to take forever, you are supposed to have a social worker, well I am still waiting for one, supposed to have a MacMillan nurse, still waiting for that, help with benefits, waiting for that, wait, wait, wait, wait thats all that seems to happen, patients wait, all the while scared to death that all the time the pain is getting worse and wondering is the condition going to spread while I am left to wait, wait, wait.
The pleasure of just picking up my keys to go off into the blue yonder have gone, no wonder people get depressed and fed up, the words that haunt you that you will be ok, you can fight this and recover by having a positive attitude loses its impetus because you keep waiting for promises to materialise. How long do we wait? Should I ring someone? Who will help me? When you get told someone will ring you back in15 minutes and doesn't I lose my rag and don't bother because I hate people doing that to me and it is hard enough keeping the pain at bay. I am desperate to go see Tango but I am at the mercy of getting a lift, has anyone felt the same frustration? God sometimes I just want to bury myself in the bedroom and cry myself silly and why the hell shouldn't I without the platitudes of oh don't do that, don't give up or in to it, as if I am not entitled to these feelings, well news just in YES I AM ENTITLED to. I admit death scares me, I love life and all it offers good or bad but I do envisage a happy after life with mummy and daddy, my family that left me all too quickly. I see a fabulous place with greenery, cottages, my family young, healthy and happy, surrounded by love, sunshine, children playing, animals passing by or in the fields welcoming a friendly stroke or pat and glorious home cooked food on the family table. Going to shows to see Morcombe and Wise, Freddie Mercury and many more. An after life of a dream come true, so what is it that scares me? Leaving behind my beloved husband, daughter, grandson, nieces and nephews, sisters, brothers, friends and so many people I adore and my beloved Tango and Oscar. Today and yesterday have been very painful so far and the gaps between my taking oramorph have been shorter to try to relieve it, oh well may be tomorrow the waiting may be over.........may be!
I am not being mean but please do not take this as a mean streak either, it was lovely to see all the people who visited me in hospital, Iwould have been lost without them, it was when i got home and an endless stream of visitors later I felt totally shattered and exhausted, I really loved to see each and everyone so I could give them hugs. I now feel a bit neglected and at a loose end and it is blooming boring, however it is nice to be able to feel grotty if I feel that way out as well. I am an addict I am sure I am, my slow release morphine has been increased twice I think but I still need the liquid stuff Oramorph and the gaps are getting shorter again. It is sweet, sticky and yuk like whisky or something awful like that. The pain is irritating and niggling in the background on a constant endless round and I am really fed up being this useless to man and beast. Roll on recovery after chemotherapy! I am going to make up this lost time with a vengence so there!
I forgot to say that the endoscopy was not as horrid as I was expecting in fact it was rather facinating, all the scans except the mri were, you see bits of you you never expected. I had an ultra sound and was riveted by it, I got to see my spine and all sorts, and the nice man who operated it told me what was what, half way through though the pain took over so I kind of lost it at that point, that was all about the organs etc. The second ultra sound with all the blood vessels etc was but this guy was a rude and ignorant fellow. I asked to see the screen and he totally ignored me and spoke to the student nurse instead! Pig ignorant, excuse me that is my body if you don't mind! I did get to see it though as well as hear all the blood pumping round...so cool. Before I fell asleep I saw my internal bits on the endoscopy screen and another nice man showed me my spine section, kidneys and a dark area that was wind, hehe somehow I expected that to be so much bigger, but I will not get course here. I can see why people get into being doctors, nurses and specialists etc, the body is amazing, complicated and very fascinating. Caring too I might add, two nurses phoned me to see how I was getting on isn't that kind? It is a funny old life because you kind of really miss the people and friends you make in hospital, there you are desperate to get home only to find yourself missing it like mad. You seem to bond with quite a few people in there very quickly. I was noted for my disappearing tricks though, every time they came to do obsevations I was not there, with the pain relief, I kept absconding to the outside world with my coffee to have a smoke. Those lifts from the third floor were a pain in the butt, I visited every floor every time whether I was going up or down. It did however lead to some mirth with other passengers. I adopted the role of ward clown and kept them either on their toes or giggling over something. I never lied if asked where I was going, if I wanted to smoke I told them. It was too dangerous to tell me not to because a) the amount of tax on a packet of ciggarettes in this country is obscene, b) that tax coming out of wages every week would cripple any wage packet so there, and that is where they would have to get it from. Added to which the tax on fuel for the car is obscene too can you imagine if everyone were asked to pay just my tax on cigs and fuel in a week out of thier wages? £40-£50 per week then multiply it by every smoker and driver in the country? Ha yes I am sure we would all like to see smokers and drivers stop smoking and driving the Government would crumble trying to find those levels of income from elsewhere, we are just sitting ducks for them. Europe and the level market? Don't make me laugh, not when the Government retain the right to bleed us dry for aid abroad, quangos, TVs (plasma) caviar etc, sickening when you think of it. So I do not like inflicting my smoke on those who don't smoke, but some non smokers could at least respect my right to do so if I wish, if they don't like it go back to the tax question. Not that I made my feelings known in no uncertain terms you understand but heaven help the one who gave me dirty looks or said anything.
Yesterday was a wipe out, too tired and in too much pain to even get dressed, disgusting! My doctor came to see me, and had increased the slow release morphine tablets. Bless this poor lady, honestly when I first got the pain it was indicitive of gastritis, it baffled me after a few weeks as I think I have been through virtually every other illness so far. It was such a sudden onslaught of pain it must have taken her by surprise to be fair. After taking last nights and this mornings dose I had a lot more energy to get up, shower and go for lunch in town, after that though had to go home felt a bit wibbly as my brother calls it. I so very much miss my Tango but I will get down there very soon and will keep the progress reports going. If any one else is suffering don't hesitate to comment because if I can help inn any way I would be glad to do so.
Well today I go for an endoscopy and am a bit nervous, however the worst of this is I cannot have anything to eat or drink for six hours. Now, I do not mind skipping food but any caffiene addict will tell you GO WITHOUT COFFEE? IMPOSSIBLE. That is cruel! I do hope to goodness I find out what or when the next steps are or am I better not knowing so I do not fret? Don't know all I really need to know is when can I get to see my fabulous girl? Getting out of a routine of going out of the house with a carrier bag full of prepared carrots, apples and pears, driving off with gay abandon, arriving happy as a lark and seeing her trusting face making her steady way over to me ready for her treats. Picking her feet out, brushing her, talking to her, usual stuff about how good and beautiful she is (surprised her head gets through the gate) but she is a modest old girl and not one bit conceited. Walking down the lane in the peace of it all, just the steady clopping of her feet beside me and a trusting eye by my shoulder, bliss, pure and utter bliss.
Well what a funny old life it is. 8 weeks ago I had horrid pains in my tummy, so I went to the doctor and it was thought to be gastritis, then the pain kept spreading, all the while I could not face food at all the sight of it made me feel sick and I was constipated (sorry but details are important here). 6 weeks later the pain became unbearable and I was sent to hospital. For two weeks I was a mystery and then came the scans, 2 ultra sounds, MRI, and CT. My lovely consultant told me I had a shadow on my pancreas. OOps, little cry what is it? Well he would not be drawn as this was not his area of expertise and there was to be a meeting between a lot of big people involved. Had to tell my family and that was what made me cry, they would panic. My husband who is Bi-polar, arthritic, diabetic and has unstable angina, now his rock was crumbling from the inside, my beautiful daughter whose smile lights up the world with sunshine, my gorgeous nieces Karen and Jo, my sisters after us just losing Daddy, my nephew bless him, oh dear. For a couple of days we hoped it would be a cyst, panreatitis etc. Then a nice smile from a really nice member of my consultants team told me likely cancer. A real brick in the face, during this I kept Penny informed as I was concerned about Tango and frustrated that every time I went home my pain relief was inadequate and ended up going back to hospital.
When I was told it was likely cancer I must admit I did expect it really, what I did not expect was straight after being told and informing everyone, was the phone call I got. After the panic of how to tell my family, I toddled down for a smoke outside, this was where I was sitting with a good friend I had made, the phone rang, I was told that I would have to think about selling, finding a home for Tango or even worse think about having her put down. I went back to the ward and sobbed my heart out, I'd just lost my dad who loved Tango, been told I'd got cancer now this. The loss of Pilgrim was earth shattering to lose Tango was the final kick while I was certainly at my very lowest I could be, but then our finanaces have been decimated by the idiots who think my husband is well and fit. The question that arises here though is why the hell was she on the yard for so long before I bought and paid for her? I know this girl cannot be ridden but otherwise she is fine, her gentle kindness is a real pleasure to be around and she so easy to fall in love with, Tango would be the perfect therapy horse if only I could get some land for her and get her suitable company.
The upshot of all this is folks, just before I left the hospital (with adequate pain relief) I got another phone call from Penny (to whom I am very grateful) to say, not to worry Tango will be ok and that she could not do it, so I guess Tango will be staying put, I sure hope so, I do understand that in this economic climate no-one can afford to spare anything these days, it is hard going just to pay bills, been there, done that all my life, had a comfy period and now back to tight belt again. I took my health for granted and nothing touched me, I had arthritis of the spine, osteoporosis, scolliosis and thought that painful, now it seems I am mortal and have been affected, but Lord there is so much I want to get done before I die (which will probably be when I am in my hundreds) let me at it for goodness sake.
It s with great sadness that I have to say that Julia has had to give up Tango and that she will now be going to a rescue centre for Horses to be looked after. Julia has just had a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer and has been in hosptal for 3 weeks. She has pain relief but is waiting for transfer to a specialist unit in Liverpool. If those of you who read the blog would be interested in reading about her progress please make a comment or add a story you think might help and I'll add the progress to this diary.
I remember taking Dad to see Tango, he was most impressed with her. My lovely friend Penny took some pictures of me stood near her head, I printed one off and put it in a frame for darling daddy. Dad kept that picture by the side of his chair at the home, according to his friends he kept looking at it. I do remember that whenever I went to see him he kept saying 'there is something about that horse, I think she and I would get on'. Tango was loved by dad and that was such an emotional thing for me. Dad was not really a horse person, nor did he ever say that about Pilgrim, he liked Pilgrim don't get me wrong, I guess Tangos gentleness shines out from her eyes and there is no question about it, dad was a gentle man. Dad passed away late Saturday 2nd of July and I could not get down to Tango for a while. I managed it for a short time yesterday and bless her heart she came over and we stood, her scrunching away down my ear and drooling, me talking and stroking her. She followed me everywhere when I went to check her water and things. God bless this gentle mare, I gave her dads love and a bag of goodies, but it was so hard to leave her. I now have dads picture that sat at the side of his chair and all I can hear are his words of recognition of her nature, if a non horsey man can see it I know I have not been wrong in my selection being with this compationate girl who gives me more in love than I can ever repay her, I will strive to the end to show her in any way I can just how loved she is.
I have started to read a book Not Quite A Horse Woman by Caroline Akrill, I have to say I was in fits of giggles from the word go with this one and it brought back some very vivid memories. Pilgrim had quite a palate and loved eating especially banana, cabbage etc not in vast quantities but enough to cause a slightly unfortunate problem. We were double long line lunging him and as I gave my friend the reins and stood outside the gate to watch, just as Pilgrim reached where I was standing his problem exploded with all the volume of a shotgun going off , only it continued a full circuit, by which time my friend and I were two heaps on the floor rolling around like idiots, Pilgrim bless him stood there totally puzzled by our antics. When the fog lifted and we were semi recovered we had a break before continuing.
I remember too, all the riding schools and instructors, oh boy, the 'heels down brigade' I later nicknamed them. Now I know there are fabulous schools and teachers/trainers and the horse world has really changed a lot, but in those days all I ever seemed to hear was HEELS DOWN, I never got beyond walking in endless circles doing nothing but getting shouted at. I was bored, the horse was SO bored its head was nearly dragging on the floor, horrid, horrid, horrid. As we moved around I would find a riding school to occupy my horse mad brain. I remember when I had moved to one area and had only had a few 'HEELS DOWN!' lessons, when asked if I had ridden before, naturally I said yes (I was only a child at the time) and was put on a hard mouthed pony. Off we went in a large group for a hack, hey this was fun, we came to a wooodland path and I was told to wait here. I tried honestly I did, everyone else galloped off in cloud of dust, the next thing my pony bolted 'I'm not getting left behind', there were no brakes and I had no experience of cantering never mind galloping. I was not hurt lying there in the dust so I got up only to get bellowed at for letting the pony go. Mum was fuming when I told her in floods of tears. If when they asked me they had said 'can you ride?' the answer would have been a lot different to 'have you ridden before?'. Well all I can say is it was a very valuable lesson allbeit a humiliating one, it stood me in good stead later in life. When I cameback to riding in my 53rd year I went to another of these heels down brigade stables but asked to go on a hack after endless boring walk and trot lessons, I was bolted with again, ha, easy peasy, stuck to the saddle like super glue, this time however the cob could not ignore her head being taken in a sideways direction with the inside rein and it took all the heat out of the run, she was stock still in minutes, (I kind of enjoyed it and felt sorry both the cob and myself as we had to stop because the young 'instructor' was scared of going beyond slow) that was self taught from the only other time it happened way back then.
I remember the first time out on a hack at somewhere different, I was actually asked if I would like to canter, good teacher, so plucking up every inch of courage I said yes, off we went. I actually enjoyed it after a few minutes, after that I was eager to canter at every opportunity. I even plucked up the courage to jump, this was the fun place where I learned more by just sheer enjoyment than by being bellowed at in dreary school with bored numb ponies that only pick up when they see a schooling whip. (I hate whips never mind the poor ponies and horses). If something can't be done through love, respect, kindness and fun then to me it is not worth doing, if that makes me an idiot then I am an idiot but a very happy and blissfully ignorant one thank you very much and the horses are very happy and blissfully ignorant ones too, because they never have shown me any harm. As an oldie now and seeing some really excellent studies into a horses nature and behaviour as well as the subtlties of their own language has given me renewed passion for being with them, learning how to handle them in a way that approximates their language without the horrific bellows of 'GIVE HER A SLAP, HARDER!' Never again will I ever let anyone persuade me to carry a flipping whip. I would never allow one near Pilgrim nor now near Tango, two kind horses that NEVER deserved to see one in the first place let alone get beaten by them. I sometimes wish I had the people who committed those crimes to my two loves because I would really like to repay them with interest and yes it would be an exception to my rule of never having a whip in my hand. I cannot help getting cross or angry, the results of what they did were so visible and will stay with them for life, the fear can subside with love and care but the memory is never truly erased.
Well I went down to see Tango despite being uncomfortable, because I could not bear being away any longer, I guess someone somewhere will relate to that, you love your horse so much you want to be with them 24/7. Anyway I took the camera in hopes to get some good pics and darn it, the blooming thing needed new batteries, typical, that will teach me to check it first! The three girls were near the top waiting in line for a drink, Cleo naturally first, she is the dominant one anyway then Foxy and Tango together, bosom buddies. When they saw me they came over Tango needed no encouragement but unfortunately Cleo was first in line again so Tango and Foxy had to wait until she had had her fuss and I backed Cleo off. I sat on the stile and a little nose appeared followed by another, the bosom buddies, so carrot in each hand I reached out behind me and both got a carrot at the same time, the scrunching by my ear was loud but fabulous as was the sniffing of my hair. I threw some over a distance away to distract Cleo, by the time that the girls had scrunched through their share Cleo was still busy looking for missed carrot. They stood for another stroke and fuss then ambled towards some shade but Cleo had missed a bit of carrot and Tango was hoovering it up and scrunching quite happily when I left. That girl is as sharp as a tack and nothing gets by her at all and yet for one so intelligent and quick off the mark she is so gentle and kind. When horses came into my life I could not believe how lucky we as humans are to ever have them as our soul mates. They do put up with so much from us and those who love them as individuals may well appreciate what an honour it is to be loved back by them.
This not a moan people I promise, have you ever been in enough pain you don't know where to put yourself or what you can do other than wish you were finished or extinguished? I know my mother must have felt like that for years, every bone in her body riddled with rhumetoid arthritis, it was especially cruel for someone who kept active and had a very intelligent brain, since her passing dad gave up really, I have tried everything to keep him interested. I took him in his wheelcahir with oxygen down to Staroak to see our Tango, I think he was very impressed with her. One of the photographs Penny took of me with tango, I put in a frame and put it on his side table, he seems to love it. Dad keeps saying there is something in her face he really loves. That was qite a remark for someone who has never really been a horse person. Intuition plays a huge part in whether someone be it human or animal, that tells us whether we are compatible, I feel it happened with Pil and it sure has with Tango, I feel they both had the X factor character wise.
I am convinced that Tango would be an ideal candidate for therapy for people and make an excellent job of it. What do I do? Should I go on an EAGALA course? Then find somewhere private to keep her? I could not keep her on her own that would not be fair to her, it would entail looking for a rescue with a similar nature. Without adequate funds the whole thing scares me to death but I feel desperate to set this up here in Wales. It is lovely that there are places in England but the travel for our own is prohibitive and in Liverpool they concentrate on the youths from their own area so there are no spaces for others. We too have people serving in the forces, emergency services and an awful lot of people with psychological problems. Those in terrible pain who become depressed need some form of help to forget or at least focus for a little while on something beautiful. Why should I alone enjoy such a privilege with such a horse? Her personality should be seen and enjoyed by others who would benefit. I feel so honoured and just not worthy compared to Tango but could not cope without her. As I have mentioned before, a flight animal whose natural instinct is fear and run to actually wordlessly give its trust to really scary humans is a privilege indeed it must NEVER be abused in any way. To gain trust and respect it MUST be earned, to use abuse just creates obedience through fear and hatred, as well as flight at the first opportunity. We are alive fora short while on this earth why make it intollerable for others and miserable for the self? There is great pleasure in chilling out, taking time and being rewarded through generousity and life is much nicer for all.
My parents NEVER used violence and yet I respected them and loved them, they had rules and they got broken on the odd ocassion but we were punished by the withdrawl of something nice or just a telling off was enough. They were kind and patient and took time to teach us good manners of which I am proud. they worked hard, didn't have much money but boy what a lucky happy family. One thing stands out in those teachings TREAT OTHERS AS YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED to me that includes any species. Follow rules by all means but mistakes are made allow them but by using intelligence you can engender obedience with kindness rather than brutality, it works so much better because the person or species tries harder for the kind person than the brutal one. This is from personal experience as well as watching good horsemen and women in action. One lady to came to asisst me with Pilgrim could get him to jump through hoops with her good ways, maybe I lacked enough knowledge at that timebut, through watching this lady and seeing Pilgrims progress it was something to behold. Whatever anyones opinion of this trainer is this and that trainer is that, I do not get into arguements about who is the better or more honest and nit picking over personalities, I am not interested in silly squabbles, what does interest me is how the horse reacts, what is best for the horse and what suits my nature. I know my nature and have come to terms with the fact I DO NOT want to change it, if I can be kind I will pick that path EVERY time. I like the methods of Kelly Marks and Monty that is the way that suits me and seems to prove to suit the horses I have had. Brutality or negelct certainly did not suit them and made them remedial. Tango was a little poll shy to start, now you would not believe she ever was. I do not propose that every one do this or follow this path at all, I am not into dictatorship or advisory, I would just like people to think, 'WELL, HOW WOULD I FEEL IF SOMEONE DID THAT TO ME?
Woke up this morning about 5.45 am in agony, tummy still not right and my back was murderous, if only I had a gun I would have finished it there and then, I just felt I could not take any more of it. Blast, I forced myself to lie there until 7 ish, got up used the tens machine, had a coffee and took pain killers, then the tummy struck with a vengence, by the time hubby came in I burst into floods of tears. How damned annoying, there are people out there in far worse state than me how dare I? I fed the fish then fed Oscar our famous cat (and a Diva to boot). Chopped up a load of carrots, some apples and a couple of pears, soon be time to see my beloved girl Tango........to be continued when I return from visiting her..........
Well back now, when I went into her field she was way down the other end, a couple of calls and a small walk just a few feet , I turned sideways when I saw her look up and averted my eyes, a quick flick of the eyes told me she was on her way so I turned my back and edged forward a few steps, then waited, sure enough there came her nose to my left arm . Slowly I turned my body towards her right side with my eyes down cast, then pulled a carrot out talking quietly to her. I got her halter on slowly and gently then off we went. Unbeknown to me the others came to join us ohoh escape committee! So it was a delicate operation going out of the gate without the others sneaking around us. Phew made it, us on the outside them stuck inside, what a relief. Tango and I sauntered off to do our usual. I am so very proud of this girl, Georgia came over to see her and said how well she has filled out now, I notice her coat has a sheen to it now and she looks every inch a thoroughbred and stunning. It isn't her looks that do it though she is a beauty, it is her generousity, gentleness, kindness and she is a giver all the way down the line. I know in her past she came third in two races, it may not be stardom to some people but do you know what? I found statistics that claim that 43% of race horses have some damage to tendons before fully adult, I have read of nose bleeds, been told of lungs bursting and all sorts of horror stories, then there are whips (hate them). The lust for money has led to so many needing rescuing, my girl included, her 2 third places are amazing to me because I would bet any thing you like, she gave her all and tried like mad to do her utmost. That is why Tango is the most beautiful horse in the world, I loved Pilgrim with all my heart, but this girl IS my heart. I am sorry if this offends those in the racing fraternity, there are those who really care about their horses and treat them well, it is not those people I include within any form of dislike at all. ANYONE who cares for their horses have my blessings and grateful thanks whatever their sport of choice.
What a glorious day, very sunny and warm, I had prepared Tangos apples, pears and carrots and was itching to get to her. I parked my car, got her bag out and went to get her halter and lead rope as well as the key for her gate and set off. To be honest I sauntered up the lane as it was such a glorious day. Tango was part way down the field so I called out to her, her head raised then dropped again so, I called out 'come on lass' as her head came up I half turned to invite her over, and over she came so I turned my back towards her and waited till her nose touched my side.
We did our ususual sauntering towards the yard with a graze her and there on the way down. After grooming and feet picking as well as filling a tummy with carrots, pears and apples, we headed back, very slowly with her selecting nice tasty bits of grass. What took me completely by surprise was, she headed straight for a drink and then came straight back to me and stood by my side, so extra fuss and talking gently to her until the boss mare got in our way, Tango shot off, only to come round the back of this mare to return to me again, so there we stood her nodding a sleepy nod as I massaged her poll and talked low and quiet to her. It was the most amazing session I think I have ever had with this beauty. To have had the love and trust of Pilgrim was a miracle but to have it with Tango now as well is pretty mind blowing. Ok so I cried with pure joy, I am and have been honoured, humbled and amazed by the tust animals have shown me, but these horses, so gentle, so kind telling me in the only way they can that they feel something akin to how I feel for them blows me away. I wish I could surround myself with horses all day every day. I have tried my very best to show them that I trust and love them and would never use a whip, never use harshness in my handling of them, indeed using the methods shown to me by gentle horsemanship using the horses own language, from experience of using it I can say it obviously works. The kind of horse that attracts me the most are the ones whose eyes seem to speak to me, even though I love them all. It appears to me to be those that have had a history of some form of abuse, their eyes seem to tell it all somehow.
When I arrived at Tangos field this morning, Tango was a dot in the distance. I had no sooner started to scale the stile when the dot started moving, I'm glad to say I had my camera ready on video mode.( I have put the video on my facebook wall) She came straight over to me, I was thrilled to say the least. That long easy swinging stride of a thoroughbred eating the distance up as if it were nothing. She is poetry in motion, as it was windy she occassionally swung her head to make sure she was safe. My God she is beautiful, just watching her walking along is fabulous. Once groomed, feet picked out and her tummy full of carrots, apples and pears, back we went, I made sure the water trough was full and stood watching the three of them in the field. There can be no doubt that Tango and Georgias pony have a very close bond, as Tangos best friend spooked Tango walked with her almost as if to say 'its ok I'm here, relax'. As for the dominant mare Tango keeps well clear should she get too close for comfort. Absolute bliss, birds singing away, the trees swaying in the breeze, the beauty of the horses in the fields, a whinny from some of them in neighboring fields, there is a small hole in one hedge and sometimes I get a glimpse of a couple of the geldings who stand and watch me watching them, I have to say the boys are rather handsome appaloosas indeed. One of them has ink coloured muzzle, under his cheeks and around his his eyes, making him look as if someone has given him a make over to accentuate his eyes, very handsome with his grey coat. This place should be bottled and sold as the best stress buster ever, they would make a fortune.
OHHHHH KAAAAY, so they say horses are unpredictable, hmmm. Climbed into Tangos field and the three reprobates were half way down the field. Tango looked at me and stuck her head straight down again...FOOD preoccupying her totally. So I went over to her water trough and totally pretended she was not there, as I half turned I caught a glimpse of her making her way over, her head lowered and striding with a purpose in a half circular route towards me. I turned with my back fully towards her and she was soon at my side, bless this little love, honestly I have never known (Other than Pilgrim) such sweetness. She is patient too, at one time she was quite nervous when anything went near her poll ( a place near the back of the ears ), now she is so chilled out about it. I wonder if in her retirement she is begining to realise that life is good for her and that these puny humans actually love her to bits. There is no doubt about one thing, she really loves her carrots, apples and pears she gets when I groom and pick her feet out. She is never pushy and bargy, it is just funny watching her neck stretch and her lips wriggle in anticipation every time she hears the rustle of a carrier bag. I may be spoiling her but with her past I don't care, so long as she is healthy, happy and fit. If I could rescue other horses from bad situations I would do no less for them and show them the nicer side of life with humans who love them, have respect for their individuality and enjoy contact with them at every given opportunity.
I had taken her back and just as we reached her gate I met the lovely lady who tried to help with rounding the escapees up, the embarassing time Cleo and her friend escaped, anyway we got into conversation and I mentioned I fancied going riding for the disabled. Lo and behold this lovely lady said she took her daughter to a really nice place and would I like to go and see it with her? How kind is that? I am constantly amazed at the kind generosity of people, it just goes to show that in this world one should never despair as I once did, I had my fair share of being trodden on and walked all over, now look, my family, Staroak Stud and everyone there, this lovely lady, it really is something to thank my lucky stars for. Is it Mum still looking after me? Whatever has the influence up there I am so very grateful and really appreciate such kind heartedness. As I reflect on the conversation of our chat, when I was asked about Tango and explained she could not be ridden I likened having her as having an overgrown puppy. I know it is not the nicest analogy in the world for such equine perfection, but she comes to me like one, she leads like one (a very well trained one I might add), she is groomed and fussed like one and if I could sit her on my knee and hug her I would probably do that as well! My love for her is so great and her gentle nature deserves it all.
Yahoo, at last after 9 days away from Staroak and my beloved Tango, I went to see her. For a horrendous time in agony it was such a relief to be where I feel relaxed and happy spending time with the most beautiful horse in the whole wide world. I adore this gentle mare who has not a bad bone in her body every inch of her is affectionate and gentle. Peace is all around and just gazing over the field to see her is bliss. When I arrived she was laying down and nodding so I just hung over the style as I went in to undo the padlock, she got up and hovvered close but the coming over has faltered somewhat, I'm not too worried it won't be long before it is back, this girl will know it is time for fuss and treats pdq (pretty darned quick). We went back to the yard and boy had she ever been rolling around, one very mud caked lass. So it was carrot, brush, apple brush and so on. I must have touched a ticklish spot a bit too lightly because she stamped her foot, woops, at least she didn't kick out, bless her. Good as gold picking her feet out and she has it taped to a T, by golly she can lift those feet really high, I hardly have to bend at all she is a gem. It just seems to go too quick for me, in what seems no time at all, we wander slowly back to the field. I let her go with a farewell fuss and go and check the water levels, then go to tidy the yard. I adore being there, I love being with Penny, Peter and Georgia and all the girls, it is a shame that my days have changed as I will miss the others over the weekends. It is too late at this time to put Tango in foal but next year fingers crossed, I think she will be a fabulous mum and would hope her progeny will carry her gorgeous nature. She is a real star. .
Friday 10th June fantasy.
I was looking down the field. All three horses were grazing quietly. Cleo who was definately the boss and Georgia's pony who is a real sweetie paid no real attention but Tango's head came up with interest as I rusted the bag in my hands and whistled gently.
You could almost see Tango thinking"Hmmm, I wonder what's in the bag today" as she started up the field in my direction. She was about halfway up when the pony realised she'd gone and started to follow. Cleo's head remained stubbornly down.
Tango reached me and brought her head right up to mine over the fence. Her lower lip slobbered and he ran it up my cheek like a kiss. In return I brought a carrot out of the bag and watched fascinated as she took the whole thing, drawing it into her mouth with her lips like a child eating a piece of spaghetti. She was ready for another which she got as soon as she nuzzled my hand. After that I broke a pear in half and laughed as she took the fist half and started dribbling like a baby. There was slobber everywhere but the piece was soon gone and the great head started nudging my hand for more. I gave her the other half and saw the pony approaching. To prevent any feeding problems I broke a carrot in half and threw it a short distance away for her to eat. We were almost at the bottom of the bag now when Cleo decided as boss that it was her turn and so the last carrot was tossed towards her as she approached.
I stood telling Tango what a beautiful girl she is but I'm sure she knew that already. The pony came for a stroke so both hands were occupied. Lucky for me that Cleo having eaten decided I was of no more interest and took to grazing again. Having by now had enough of my attentions both Tango and the pony drifted a little and with a last look at me and the empty bag resumed their grazing too.
I stood for a few more minutes just drinking in the sunshine and the peace and tranquility of the morning.
You could almost see Tango thinking"Hmmm, I wonder what's in the bag today" as she started up the field in my direction. She was about halfway up when the pony realised she'd gone and started to follow. Cleo's head remained stubbornly down.
Tango reached me and brought her head right up to mine over the fence. Her lower lip slobbered and he ran it up my cheek like a kiss. In return I brought a carrot out of the bag and watched fascinated as she took the whole thing, drawing it into her mouth with her lips like a child eating a piece of spaghetti. She was ready for another which she got as soon as she nuzzled my hand. After that I broke a pear in half and laughed as she took the fist half and started dribbling like a baby. There was slobber everywhere but the piece was soon gone and the great head started nudging my hand for more. I gave her the other half and saw the pony approaching. To prevent any feeding problems I broke a carrot in half and threw it a short distance away for her to eat. We were almost at the bottom of the bag now when Cleo decided as boss that it was her turn and so the last carrot was tossed towards her as she approached.
I stood telling Tango what a beautiful girl she is but I'm sure she knew that already. The pony came for a stroke so both hands were occupied. Lucky for me that Cleo having eaten decided I was of no more interest and took to grazing again. Having by now had enough of my attentions both Tango and the pony drifted a little and with a last look at me and the empty bag resumed their grazing too.
I stood for a few more minutes just drinking in the sunshine and the peace and tranquility of the morning.
Thoughts from the field.
How horrid, could not go to see my beloved Tango today, devestated. I actually went to my doctor yesterday, as I have not been able to eat, been in agony and totally bloated, I looked 9 months pregnant. Turned out to be gastritis, how flaming annoying! 3 mornings a week I get to spend with my sweetheart and even that got put off. Happiness, heaven and bliss is being with the horse you love so very much, the peace and quiet of where your horse is and no doubt about it the wonderful friends who are there, those who support and encourage, who are honest and straight with you but treat you with respect and on an equal footing.
Well who would have thought it? Just to be on the safe side I did not bring Tango onto the yard today. So I had my camera at the ready, my carrots etc in the carrier bag, and set off for her field. I arrived and started to enter the field, ahha Tango spotted me and was on her way over before I could get in there. I will be putting the small sequence of photos on the album page. Reminded me how like Pilgrim but without the dominance side to her. What a sweetie, no more hikes down the field, I do not even have to rustle the carrier bag, so going to save my poor old legs, well hers are longer than mine you know, plus she has four to my paltry two How could anyone not love any animal that comes to from choice? Ok so she knows I treat her but with her past and her age why the heck not? I too am getting older and decrepit and enjoy a treat too. This is sheer heaven being with her and she stays for rubs and scratches, beautiful, gorgeous girl. Its in the eyes I feel something a connection, the minute I saw her something clicked, well it has and I love it.
Well this morning was certainly different for both Tango and I. I could not bring her into the yard this morning, it seems there was a bit of a cough going round, so she was better kept well away in her field. I took my bag of goodies which I intended to distribute around the field, ha, Tango had other ideas. Does anyone remember a cartoon strip called The Perishers? One character called Masie could hear the rustle of a sweetie bag from miles away, Tango is her to a T. One rustle of the carrier bag and her ears pricked up, head went down and she came straight over. Her two field mates took no notice whatsoever. So there we stood doing exactly what all my training told me not to, feeding her treats in a field with others, but we stood there in perfect peace, she had carrots and pears, slobbering all over my boots. It was only when I finished and started to give her a scratch that one of the others decided she wanted a fuss too we were joined by the others. Well there lies a trick for me when madam is right down the other end of the field in future, put a piece of carrot in a carrier and give it a rustle, blooming little Masie.
Yesterday was good, Tango was not too far from the gate, just as well really I felt like an old crock. When we got to the yard gate we came face to face with Penny leading a mare with a long legged foal at foot, Tangos' head went up another foot and ears pricked as she stood rock still. Bless her heart I feel sure foals evoke something in her and my heart melts to see it. I cannot explain this for the life of me, but, when I observe her watching foals it really pulls on my emotions. This gentle, kind and loving girl is either remembering her own from the past, maybe she is a naturally good mother and dreams of her own, or am I just being silly. The reaction to her actions cannot be explained it is just a gut feeling, like a hazy message direct to my heart. All foals are blessed with such cuteness but common sense tells me they are expensive, hard work and at my age and state of health with limited purse strings I can just as easily say no. It is Tango herself who is important to me so do I override my own feelings for her sake or should I give her a fulfilled life and allow her a well fed happy life with her own foal at foot and nobody to take it away ?
We tied up in the yard and started the grooming, interspersed with carrots etc and she started to nod off in the sunshine (wasn't raining for once). All her feet picked out, she has started pre-empting which foot to lift in sequence. and coat fairly free of dirt I was chatting to one of nice young girls who has a pony there, as I was chatting I held my hand with nails forward, Tango decides to do her usual trick of scratching her own head against my nails. It may not be funny to others but I find it hilarious. She is not pushing me or nudging, just simply nodding her head up and down for a good old scratch. I know a couple of horses that seem to enjoy their bottoms scratched, I have never tried this with Tango yet.
Well WE went this morning to see Tango (hubby and I). My husband was on two walking sticks so it was a new experience for Tango, oh and it was raining as well. I got her bag of goodies out of the car, fetched her grooming kit from the tack room and off we went to catch mi'lady. No prizes for guessing she was at the far end of the field again, I swear she finds it amusing. Anyway as I got close to Tango the dominant mare and Tangos friend decided to go round the back of her and start moving towards the gate. Here we go again, haltered Tango and set off, with the dominant keeping aside to her, so I twirled the end of the lead rope to keep her on the side to control where she went (little miss dominant). All went well I'm glad to say and the dominant mare is beging to get the message I mean business when I want her to move away or back up. Got Tango out but she spooked at the stranger with two sticks, hubby backed off while I gave her a stroke and told her not to worry it was just daddy and no-one would hurt her. She nibbled the grass while I made sure the gate was closed fully and off we went.
This was something new to baby girl, having someone with two sticks offering her carrots. I am glad really the more new experiences she has the less it will worry her, calm stroking, level voice and pretend there is nothing unusual and she will pick up on it being nothing scarey. I did giggle my head off at one point, hubby had a carrot in his hand and she desperately wanted it but was too nervous to go right up to him for it, she kept her body well back, lips stretching and wiggling before she attempted to see how far her neck would reach, she made it! Bless her, I don't know her past and what treatment she had back then but it was reminiscent of Pilgrim, the only difference being he had total trust in me, it is getting there with Tango, she did spook but not in enormous amounts. She jumped a little on the way back to her field but keeping it level calm again she was fine. At least she isn't overreacting which is good. The best part for me is that my family members can see why I love her so much and with time they will grow to love her as they loved little Pil. Tango is a great girl and I do not care if I never ride her, just having her company is a real blessing. A good lady offered a sit on her horse who is I call a momma bear and gorgeous, is that not just the kindest offer? What really humbles me is it has not been a one off casual sort of thing, this a genuine lovely offer made by a genuine kind lady. Another kind lady has offered a ride as well, also the stud owners have in the past, what tremendous people. As my spine has a curvature I am only worried my seat may not be true and I do not want to unbalance their horses or having to make adjustments for my seat and getting into bad habits or incorrect balance and movement. How lucky though can one women get? From being suicidal at one livery to pure HEAVEN and BLISS and HAPPINESS at STAROAK STUD. Someone up there has sent me a dream to live and I sure am so grateful.
Poor little Tango, really the indignity of it! Let me explain, I have been thinking of letting her have her own foal. To do this there are test swabs to be done to ensure she has no disease that could be passed to her future ummm husband, one night stand umm fling whatever. I had brought her fom her field no problem (and NO escapees), picked her feet out, fed her carrots, apple and a pear. We had to wait for the vet and this perplexed her a little, she kept looking at me as if to say 'why are we not going back?' When the vet arrived I had to take her into a stable and back her rear end to the door so the vet could do the swabs. She did look rather surprised and a little offended but again behaved like a true lady even if she had an indignant expression. Now we wait for a few weeks to see if all is well and if so this time next year.....
OH MY GOODNESS! Horror, panic and nightmare. This morning I took daddy to see Tango, lovely so far. With the wind being too much for him (daddy) he wanted to stay in the car, so I wound the windows down a little and had the car facing the yard for him. Off I went to catch Tango, no problem in fact she started to head for me today, cute. Put her halter on, led her to the gate, started to open the gate and lead her through when the nightmare happened, the dominant mare came round the back of Tango and barged through with the other friend of Tango, ARGHHHH, loose horses in the lane! My worst nightmare ever. A very nice lady walking her dog tried to help, her dog slipped its lead which lead to further chaos. Very helpfully the lady went and got Penny, Peter and Georgia, was I ever pleased to see them! Tango had been dancing on her toes during all this getting quite excited about the prospect of a free roam around, but, do you know she did not once cause me any problems, she didn't pull, didn't get bargy or pushy and stayed with me. Even in the heat of the moment and excitement she remained under control. What a girl, is there any wonder I am so proud of her? Her manners, her loveliness, sweet nature just glare out like a beacon. Love her so very much. The vet is coming to take a swab to make sure all is well to have her put in foal, so excited, a foal with Tango how incredible, I hope the foal has all her traits and character. It is at times like this I can really see the characters coming through, the dominant mares dtermination to rule the roost no matter what, the bays follow my leader, well both Tango and the dominant were out so why she not be? Tango would have had fun if she had not got her puny (but harmless) human at the end of her rope, her inordinately good manners preventing her from being a hand full.
What a magical morning, went down to see Tango a little later than usual, all was quiet on the yard, strange for a saturday, but it was peaceful and calm and immediately relaxed me. Don't get me wrong I love the girls there, they are such nice people you couldn't feel any other way about them. I went into Tangos' field and calm as anything caught her and went back to the yard. She is a superstar honestly, but what a little munchkin. She does not barge or get stroppy when feeding her carrots, apples and pears ( bananas or not her thing, I gave her one tiny little piece and she just spat it out as if to say pah yuk what the hell was that? so no banana for her then). She really enjoyed her treats and grooming, and going through the gate to the yard she is learning to ground tie (stopping and waiting until I call her forward), it may not be full blown ground tying but it is a step towards getting there, so proud of her. Back to her field, when she was released she went for her water and I went to check the levels walking side by side with her. I went to top it up but hovered by the gate with my back towards her, next thing I knew a little muzzle was by my shoulder. Lots of loving and scratches later I went to turn the tap on, how fabulous is she?
Exciting thoughts of having a foal from her as she is fit enough now, it is not as important as knowing and being with her but, it will be a legacy for her to keep her loving soul a real mark on life. I could not bear the thought of anything happening to her but, if and when her baby will keep her legacy going. Bless my beloved Tango.
Well Tangos' tendons seem to be healing, there is a knot, small but a knot when you gently run your hand down her leg, but then that will be scar tissue and at her age now she will never be ridden. We will however walk (side by side) a small course in the school together, what I believe to be a trail in western parlance. Will she be able to have a foal next year I wonder? I am told she is not too old yet but will have to see how she is, she certainly shows a lot of interest in foals passing her field, bless her heart. If she did I hope the foal would have her gentle nature, I feel sure it would, Tango is so loving and a very experienced lady. Oh well this is future thoughts, for now am I ever a happy, lucky woman.
What would I do without Tango? I just would not cope, not with the pain, not with the daily struggle and obstacles thrown in my path. Helping dad and hubby when needed would be nigh on impossible. They are both fabulous people do not get me wrong, I love them so very much, it is just that sometimes every one runs out of strength and steam to cope with what life brings. That is why people have holidays, trips away to re-charge thier batteries, when there are no holidays there has to be a high light somewhere, mine is Tango. Peace, joy, love, quiet and relaxed, no expectations, no promises, no demands, just gentle peace and loving contact is pure blissful joy.
I had agood day with Tango today, nose to nose sniffing when I let her go back into the field, scratching her forehead, lots of love and contact ,superb. I remembered Pilgrim doing a lot of nose to nose sniffing. One incident came to mind quite strongly when I was remembering him. One evening I got a phone call from the livery to say no-one could catch him to take him in. Off I went with my husband, it was pitch black, blowing a gale and raining very hard. As I walked up the path my husband said Pilgrim was moving towards the gate. Sure enough the little love was waiting for me, I put his halter on and started walking back to his stable, my husband behind us with two walking sticks clacking away. Pilgrim stayed with me totally relaxed and happy despite the dark, the gale force wind and horrid rain and the clacking behind him. I pray Tango will gain that level of trust with me, although at the stud where she is, I rest easy because I know how well she and her friends are looked after, I could think of nowhere better for horses and people for that matter. I absolutely love the place and the owners.
Having osteoarthritis and osteoporosis riding is a hit and miss affair, I could only do it on good days if I am lucky, but as I cannot afford two horses and Tango cannot be ridden, I am a bit up the junction really. I will admit I miss it terribly and I do cry that I am so useless. When it gets really bad I cannot even leave my bedroom and the depression really kicks in. My dream can still happen though if there is help available, I will not give it up. Even if it ended up being one horse and one person who I could help I would still try for that one person and one horse.
Tango and I have a way to go with our relationship, the joy is in the journey together. Watching her move with her beauty, grace and dignity, her gentle behaviour. Her piggy eating, I reckon if I let her she would stuff the lot in her mouth in one go making her look like a giant hamster, funny girl.
Having looked at therapy with horses and being around Tango, I am even more convinced of a spiritual connection or if you prefer a feeling connection. When I feel an overwhelming love for Tango or come to think of it when it was Pilgrim, she does and he did draw a lot closer. i love them all the time, but I get huge waves of it as we are walking together, thats when her or his head and body seem to draw closer, not invading my space, but closer. The not wanting to hurry off when released back into the field gives me a real buzz. Watching someone who is autistic is awesome when that person reaches out without verbal communication and a horse or pony connects with them, it has to be feelings and the sense of fellings surely?
Well it is Saturday today and oh brother do I wish to goodness I had taken my camera with me. I mentioned horses being subtle in their changes, well Tango proved it this morning. Let me halter her as usual, took her in, picked her feet out, groomed her and gave her carrots etc and kisses. Took her back to her field and instead of walking over to the water trough, she stayed with no halter by my side. So we had extra loving and fuss, I have found out that, when I was rubbing her face she wanted me to scratch her head just under her forelock. I held my nails still and she rubbed her head up and down for ages. It was quite funny as she seemed to lower her eye lids in seemingly bliss. Funny little lass, how could I not adore her? It is the fact she chose to stay and chose to be loved a while longer that speaks volumes, this is developing relatively quickly and I cannot get enough of her. Oh and yes I did get her a new headcollar, I love that store.
Will you try to get to know horses? Would you relate your contacts with them to me? This kind of love is really unique, non judgemental, it is pure, it is simple and refreshing in a complex and challenging life. I cannot wait for Dad to meet her, if he can read in her eyes the same as me (and him not horsey), then it will also be a lovely thing for both of them. Dad is a very gentle person also, it would be a good match.
Tango is still rather fluffy at the moment, it has taken a little time for my friend to get her too a normal ish weight, after all she rescued her not long ago. So at the moment the hair is malting but a bit slower than the other horses around her. She is looking good though and like a proper thoroughbred so, lucky me having her. I did have to sweep the yard though, as she likes to be a little piggy with her treats, she drops bits (very slobbery bits) all over the place, funny, next thing is to get her teeth checked really just to be sure she is comfortable in her mouth. Strange thought occurred to me a lot of people have said 'oh Thoroughbreds are loopy, or too hot headed, as are Arabs (Pilgrim was half Arab, and a great lad), sorry my experiences are that when not fed hot or heating food (like any breed), not in constant training, as well as handled properly no breed would be loopy or hot headed. Like dogs there will never be a bad breed as someone once said 1st ANIMAL, then BREED, then NAME, and I could not agree more. The basic nature and instinct is HORSE (for any horse) so that to me is where to begin the whole contact and training. That basic nature and instinct is quiet and low key. If a horse does not do what is required, the question would be 'have I shown him/her properly?' It is my fault always and I would rather repeat the demonstration and request a million times over than raise my feelings above calm and low key, because it works so much better and quicker in a safe manner..
Today was very chilled and relaxed, just a bit of spoiling, carrots, apple and pear, she loved it all. I was able to just enjoy her beauty and calmness. The farrier will be visiting her tomorrow, I have no worries here, apart from the odd same leg offered twice she is a real babe so... I do hope it is sunny next tuesday though I really need it to be warm as well. I am hoping to take my father to see her. If I am lucky I may be able to on Saturday if he is up to it and the weather is ok. When he saw my T-shirt he said he could see an almost human look to her pretty face, I must explain that I have put a picture of her onto my T-shirt one on the back with the legend " Give a horse a little love and they will repay it a million times over" and on the front another picture with the legend "thats why I've bee Tangoed" I bet people are thinking I am just a little nutty here, yup never denied it. I will say however it is a loving nutty.
How do you feel for your best animal friends? I know mine becomes very all consuming, they are my favourite topic of conversation, they occupy the majority of my thoughts so there we go, what can I do? I would not change it for the world.
New day, down day what a horrible dark place to be in. It is all I can do to think of Daddy, Oscar the cat and Tango to keep me going. I know people would say ' pull yourself together' without realising how patronising the statement is, the other one is 'there are others far worse off', well at 54 years old I think I am already aware of that, the frustration is that I cannot help each and every one of them so what use am I? However well meaning the statements are, they cannot possibly understand the true nature of depression otherwise they would be the last things they would say. I am not here to bring anyone down, I would like to show me warts and all, horse mad, well crazy about all animals really. They do not expect me to be anything, just me and that is what they get, they cannot be fobbed off with pretence, so I stopped pretending years ago. Life is not a bed of sweet smelling roses all the time (if only), so sorry folks here I am nothing to hide. So if anyone else feels this way feel free to comment (if you go to the diary page you can relate your own comments there). This is I feel part of the magic with any animal no pretending because thier senses are too highly developed to buy into the painted on smile.
Tango, Tango, Tango how I wish sometimes I could spend all day with you, become a member of your little herd, the only skirmishes to experience is get off my bit of grass or just move over will you? I think I may have a solution here to cheer me up, I will go to the big store with horsey goods on sale and treat my baby girl to a new headcollar. I do not like shopping but if anyone mentions this store I suddenly become a reformist, just long enough to buy something horse related, oh happier day whoopee. I hope you will forgive my down day and that you will get in touch, take care all and try your best to fight for your happiness. I will be back with much more news before too long (probably tomorrow after Tango has made me laugh again).
Well a new day and a very sunny one, sorry everyone the ugly mug next to the beautiful Tango is me, horrid I hear you cry, oh well tooo late, all I can say is sorry, but you see I love this gentle girl. We had treats, got our legs muddled again and had a brush down. She waits so patiently in the field for me to get untangled from the head collar and rope, then put it on her. A nice amble to the yard for treats, a kiss and sort her feet. Funny though like Pilgrim used to, as soon as she gets back to the field she heads straight for the water trough. She does head back again and stands there while like a demented fool I blow kisses saying 'see you later sweetheart' and I love you'. When Pilgrim spied me still there though he would come back as close as possible to get fussed. He was a little vain though ,he posed for photographs....honest, I swear he would give you any pose you wanted. The last photo up here is him coming back to me for exactly those purposes. As time goes on and Tango and I develop our friendship her uniqueness will shine as bright, I can feel it I am certain. I would love to hear of anyone elses horses with thier quirks, likes and dislikes I cannot be the only one taking great joy in thier personalities, please go to the diary page and let me know. One thing I picked up on with Tango is, where Pilgrim would take dainty bites out of carrots, apples or pears, Tango tries to get the whole thing in at once. There is only one problem with this that she fails to realise, she drops a lot trying to chew while shoving the whole carrot in. It also leaves you with a very slobbery hand.....delightful. Oh well so long as she does not choke and she is a happy girl I don't mind her piglet appetite, she deserves a little spoiling, too loveable for words. She was surprised that I had company today, brother Mike came along to take some photographs, (blame him for having my ugly mug spoiling the beauty of the photo), but, having an extra pair of hands with carrots it was quite forgiveable. When we visited a Shire horse place there was a massive stallion there that kept presenting his neck, so I scratched it, next thing I got his bottom, so I scratched that till my arm ached. Off he waltzed only to come back presenting his bottom again, I swear he would have had me doing that all day. Further along was another handsome boy who just wanted to lick my hand non stop, that photo is on this site too, he behaved more like a lap dog than a Shire stallion. They have there a real humdinger of a stallion who stands 19 hh, jaw droppingly superb. All these horses shine like polished glass, they have supreme status stallions there and the foals are only babies BUT HUGE. I would love to have shire horses, the gentle giants. Strange, this morning I felt a little low, but I set off to see Tango and hey presto, her usual calm trust had a wonderful effect on me. I felt mellow but extremely happy to be with her. When I got home I saw a magazine had come for me. In this magazine was an article about riding for the disabled. The contact with horses is not limited to able bodied and brings great joy to those who get involved. The other benefits are the fresh air and it helps with muscles and joints, keeping mobility going longer for those with degenerative problems. This is good news indeed, but I do and have believed in this for a long time. I rather fancy Western riding for the disabled as well, one reason for this is the saddles are more supportive. I rather think that as well as the rescue of horses, the therapy of being with them and riding in the Western style would be a really good route to go down.We seem to be getting around to horses and human respect, and becoming more understanding that these beautiful animals are so much more than merry-go-round rides and I am glad. The theraputic side I would love to see expanded to all areas, so that no matter where you live you have access. Starting from the ground and developing love and trust for as long as it takes, the riding aspect comes last to me and can be as important or not depending on how someone else feels. The trust and love come from the ground first. I am lucky as anything I have Tango and I also am lucky to know very dear people whom I think the world of, who have given me this golden opportunity to have her and be with her.
Being a big believer in gentleness, kindness as much as I possibly can, I wish to communicate with animals in their own language or as close as we humans can. With any animal, body language seems to play one of the most important parts of communicating they have. I have stood close to Tango and a very powerful, overwhelming sense of love and peace comes over me, it brings tears to my eyes it is that strong, surely I cannot be alone in this? I could stand and watch Tango and her friends grazing for hours. I could just cuddle her forever, I don't cuddle her but I do stroke and try very hard to pass my love through my hands. She makes me proud when she lifts her feet in sequence for picking out, sometimes it gets a little muddled and I may get the same foot twice but that is so endearing. I cannot wait to be with her and groom her and let her know how I feel, there are the carrots as well.I cannot deny that I still remember Pilgrim with much love, the door may be sadly closed now but the memories are still fresh and fond for all that. I have a guilty admission that he was fond of bananas he loved them, they were a rare small treat sometimes. Please do not think badly of me for it they were his passion. His beautiful head would come over the door with a certain look on his face, a lot of nickering with a hopeful tone in it, how could anyone refuse? He would supply endless kisses in the hope of a bit of banana.Talking of kisses Tango has started offering her nose in a very gentle way, people may be telling me off for this, but I ask why? Touch is also very important to them and us and if that touch is gently offered by the horse and human I can see no wrong in letting them know how much you care. I read somewhere that a passive mare in a herd may be more readily followed than the dominant. I cannot say myself, I do not know, I do know that I love them and need to show them in any way I am capable of. There are too many cruel actions perpertrated by humans, to either humans and animals, I have seen the end results of some and it makes me ill. So please all I can say is I would never hurt or cause distress to human or animal and surely this is reason enough to not judge me? Spreading love, compassion and peace is very much needed. Take a look into a horses eye and watch them graze, have one follow you anywhere and you cannot fail to be moved to your core. Can I just say that the relationship with Tango is in its early stages, I could not wait to see if she started to nicker or follow me in time to come. I do not take it as red that she will ever do this, like us they are all individuals and all have their ways. Well today for the first time I heard her nicker, did I get a lump in my throat? YOU BLOOMING BET I DID. I also brought one of her friends in to give her some carrots and a brush down. This little charmer sneezed in my face, my glasses, face, neck and T-shirt were covered in horse nostril contents, UGGHH, but very funny. Who needs artificial things to give them a high when there are animals to provide it naturally? When I come home the high lasts for ever, the memories are warm and all consuming. Nothing can compare to having the patience to keep going and developing a relationship with horses, once this stage is reached it is indescribable, the love goes way deeper than could be believed.
My father is not a horse person, he does does not know about them but his kind nature can see the beauty of them. I took photographs of Pilgrim and of Tango later on and in both cases he said " I could get along with him/her" Something in their eyes had obviously touched him deeply. He just kept looking at the photographs over and over. I am so happy that as he is not a horse person, he cannot wait for a mobile oxygen tank so I can take him to meet my gorgeous girl Tango. I also want him to meet the wonderful couple whose place this is, dad already feels very warm towards them as well as the rest of the group, after all they complete my joy no end and this is infectious.
For those who suffer depression or traumatic stress I wish I could give you a good dose of this joy, peace, love and a great deal of affection, please hang on in there, someone is sure to try to give it to you, I am no expert but in my own experience being around horses has helped my recovery no end. Animals, domesticated ones depend on us and that makes the effort of getting up and being loved so very worth while. Somewhere in this world someone cares about you, you may not have met them yet but they are waiting. If I were able to set up my own centre I would reach out myself. I have known these deep, dark places and just how difficult to get out of them they are, worse still, some people have done their level best to make it harder by not caring enough about what you are trying to do and what you struggle with. All I can say is that kind of person does not deserve to have time wasted on them, animals however DO understand. Take my cat he knows and does some really funny things to get my attention. Horses know and can sense the modd in the blink of an eye, they however make you try to change by asking for a lighter mood, in their own way, it is subtle but noticeable.
Working with animals has been shown to be theraputic. Working with horses may not be for everyone and unfortunately not everyone will have access to them, but, if you do have access it has to be worth a try. Because animals can return love once you've gained their trust the rewards are there to see. But if horses aren't available there are plenty of other animals at rescue centres that would be glad of your help. Dog walking is often welcomed and you can create a great relationship with them.
Well who would have thought it? Just to be on the safe side I did not bring Tango onto the yard today. So I had my camera at the ready, my carrots etc in the carrier bag, and set off for her field. I arrived and started to enter the field, ahha Tango spotted me and was on her way over before I could get in there. I will be putting the small sequence of photos on the album page. Reminded me how like Pilgrim but without the dominance side to her. What a sweetie, no more hikes down the field, I do not even have to rustle the carrier bag, so going to save my poor old legs, well hers are longer than mine you know, plus she has four to my paltry two How could anyone not love any animal that comes to from choice? Ok so she knows I treat her but with her past and her age why the heck not? I too am getting older and decrepit and enjoy a treat too. This is sheer heaven being with her and she stays for rubs and scratches, beautiful, gorgeous girl. Its in the eyes I feel something a connection, the minute I saw her something clicked, well it has and I love it.
Well this morning was certainly different for both Tango and I. I could not bring her into the yard this morning, it seems there was a bit of a cough going round, so she was better kept well away in her field. I took my bag of goodies which I intended to distribute around the field, ha, Tango had other ideas. Does anyone remember a cartoon strip called The Perishers? One character called Masie could hear the rustle of a sweetie bag from miles away, Tango is her to a T. One rustle of the carrier bag and her ears pricked up, head went down and she came straight over. Her two field mates took no notice whatsoever. So there we stood doing exactly what all my training told me not to, feeding her treats in a field with others, but we stood there in perfect peace, she had carrots and pears, slobbering all over my boots. It was only when I finished and started to give her a scratch that one of the others decided she wanted a fuss too we were joined by the others. Well there lies a trick for me when madam is right down the other end of the field in future, put a piece of carrot in a carrier and give it a rustle, blooming little Masie.
Yesterday was good, Tango was not too far from the gate, just as well really I felt like an old crock. When we got to the yard gate we came face to face with Penny leading a mare with a long legged foal at foot, Tangos' head went up another foot and ears pricked as she stood rock still. Bless her heart I feel sure foals evoke something in her and my heart melts to see it. I cannot explain this for the life of me, but, when I observe her watching foals it really pulls on my emotions. This gentle, kind and loving girl is either remembering her own from the past, maybe she is a naturally good mother and dreams of her own, or am I just being silly. The reaction to her actions cannot be explained it is just a gut feeling, like a hazy message direct to my heart. All foals are blessed with such cuteness but common sense tells me they are expensive, hard work and at my age and state of health with limited purse strings I can just as easily say no. It is Tango herself who is important to me so do I override my own feelings for her sake or should I give her a fulfilled life and allow her a well fed happy life with her own foal at foot and nobody to take it away ?
We tied up in the yard and started the grooming, interspersed with carrots etc and she started to nod off in the sunshine (wasn't raining for once). All her feet picked out, she has started pre-empting which foot to lift in sequence. and coat fairly free of dirt I was chatting to one of nice young girls who has a pony there, as I was chatting I held my hand with nails forward, Tango decides to do her usual trick of scratching her own head against my nails. It may not be funny to others but I find it hilarious. She is not pushing me or nudging, just simply nodding her head up and down for a good old scratch. I know a couple of horses that seem to enjoy their bottoms scratched, I have never tried this with Tango yet.
Well WE went this morning to see Tango (hubby and I). My husband was on two walking sticks so it was a new experience for Tango, oh and it was raining as well. I got her bag of goodies out of the car, fetched her grooming kit from the tack room and off we went to catch mi'lady. No prizes for guessing she was at the far end of the field again, I swear she finds it amusing. Anyway as I got close to Tango the dominant mare and Tangos friend decided to go round the back of her and start moving towards the gate. Here we go again, haltered Tango and set off, with the dominant keeping aside to her, so I twirled the end of the lead rope to keep her on the side to control where she went (little miss dominant). All went well I'm glad to say and the dominant mare is beging to get the message I mean business when I want her to move away or back up. Got Tango out but she spooked at the stranger with two sticks, hubby backed off while I gave her a stroke and told her not to worry it was just daddy and no-one would hurt her. She nibbled the grass while I made sure the gate was closed fully and off we went.
This was something new to baby girl, having someone with two sticks offering her carrots. I am glad really the more new experiences she has the less it will worry her, calm stroking, level voice and pretend there is nothing unusual and she will pick up on it being nothing scarey. I did giggle my head off at one point, hubby had a carrot in his hand and she desperately wanted it but was too nervous to go right up to him for it, she kept her body well back, lips stretching and wiggling before she attempted to see how far her neck would reach, she made it! Bless her, I don't know her past and what treatment she had back then but it was reminiscent of Pilgrim, the only difference being he had total trust in me, it is getting there with Tango, she did spook but not in enormous amounts. She jumped a little on the way back to her field but keeping it level calm again she was fine. At least she isn't overreacting which is good. The best part for me is that my family members can see why I love her so much and with time they will grow to love her as they loved little Pil. Tango is a great girl and I do not care if I never ride her, just having her company is a real blessing. A good lady offered a sit on her horse who is I call a momma bear and gorgeous, is that not just the kindest offer? What really humbles me is it has not been a one off casual sort of thing, this a genuine lovely offer made by a genuine kind lady. Another kind lady has offered a ride as well, also the stud owners have in the past, what tremendous people. As my spine has a curvature I am only worried my seat may not be true and I do not want to unbalance their horses or having to make adjustments for my seat and getting into bad habits or incorrect balance and movement. How lucky though can one women get? From being suicidal at one livery to pure HEAVEN and BLISS and HAPPINESS at STAROAK STUD. Someone up there has sent me a dream to live and I sure am so grateful.
Poor little Tango, really the indignity of it! Let me explain, I have been thinking of letting her have her own foal. To do this there are test swabs to be done to ensure she has no disease that could be passed to her future ummm husband, one night stand umm fling whatever. I had brought her fom her field no problem (and NO escapees), picked her feet out, fed her carrots, apple and a pear. We had to wait for the vet and this perplexed her a little, she kept looking at me as if to say 'why are we not going back?' When the vet arrived I had to take her into a stable and back her rear end to the door so the vet could do the swabs. She did look rather surprised and a little offended but again behaved like a true lady even if she had an indignant expression. Now we wait for a few weeks to see if all is well and if so this time next year.....
OH MY GOODNESS! Horror, panic and nightmare. This morning I took daddy to see Tango, lovely so far. With the wind being too much for him (daddy) he wanted to stay in the car, so I wound the windows down a little and had the car facing the yard for him. Off I went to catch Tango, no problem in fact she started to head for me today, cute. Put her halter on, led her to the gate, started to open the gate and lead her through when the nightmare happened, the dominant mare came round the back of Tango and barged through with the other friend of Tango, ARGHHHH, loose horses in the lane! My worst nightmare ever. A very nice lady walking her dog tried to help, her dog slipped its lead which lead to further chaos. Very helpfully the lady went and got Penny, Peter and Georgia, was I ever pleased to see them! Tango had been dancing on her toes during all this getting quite excited about the prospect of a free roam around, but, do you know she did not once cause me any problems, she didn't pull, didn't get bargy or pushy and stayed with me. Even in the heat of the moment and excitement she remained under control. What a girl, is there any wonder I am so proud of her? Her manners, her loveliness, sweet nature just glare out like a beacon. Love her so very much. The vet is coming to take a swab to make sure all is well to have her put in foal, so excited, a foal with Tango how incredible, I hope the foal has all her traits and character. It is at times like this I can really see the characters coming through, the dominant mares dtermination to rule the roost no matter what, the bays follow my leader, well both Tango and the dominant were out so why she not be? Tango would have had fun if she had not got her puny (but harmless) human at the end of her rope, her inordinately good manners preventing her from being a hand full.
What a magical morning, went down to see Tango a little later than usual, all was quiet on the yard, strange for a saturday, but it was peaceful and calm and immediately relaxed me. Don't get me wrong I love the girls there, they are such nice people you couldn't feel any other way about them. I went into Tangos' field and calm as anything caught her and went back to the yard. She is a superstar honestly, but what a little munchkin. She does not barge or get stroppy when feeding her carrots, apples and pears ( bananas or not her thing, I gave her one tiny little piece and she just spat it out as if to say pah yuk what the hell was that? so no banana for her then). She really enjoyed her treats and grooming, and going through the gate to the yard she is learning to ground tie (stopping and waiting until I call her forward), it may not be full blown ground tying but it is a step towards getting there, so proud of her. Back to her field, when she was released she went for her water and I went to check the levels walking side by side with her. I went to top it up but hovered by the gate with my back towards her, next thing I knew a little muzzle was by my shoulder. Lots of loving and scratches later I went to turn the tap on, how fabulous is she?
Exciting thoughts of having a foal from her as she is fit enough now, it is not as important as knowing and being with her but, it will be a legacy for her to keep her loving soul a real mark on life. I could not bear the thought of anything happening to her but, if and when her baby will keep her legacy going. Bless my beloved Tango.
Well Tangos' tendons seem to be healing, there is a knot, small but a knot when you gently run your hand down her leg, but then that will be scar tissue and at her age now she will never be ridden. We will however walk (side by side) a small course in the school together, what I believe to be a trail in western parlance. Will she be able to have a foal next year I wonder? I am told she is not too old yet but will have to see how she is, she certainly shows a lot of interest in foals passing her field, bless her heart. If she did I hope the foal would have her gentle nature, I feel sure it would, Tango is so loving and a very experienced lady. Oh well this is future thoughts, for now am I ever a happy, lucky woman.
What would I do without Tango? I just would not cope, not with the pain, not with the daily struggle and obstacles thrown in my path. Helping dad and hubby when needed would be nigh on impossible. They are both fabulous people do not get me wrong, I love them so very much, it is just that sometimes every one runs out of strength and steam to cope with what life brings. That is why people have holidays, trips away to re-charge thier batteries, when there are no holidays there has to be a high light somewhere, mine is Tango. Peace, joy, love, quiet and relaxed, no expectations, no promises, no demands, just gentle peace and loving contact is pure blissful joy.
I had agood day with Tango today, nose to nose sniffing when I let her go back into the field, scratching her forehead, lots of love and contact ,superb. I remembered Pilgrim doing a lot of nose to nose sniffing. One incident came to mind quite strongly when I was remembering him. One evening I got a phone call from the livery to say no-one could catch him to take him in. Off I went with my husband, it was pitch black, blowing a gale and raining very hard. As I walked up the path my husband said Pilgrim was moving towards the gate. Sure enough the little love was waiting for me, I put his halter on and started walking back to his stable, my husband behind us with two walking sticks clacking away. Pilgrim stayed with me totally relaxed and happy despite the dark, the gale force wind and horrid rain and the clacking behind him. I pray Tango will gain that level of trust with me, although at the stud where she is, I rest easy because I know how well she and her friends are looked after, I could think of nowhere better for horses and people for that matter. I absolutely love the place and the owners.
Having osteoarthritis and osteoporosis riding is a hit and miss affair, I could only do it on good days if I am lucky, but as I cannot afford two horses and Tango cannot be ridden, I am a bit up the junction really. I will admit I miss it terribly and I do cry that I am so useless. When it gets really bad I cannot even leave my bedroom and the depression really kicks in. My dream can still happen though if there is help available, I will not give it up. Even if it ended up being one horse and one person who I could help I would still try for that one person and one horse.
Tango and I have a way to go with our relationship, the joy is in the journey together. Watching her move with her beauty, grace and dignity, her gentle behaviour. Her piggy eating, I reckon if I let her she would stuff the lot in her mouth in one go making her look like a giant hamster, funny girl.
Having looked at therapy with horses and being around Tango, I am even more convinced of a spiritual connection or if you prefer a feeling connection. When I feel an overwhelming love for Tango or come to think of it when it was Pilgrim, she does and he did draw a lot closer. i love them all the time, but I get huge waves of it as we are walking together, thats when her or his head and body seem to draw closer, not invading my space, but closer. The not wanting to hurry off when released back into the field gives me a real buzz. Watching someone who is autistic is awesome when that person reaches out without verbal communication and a horse or pony connects with them, it has to be feelings and the sense of fellings surely?
Well it is Saturday today and oh brother do I wish to goodness I had taken my camera with me. I mentioned horses being subtle in their changes, well Tango proved it this morning. Let me halter her as usual, took her in, picked her feet out, groomed her and gave her carrots etc and kisses. Took her back to her field and instead of walking over to the water trough, she stayed with no halter by my side. So we had extra loving and fuss, I have found out that, when I was rubbing her face she wanted me to scratch her head just under her forelock. I held my nails still and she rubbed her head up and down for ages. It was quite funny as she seemed to lower her eye lids in seemingly bliss. Funny little lass, how could I not adore her? It is the fact she chose to stay and chose to be loved a while longer that speaks volumes, this is developing relatively quickly and I cannot get enough of her. Oh and yes I did get her a new headcollar, I love that store.
Will you try to get to know horses? Would you relate your contacts with them to me? This kind of love is really unique, non judgemental, it is pure, it is simple and refreshing in a complex and challenging life. I cannot wait for Dad to meet her, if he can read in her eyes the same as me (and him not horsey), then it will also be a lovely thing for both of them. Dad is a very gentle person also, it would be a good match.
Tango is still rather fluffy at the moment, it has taken a little time for my friend to get her too a normal ish weight, after all she rescued her not long ago. So at the moment the hair is malting but a bit slower than the other horses around her. She is looking good though and like a proper thoroughbred so, lucky me having her. I did have to sweep the yard though, as she likes to be a little piggy with her treats, she drops bits (very slobbery bits) all over the place, funny, next thing is to get her teeth checked really just to be sure she is comfortable in her mouth. Strange thought occurred to me a lot of people have said 'oh Thoroughbreds are loopy, or too hot headed, as are Arabs (Pilgrim was half Arab, and a great lad), sorry my experiences are that when not fed hot or heating food (like any breed), not in constant training, as well as handled properly no breed would be loopy or hot headed. Like dogs there will never be a bad breed as someone once said 1st ANIMAL, then BREED, then NAME, and I could not agree more. The basic nature and instinct is HORSE (for any horse) so that to me is where to begin the whole contact and training. That basic nature and instinct is quiet and low key. If a horse does not do what is required, the question would be 'have I shown him/her properly?' It is my fault always and I would rather repeat the demonstration and request a million times over than raise my feelings above calm and low key, because it works so much better and quicker in a safe manner..
Today was very chilled and relaxed, just a bit of spoiling, carrots, apple and pear, she loved it all. I was able to just enjoy her beauty and calmness. The farrier will be visiting her tomorrow, I have no worries here, apart from the odd same leg offered twice she is a real babe so... I do hope it is sunny next tuesday though I really need it to be warm as well. I am hoping to take my father to see her. If I am lucky I may be able to on Saturday if he is up to it and the weather is ok. When he saw my T-shirt he said he could see an almost human look to her pretty face, I must explain that I have put a picture of her onto my T-shirt one on the back with the legend " Give a horse a little love and they will repay it a million times over" and on the front another picture with the legend "thats why I've bee Tangoed" I bet people are thinking I am just a little nutty here, yup never denied it. I will say however it is a loving nutty.
How do you feel for your best animal friends? I know mine becomes very all consuming, they are my favourite topic of conversation, they occupy the majority of my thoughts so there we go, what can I do? I would not change it for the world.
New day, down day what a horrible dark place to be in. It is all I can do to think of Daddy, Oscar the cat and Tango to keep me going. I know people would say ' pull yourself together' without realising how patronising the statement is, the other one is 'there are others far worse off', well at 54 years old I think I am already aware of that, the frustration is that I cannot help each and every one of them so what use am I? However well meaning the statements are, they cannot possibly understand the true nature of depression otherwise they would be the last things they would say. I am not here to bring anyone down, I would like to show me warts and all, horse mad, well crazy about all animals really. They do not expect me to be anything, just me and that is what they get, they cannot be fobbed off with pretence, so I stopped pretending years ago. Life is not a bed of sweet smelling roses all the time (if only), so sorry folks here I am nothing to hide. So if anyone else feels this way feel free to comment (if you go to the diary page you can relate your own comments there). This is I feel part of the magic with any animal no pretending because thier senses are too highly developed to buy into the painted on smile.
Tango, Tango, Tango how I wish sometimes I could spend all day with you, become a member of your little herd, the only skirmishes to experience is get off my bit of grass or just move over will you? I think I may have a solution here to cheer me up, I will go to the big store with horsey goods on sale and treat my baby girl to a new headcollar. I do not like shopping but if anyone mentions this store I suddenly become a reformist, just long enough to buy something horse related, oh happier day whoopee. I hope you will forgive my down day and that you will get in touch, take care all and try your best to fight for your happiness. I will be back with much more news before too long (probably tomorrow after Tango has made me laugh again).
Well a new day and a very sunny one, sorry everyone the ugly mug next to the beautiful Tango is me, horrid I hear you cry, oh well tooo late, all I can say is sorry, but you see I love this gentle girl. We had treats, got our legs muddled again and had a brush down. She waits so patiently in the field for me to get untangled from the head collar and rope, then put it on her. A nice amble to the yard for treats, a kiss and sort her feet. Funny though like Pilgrim used to, as soon as she gets back to the field she heads straight for the water trough. She does head back again and stands there while like a demented fool I blow kisses saying 'see you later sweetheart' and I love you'. When Pilgrim spied me still there though he would come back as close as possible to get fussed. He was a little vain though ,he posed for photographs....honest, I swear he would give you any pose you wanted. The last photo up here is him coming back to me for exactly those purposes. As time goes on and Tango and I develop our friendship her uniqueness will shine as bright, I can feel it I am certain. I would love to hear of anyone elses horses with thier quirks, likes and dislikes I cannot be the only one taking great joy in thier personalities, please go to the diary page and let me know. One thing I picked up on with Tango is, where Pilgrim would take dainty bites out of carrots, apples or pears, Tango tries to get the whole thing in at once. There is only one problem with this that she fails to realise, she drops a lot trying to chew while shoving the whole carrot in. It also leaves you with a very slobbery hand.....delightful. Oh well so long as she does not choke and she is a happy girl I don't mind her piglet appetite, she deserves a little spoiling, too loveable for words. She was surprised that I had company today, brother Mike came along to take some photographs, (blame him for having my ugly mug spoiling the beauty of the photo), but, having an extra pair of hands with carrots it was quite forgiveable. When we visited a Shire horse place there was a massive stallion there that kept presenting his neck, so I scratched it, next thing I got his bottom, so I scratched that till my arm ached. Off he waltzed only to come back presenting his bottom again, I swear he would have had me doing that all day. Further along was another handsome boy who just wanted to lick my hand non stop, that photo is on this site too, he behaved more like a lap dog than a Shire stallion. They have there a real humdinger of a stallion who stands 19 hh, jaw droppingly superb. All these horses shine like polished glass, they have supreme status stallions there and the foals are only babies BUT HUGE. I would love to have shire horses, the gentle giants. Strange, this morning I felt a little low, but I set off to see Tango and hey presto, her usual calm trust had a wonderful effect on me. I felt mellow but extremely happy to be with her. When I got home I saw a magazine had come for me. In this magazine was an article about riding for the disabled. The contact with horses is not limited to able bodied and brings great joy to those who get involved. The other benefits are the fresh air and it helps with muscles and joints, keeping mobility going longer for those with degenerative problems. This is good news indeed, but I do and have believed in this for a long time. I rather fancy Western riding for the disabled as well, one reason for this is the saddles are more supportive. I rather think that as well as the rescue of horses, the therapy of being with them and riding in the Western style would be a really good route to go down.We seem to be getting around to horses and human respect, and becoming more understanding that these beautiful animals are so much more than merry-go-round rides and I am glad. The theraputic side I would love to see expanded to all areas, so that no matter where you live you have access. Starting from the ground and developing love and trust for as long as it takes, the riding aspect comes last to me and can be as important or not depending on how someone else feels. The trust and love come from the ground first. I am lucky as anything I have Tango and I also am lucky to know very dear people whom I think the world of, who have given me this golden opportunity to have her and be with her.
Being a big believer in gentleness, kindness as much as I possibly can, I wish to communicate with animals in their own language or as close as we humans can. With any animal, body language seems to play one of the most important parts of communicating they have. I have stood close to Tango and a very powerful, overwhelming sense of love and peace comes over me, it brings tears to my eyes it is that strong, surely I cannot be alone in this? I could stand and watch Tango and her friends grazing for hours. I could just cuddle her forever, I don't cuddle her but I do stroke and try very hard to pass my love through my hands. She makes me proud when she lifts her feet in sequence for picking out, sometimes it gets a little muddled and I may get the same foot twice but that is so endearing. I cannot wait to be with her and groom her and let her know how I feel, there are the carrots as well.I cannot deny that I still remember Pilgrim with much love, the door may be sadly closed now but the memories are still fresh and fond for all that. I have a guilty admission that he was fond of bananas he loved them, they were a rare small treat sometimes. Please do not think badly of me for it they were his passion. His beautiful head would come over the door with a certain look on his face, a lot of nickering with a hopeful tone in it, how could anyone refuse? He would supply endless kisses in the hope of a bit of banana.Talking of kisses Tango has started offering her nose in a very gentle way, people may be telling me off for this, but I ask why? Touch is also very important to them and us and if that touch is gently offered by the horse and human I can see no wrong in letting them know how much you care. I read somewhere that a passive mare in a herd may be more readily followed than the dominant. I cannot say myself, I do not know, I do know that I love them and need to show them in any way I am capable of. There are too many cruel actions perpertrated by humans, to either humans and animals, I have seen the end results of some and it makes me ill. So please all I can say is I would never hurt or cause distress to human or animal and surely this is reason enough to not judge me? Spreading love, compassion and peace is very much needed. Take a look into a horses eye and watch them graze, have one follow you anywhere and you cannot fail to be moved to your core. Can I just say that the relationship with Tango is in its early stages, I could not wait to see if she started to nicker or follow me in time to come. I do not take it as red that she will ever do this, like us they are all individuals and all have their ways. Well today for the first time I heard her nicker, did I get a lump in my throat? YOU BLOOMING BET I DID. I also brought one of her friends in to give her some carrots and a brush down. This little charmer sneezed in my face, my glasses, face, neck and T-shirt were covered in horse nostril contents, UGGHH, but very funny. Who needs artificial things to give them a high when there are animals to provide it naturally? When I come home the high lasts for ever, the memories are warm and all consuming. Nothing can compare to having the patience to keep going and developing a relationship with horses, once this stage is reached it is indescribable, the love goes way deeper than could be believed.
My father is not a horse person, he does does not know about them but his kind nature can see the beauty of them. I took photographs of Pilgrim and of Tango later on and in both cases he said " I could get along with him/her" Something in their eyes had obviously touched him deeply. He just kept looking at the photographs over and over. I am so happy that as he is not a horse person, he cannot wait for a mobile oxygen tank so I can take him to meet my gorgeous girl Tango. I also want him to meet the wonderful couple whose place this is, dad already feels very warm towards them as well as the rest of the group, after all they complete my joy no end and this is infectious.
For those who suffer depression or traumatic stress I wish I could give you a good dose of this joy, peace, love and a great deal of affection, please hang on in there, someone is sure to try to give it to you, I am no expert but in my own experience being around horses has helped my recovery no end. Animals, domesticated ones depend on us and that makes the effort of getting up and being loved so very worth while. Somewhere in this world someone cares about you, you may not have met them yet but they are waiting. If I were able to set up my own centre I would reach out myself. I have known these deep, dark places and just how difficult to get out of them they are, worse still, some people have done their level best to make it harder by not caring enough about what you are trying to do and what you struggle with. All I can say is that kind of person does not deserve to have time wasted on them, animals however DO understand. Take my cat he knows and does some really funny things to get my attention. Horses know and can sense the modd in the blink of an eye, they however make you try to change by asking for a lighter mood, in their own way, it is subtle but noticeable.
Working with animals has been shown to be theraputic. Working with horses may not be for everyone and unfortunately not everyone will have access to them, but, if you do have access it has to be worth a try. Because animals can return love once you've gained their trust the rewards are there to see. But if horses aren't available there are plenty of other animals at rescue centres that would be glad of your help. Dog walking is often welcomed and you can create a great relationship with them.